He was not skinny when I met him,but now I do not even want to have sex with him,because his weight has gotten so out of hand.
He says he thinks I'm frgid,but the real truth is ,I don't find him attractive anymore,since he's gained so much weight
.I do love him,but I'm tired of missing out on good sex.(I am in fact a very sexual individual,and this is a major problem now,)What would you do?I've menioned assertively,yet kindly that he needs to diet,or do I continue to move on w/out him?
We are separated for now after a ,longterm relationship.but I still love him-just not sexually attracted.Anyone been here before?
2006-12-16 20:33:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is also a health issue.He is diabetic,and it turns me off that he is not willing to take care of his body or himself.I take care of mine,so I want the same in a companion.For those of you who think I'm being shallow,you are either overwieght and sedementary yourself,or have never rolled in bed with a 300 something lb. guy.No love has no eyes when it's love...sex,on the other hand does.
2006-12-16 20:49:27 · update #1
If they became addicted to crack or heroin,would you say the same things?Til' death do us part,or "You must not really love them".etc.?Think about it.Don't think for once minute that I did not question the severity to peoples responses to this truthful question.I was just hoping to get more trthful answers in return..Some are,of course..but ask yourself if they were to develope a drug habit(that went on say,for 5 years or more)-would you still stay.Be honest.
2006-12-16 21:12:46 · update #2
Most of the answers I've seen are all the same...marriage = for better or for worse. True, but...
How many of them have actually BEEN with someone this big? Tried not to puke while they watch this tub of lard sit on his big fat a** and eat another bag of chips? Seen someone this large naked? Been mounted, trapped and squished during the intimate stage, and eventually having to be the one on top - having to stare at this grotesque sight while trying to keep themselves in the mood?
Girl, I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do! Being with this, day in and day out has probably made you repulsed and despising him. Who cares how big he was when you met, if he's big enough to turn you off now, then that's the real problem. However, I'd suggest to work out all options before making the seperation permanent.
Try to find out the cause of his weight gain. Is it a mental problem, glands, just laziness? Some men get married and figure, what the hell, I'm married now so who cares, and then pile on the pounds. Find out the root cause before fixing the problem so it won't be a problem in the future.
Try talking to him again, now that your seperated. He may take you more seriously. Besides being repulsed, there is the more serious side of his health. Try making this the main point of the discussion, rather your disgust with it. Explain that you care for his well being, and don't look forward to becoming a widow anytime soon. Maybe dig up some facts to show him to really hit home - obesity increases the risks for diabetes, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, etc.
If he's eating way too much junk food, then just plain DO NOT BUY IT. It's that easy. He may go around you and get it himself, but it will be harder, and most likely would be smaller portions than if you readily bring it home. I agree with suggesting afternoon walks, so he feels that he's not in it alone. Get him going in a hobby...make him too busy to eat. Keep him in some activity to keep his mind off food. Lastly, get diet pills or even the detox programs. Many people's bowels are so clogged that they carry around anywhere from 5-15lbs of undigested food. Getting him on this program could get him a jump start on instant weight loss and have him feeling better about himself that he'd actually want to continue.
Best of luck, and don't feel like you're the only one. Shame on these people for making you feel bad for feeling what 99% of us would feel if we were in your shoes. My guess is that the other 1% don't mind larger men, and don't see the big deal. Beauty may fade but repulsion doesn't go away.
2006-12-16 21:13:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You ask a question however you say if you think I am shallow you are either over weight or.......
why ask....you have the question and have answered it yourself.
To me its the same as if in sickness and in health....do you stop loving someone because they have changed or need you to take care of them?NO...True love doesn't run or turn off...they stay and assist and work together as a team.
Marriage is marriage it isn't a short term contract that you say well I don't like this because....so I'm leaving.....if he is the same person and treats you the same and there is no abuse....just the weight has changed then yes you are being shallow.
Beauty is more then looks.........
You need to do what is right for you.....and maybe he should do the same...he could be missing out on True Love too.....
Are you married...or is this just a dating relationship....means the difference....if you are just dating...then you can move on and both of you are lucky to find out just what type of "persons" you are dealing with......if you are married....its a little different....
Best wishes.....for the both of you.
just my thoughts........
2006-12-16 21:03:52 · answer #2 · answered by travelingirl005 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, sorry I've never had this happened... but I am married & when my dh & I took our wedding vows it was for better or worse... beauty fades, and when it does you had better have a very firm foundation (deep love & companionship), which is more than skin deep, b/c looks always fade someday. But I am unsure if you are married to this person, that could make a big difference. If you are not married to him, and yet you've tried to help him lose weight & he refuses... then you are not bound to him by marriage... you may have to move forward, sadly, w/out him... b/c this is not healthy... and it sounds like you may have to care for an obese, sickly person someday if this persists. But, on the other hand, if you are married to him... again - for better or worse. But there are many things you can do to help him. Be a good example... keep encouraging him to eat well & exercise, etc... try not to nag, though this can be hard when you want immediate results. This man has got to want to lose weight firstly for himself... not you... if he can't do it for himself & b/c he loves himself, he'll never do it for you. I hope he can get some help & get at a healthy weight b/c it sounds like he may end up a lonely guy if he does not get it together. God bless!!
Oh, btw, I guess I did not answer whether I would stay or not... and yes, I would stay with my husband if this happened. I love him w/ all my heart & we took our vows before God and I would never break those vows for anything! His heart would still be the same... and I love him for what's inside the most and that would be the exact same. I would just try to encourage him to change. As far as the sex thing goes... sorry, no advice there... but I can say that you can turn that OFF if you choose to. You need to turn your thoughts to other places until you decide what to do so you won't cheat on this man or do something you regret b/c of your desires. Hopefully you guy will want to make a change for the better!!
2006-12-16 20:41:33 · answer #3 · answered by Francis Jane 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes I would stay, crack and herion are illegal, weight gain is not, so that is not a good comparison.Have you tried talking to him about this? Sex fades, conversational compatibility does not. How are the other areas of your relationship? Would you rather be with someone who is, say, more attractive physically, but cannot carry on a conversation? He was not skinny when you met him, and never will be skinny. You knew this when you started getting serious with him.Offer to diet and excercise WITH him, not just tell him"YOU have to....." which only put him on the defensive. Cook and buy healthier food. DO NOT eat at restaurants, the food is unhealthy and portions are 3 times what you should be eating.Do not eat within 5 hours of going to bed.Calories oile up that way.
2006-12-17 03:08:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you married? Because in marriage vows specifcally state for better or for worse, if not then move on and let the poor guy find someone who can love him for who he is, not who he was. People change that includes apperances. How would you feel if you gained weight and he left you? Ask yourself that question and be honest. Then the next question to yourself should be do I really love this man. Because LOVE has little to do with sex and a lot to do with mutal respect, compassion, empathy and many other traits that you are not showing right now. Physical attraction should not be the only basis for sex, because looks change with time, it should be more about reaching your partner on an intimate level. Search your heart, because if you love him you will find the answer there, not here.
2006-12-16 20:44:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Depends on the situation. If he has gained weight over the years, it is undertandable ( though extreme in the case you describe) if it happened all at once it is a different story.
Many people put on an act when they are courting, they try to present their best face or worse, not who they are at all, but who they think you will like. If he was in shape, worked out, wheatever, until the wedding and then just let himself go once he was in, then he instigated the relationship through a lie.
Marriage is each accepting the other and blah, blah, blah. However it is also each trying to please the other and bring joy to the others life. It is not just saying, hey babe, you made the vow now I can do whatever I want.
2006-12-16 20:57:05 · answer #6 · answered by Zarathustra 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dont you just love the people that judge you. Never really answer the question just give you their opinion of you. Dont you wish you could take away a few of their points.
But back to the question. My husband and I discussed this before we got married and we both agreed that we would stay together and probably no sex or separate. I wasnt 200lbs when he met me, no need to go out and gain 100lbs because I can.
If you wanted a 300+lb guy, you wouldnt went after that and gotten with someone else. I say that you ask him to go to walks with, when you go shopping park in the back, take the stairs when possible, cook healthy foods, and just tell him that you care. After all of this and he still doesnt want to love himself then leave. You can never love him fully unless he learns to love himself.
Dont pay any mind to these judgmental people they dont know you nor do you know them. I wish you the best of luck and much success.
2006-12-16 22:11:53 · answer #7 · answered by lalala 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Depends on her thinking about it. If she wants to lose the weight, I would help her. If she didn't, I would try to understand why, and help her see how it negatively impacts her health. If she didn't care, I would have a hard time with it, knowing that it impacts our relationship and the well-being of our children as well. It would be hard to stay in this relationship. I read in the great book ACTUALIZATIONS, that each person should make decisions in their life that positively impact the other person in the relationship. If each does this, the results are beneficial. If one chooses not to, it makes you question their commitment to the relationship, doesn't it? Good luck!
2006-12-16 20:40:44 · answer #8 · answered by SoCalAgency 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is a problem for you then you never really loved him in the first place. Love mean acceptance of a person despite any flaws they may have. Its obvious you don't accept him. Its a shame too i used to see the woman on talk shows or crying on Oprah. You probably was one of the woman that felt sorry for them cant you do the same for him. You will probably get mad for this but the truth does strike a sour note
2006-12-16 20:41:22 · answer #9 · answered by bill_will76 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You appearently have talked to him over this? right? and now your seperated. Well then it's just a wait and see.
I would give him the same chance you'd give anyone and see what he intends to do about it, if he doesn't see the problem or just isn't interested in doing anything about it and, would rather eat then be with you....well you'll get the message then, move on with your life. Good luck.
2006-12-16 20:43:58 · answer #10 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋