I have been married for 2.5 yrs my wife is very possesive, jealous and it's affecting my relations with my family as she hates them for no reason other than that I love them dearly ( probably jealous as well ) for instance I help out my mother a bit and my wife wants to know how much I give her and the less the better even tho she buys presents for her family with my money
However, she also wants to control the financial side of the household even though I am working and she isn't - she's a doctor so she won't have problems finding a job - so whatever she says we buy and vice versa....finally she screams and crys if I refuse to follow her ( wants to save and I don't - wants to spend and I don't -makes a decision and I don't agree etc)
several ppl have told me to be firm but I am simply very emotional and find it very difficult to resist her crying - so what do I do? I don't want a divorce as we've got kids whom I'm very attached to.
Any help would be greatly appreciat
2006-12-16 23:40:39 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all, sit down and do your budget. List all of your living expenses and determine an amount needed to pay the bills, groceries, and gas.
The amount left over is discretionary cash. Determine what is done with your discretionary cash. Say so much is spent each month on shoes and clothes, so much goes into each of your pockets. If you're helping mom monthly determine a finite amount and list her with your bills. Let wife and mother know that at the first of each month mom recieves $X.00. You both should have a general idea of how much you get to spend each month.
Share the budget with your wife.
Second: she screams and cries. This is a learned behavior. When you are speaking with her and conversation deterriorating into screaming and crying say to her, " Hon, we can't talk about this right now anymore." and walk away. Screaming and crying are juvenile unacceptable behaviors which are completely inappropriate for an adult in an adult relationship.
As with a child, reinforce with her that when she can speak in a calm, respectful manner, conversaton can continue, otherwise, the issue remains unresolved. After you bail on the inappropriate conversation, walk away. Throw in a load of towels, wash the car, go fix something. Just make sure you remove your presence.
Your kids are little now. However, they observe Mother's behavior. If you cannot bring this under control your entire household will have developed the habit of screaming and crying when they do not get their way. Do be firm with this now for your own sanity later.
Third: Have her checked for depression.
Forth: Reassure her that you love your family. That you want her to trust your decision making the way she wants you to trust hers. You guys need to work as a team, partners. She's smart. Tell her it is important to you to have her input. Compliment her on the things and behaviors you see her doing properly.
If none of this brings positive results you may have to seek a counselor. I am not a big believer in outside counseling. Before starting, I would consult with her family as to how they dealt with her behaviors. Remember, you love her, not the behavior, and it is her behaviors that need to change.
2006-12-17 01:17:10 · answer #1 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
firstly, her extreme possessiveness and jealously sounds to be a strong insecurity. she probably feels your love for her is in competition with your family and therefore judges your love by what you do and spend on them. why is she not working? is it to be a full time mum? most likely then she also feels powerless in the relationship due to not earning and having to 'ask' for money, so is instead trying to be more controlling to feel less of the underdog.
would it work, do you think, if financially, you sit down and plan with her some sort of budget you both stick to, so she has some money to spend freely etc., but also so that she feels she has a valid contribution to the family decision making - as she should.
being firm is only being a bully; try to talk rationally to her about these issues.
finally, maybe if you tried to find other ways to show her you love, trust and value her as a person, she may not feel so insecure. maybe there is some behaviour of yours that could be altered too to help the situation.
and finally; talk, talk talk!! talk it all through, and often.
good luck!
2006-12-17 00:03:27 · answer #2 · answered by noodle 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She is your wife and u know her better. So it wud be great if u cud sit and talk with her. When u r talking with her be firm like she must get the message that you are very serious and explain her things from beginning like about her wrong behaviors and which ever stuff is hurting u.Tell her u are unable to take those into long run n nor do u want to end this relation .But her behaviours is disturbing you .and now it is really difficult for u to take all this. Gradually change the way u interect with her..like show her less care and affection so she must know that now its disturbing ur relation.i hope it wud help
2006-12-17 00:07:25 · answer #3 · answered by Shaaz k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage counselling may be in order here. You are not on the same page at all. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Additionally there is no reason you should have to pick between your wife and your family, she has no justification for jealousy in regards to your family. I think you should suggest a counselor and let her know that these are deal breaker issues that need to be worked out.
2006-12-17 02:55:19 · answer #4 · answered by fortillfriday 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You and your wife need to establish better communication. Selfishness is something that runs rampit in our society. We are taught to be selfish. In a marriage the two shall become one. You and her must learn to have the same mind set for your life. You both must agree on the goals and the strategies to achive those goals. What is yours is hers and what is hers is yours. You should try and set times when you and her discuss adult matters in a safe and loving way, especially those issues that impact you the way you have explained. You might seek professional counseling, using that forum as the safe haven for discussion. With regards to your family. They will always be important to you and she must learn to respect this, but being your wife she must come before them. This does not mean you abandon them, what it does mean is that this is another issue you and your wife need to come to grips with. For her to alienate your family makes me believe there is an underlying problem your wife has and it has nothing to do with your family, they simply feel the brunt of her pain. Good luck
2006-12-17 00:12:28 · answer #5 · answered by MeToo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to sit down and tell her how you are feeling. Understandable you dont want to divorce because there are children involved but when it comes to your family, she should be understanding and not jealous. Honestly, who gets jealous about someone helping there mother? Seems like she has a little bit of growing up to do. Good Luck!
2006-12-16 23:44:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like she is spoiled and childish....pitching tantrums because they work for her......sounds like you are somewhat of a wimp and will always give in to her emotional outburst. Part of becoming mature is learning to not be controlled by ones emotions (whether it be your emotions or someone elses)...I would bet that your children also pitch fits and get their way by doing it. ..... Behaviors can be changed.....Your reaction to their behavior could go a long way to shut the fits down........But you have GOT to cowboy the h-- up and be a man , that means being firm.....Sounds like a bunch of children living together and no one is in charge......
Sorry if this sounds mean,,, but Someone has to be an adult ....and it doesnt sound like anyone is being mature.....
2006-12-17 01:10:40 · answer #7 · answered by Lrn'dTheHardWay 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your wife is behaving like a spoilt child, get her to some counselling she is not going to change by herself, go to marriage counselling together. She needs help with this jealousy and obsessive behaviour. Finally tell her to get a job even part time pays well for a Doctor. Stop being a doormat to your wife or you will loose all respect for her as she seems to have done with you already.
2006-12-16 23:45:07 · answer #8 · answered by Smoochy Poochy 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
This ebook might help you to understand what's wrong in your relationship and It also teaches what to do to try saving your marriage http://savemarriage.toptips.org
It helped me alot!
2014-09-27 10:10:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's a doctor and she doesn't want to work? I thought doctors WANTED to help people. What did she go to (how many years) of college for? That, right off, sounds odd to me. You can still see your kids if you get rid of the crazy woman, they would probably be better off then living in a house in turmoil. Get moving.
2006-12-16 23:53:48 · answer #10 · answered by INDRAG? 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋