How do I 'let it go'?

Question

My husband had an affair. i am trying to forgive because for some reason I still love him. He has been great at supporting and expresses true remorse and guilt. My problem...I have good and bad days and on my bad days I grill him for details about the tramp and their sex. Do I really want the answers, or need the answers. It always upsets me, but I can't stop and then he gets angry and/or frustrated and says he is tired of this and wants to put it behind us. He says he wants to be ( I have given him plenty of opportunities to do what would make him happy). But he also says he is tired of answering the same questions, and will not live the rest of our life like this. What is it that makes him so angry for me to want to talk about it? He says it was just sex, thats all. Do I need to back off? Help me !

Answer 1

You are feeling very normal, most want to know details to compare them to what he saw in her that made him go some where else in the first place. This is his problem with himself dont put it on your self, dont let it make you insecure. Stop asking questions it makes it worse, as far as asking yourself, why?? over and over, dont go to deep, most men are horney males who would do it if given the chance of not getting caught. He did a dumb thing, he is right was only sex, temptation and lust, for a few minutes of pleasure, but a long time of hurt for you, it was his infidelity, not your lack of being a good woman or pretty or whatever? You cant put others peoples crap on yourself, if I did something to you, or the sales clerk called you a ***** or whatever, are you gonna dwell on what you did to make us? No because you did nothing, it was us, not you. People are responsible for their own actions.

Answer 2

Several factors in play here but SoulfulK has it correct.

First, how long has it been??? Sure you need time to grieve about it, but what good does it do you to know the tramp was the best sex of his life??? Is that what you want to grill out of him and then throw that at him the rest of your lives?? I don't know the answer, but after a period of time has past, it has to become the past - OTHERWISE, you are doomed.

And yes, your pastor, priest, rabbi, or counselor will help you get thru the grieving steps together, and then get on with your lives.

And please don't forget that you must never let your husband leave home with a loaded "weapon". Whatever you do to "spend" his ammunition at home, the less chance this can ever happen again. Good Luck

Answer 3

how long have you been married? have you ever suspected him of cheating before? do you think he'll ever cheat again? let's face it, trust has been compromised here. i'm a firm believer in you can forgive, but it's not always easy to forget. now, what provoked him to cheat? did he know this other woman for some time or was is a one night stand? i think, if you're still having problems with his infidelity, you may want to seek professional counseling. he may be feeling frustrated because he's not sure how to fix it either? be honest with yourself, tell him it still hurts and ask him how he would deal with it. most importantly, get help from someone impartial like a counselor.

Answer 4

If you really want to forgive, work harder. It won't be easy, but it will happen with time. Maybe, when you get in that mood to grill him, trying doing something else instead. Either do something for him or ask him to do something you would like for you. Like say honey, for some reason I'm feeling pissy about that other woman again, would you mind giving me a full body message? I bet he would do it in a heartbeat. Or do something nice for him, a way to remind yourself that you want to work very hard to forgive him. Or in an extreme case do both.

Answer 5

I'm a guy so i can see where it was just sex, about your feelings, it takes time to forgive, why ask questions about it? maybe you want to hurt him or maybe its a turn on, maybe you want more out of your sex life......or maybe you just hate the s.o.b......be honest with yourself...only you know the answer. my advice is to go out with your husband and have a drink or two, this will let the truth flow a little better and talk straight with each other. create a plan for your future together and try to move pass this event. good luck , john

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Been there done that honey. As far as "letting it go" that is hard to do. If you are willing to forgive him, then you do need to do that. To me it sounds like you havent forgiven him. Dont question him about HER, question him about WHY he felt the need. Once you have those answers, decide if they are something you need to work on, or something HE needs to work on. I have a theory, about cheating. Well, about monogomy. We are all animals, and monogomy is a SOCIAL stricture. Not natural. That is not to say that cheating is OK. Im just saying that some things, some mistakes are just that. Mistakes. My objection is to lying about those mistakes. Honesty is important, to me the most important thing in a marriage. If he was HONEST with you about his mistake, and you love him enough to not want to divorce him, then you need to forgive a mistake and move on.

Answer 8

You can't let it go because it's tainted the love you have for him. You need to get counselling to learn how to deal with this in a positive way. It can cause you a lot of damage, and a counsellor can help minimize that. Good luck.

Answer 9

YES YOU "DO" JUST BACK OFF!!! WHY ARE YOU MAKING YOUR AND HIS LIFE MISERABLE OVER THAT????...IF YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN'T, THEN DIVORCE HIM IF THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!!!!!!
He has been great at supporting and expresses true remorse and guilt. My problem...I have ......CAN YOU .SEE? OPEN YOUR EYES IF YOU CAN'T!!! what else do you want us to tell you?
maybe you can't forget(and i agree w/that) but at least, you can forgive. or live a miserable life. it is up to you!!!
BOTTOM LINE DO NOT BRING THAT ISUE AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! GOT IT?

Answer 10

He should of backed off from the other woman before he decided to go ahead and have an affair!