She is always making comments like how she would never make her husband help with the house work, and she has scolded me for not keeping a better house. She complains that I am still in college and not home in the evening to cook for my husband...I have tried to talk to my husband about it, he tells me that it is just his mom and that she does this with everyone. I should just ignore it. I can't. I have tried. I don't even talk to him about it anylonger. I vent to my mom, or my friends. I want a relationship with this woman for the sake of my husband, but I don't feel that I should have to sacrafice my own happiness and well-being. Does anyone have any advice??
2006-12-16 17:38:49 · 22 answers · asked by Mandy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How long have you been married?
She sounds very old-fashioned, if you know what I mean... and it's not your fault if you want to be educated or ask your husband to help you with the house work. Your husband, at the same time, is trying to please the both of you (apparently)... take his advice if you cannot have a relationship with her for now. As time passes by and she sees that your marriage is doing well, she'll have no right to complain about what she says, especially now!
2006-12-16 17:46:09 · answer #1 · answered by purringout 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only way to get through this is to be nice to her no matter what. It won't be easy. Ignoring it won't help because that denies your feelings.
However, you can change how you feel, even when she bad mouths you. You can decide to react to what she says and feel angry, hurt, and bitter. OR, you can choose to respond to it all and do something about it to either prove her wrong, or be gracious and loving in return.
If you react with negative feelings, you're compounding her badmouthing. If you respond with positive feelings and actions, you start to make the situtation better.
You'll find it may take a little while, but you will discover that even if she's still bad mouthing you, your first response will be "ok, what is truly the problem and what can I do to make it better?" instead of anger and hurt feelings.
You may also never gain a relationship with your mother in law, other than nodding, smiling, and keeping quiet when she rants at you. Don't stop trying, though. We daugher in laws are seldom all our mother in laws want us to be for their sons.
After all, in this relationship it's not your mother in law who counts, it's your husband and *his* happiness and well being. If and when your mother in law sees your putting his welfare above your own, she will realise you love him and want his best.
2006-12-16 17:49:57 · answer #2 · answered by Mmerobin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she sounds like a pleasure. I have one that I think is going to be the same way. I was married a few months ago and she is already becoming a monster. I don't know from what I see in your case it seems like it is just her personality and she is always going to be like that. Probably anything you say tp her or your husband will go in one ear and out the other. But your husband should stick up for you in this situation. I wouldn't want my mother in law who I am not close with to tell me her opinion on the way my house looks or what I do with my own life. She lived hers the way she wanted to make her family and you will do the same with yours and she needs to realize that. Your husband should say something to her before you end up having a blow out.
2006-12-20 01:48:29 · answer #3 · answered by BabyDolll128 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been there with my whole family in law for the first few years of my 16 year marriage and later on I realized that going to my husband actually bothered him because he didn't know how to deal with it and it was really putting him in the middle of his wife and mother and he loved the both of us regardless of how his mother felt i were as a house keeper and mother, but ignoring it will only stress you out more because I did that too and it built up so much stress in me it was unbearable and so I had started commenting back when something was being said, and depending on the person they get tired of the comments coming back at them, in my case they learned to respect who I am and they left me alone, but you cant ignore it, you have to find a way to come back at her when she comments without it being very defensive if you want to have a relationship with her.
2006-12-16 18:08:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to talk with your mother in law. Without your husband around. (that way she can not put him in the middle or make him choose a side) Explain to her how you feel about her son and let her know that your intensions are to build a strong possitive relationship with her because you want to and also to make your husband/her son's life a lil less stressful and more happy. Tell her that you understand that her views are from a different time period and they are important to her but that you have things that you are doing for you and your husband's future. As far as your husband, tell him how you feel and that you can not just ignor her. Let him know that by him telling you to do that makes you feel like he is dismissing your feelings, and that hurts you. I'm sure he will stop telling you to ignor her. Yet wait to tell him that until you have your talk with his mom first and she what she has to say. Just be honest about how you feel.
2006-12-16 17:47:31 · answer #5 · answered by Fantasy Kel 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
uuuggghhh....I know Exactly what you are going through. We must be married to mamma's boys, because my husband only sometimes stands up to his mom out of obligation to me, not out of wanting to "side" w/ me or defending me, it really makes me mad too, but, I guess there really is nothing we can do about it. If you continue to argue and complain to your husband, it will just drive you guys apart. Just let her talk her crap, and tell her that you will "consider" her suggestions, and then forget about whatever the hell she says. If you need to vent, you can email me, I am a full time college student too, and I can't get my mother in law off my back! Good luck!
2006-12-16 18:45:49 · answer #6 · answered by lavendergrl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think u better talk to your husband.yeah right, he'll tell u "just ignore her...blah...blah..blah", but until when are u gonna ignore her? I'm sure u dont want to live with her forever.im telling u,living with in-laws around,will make your married life miserable, i was once in your situation.my suggestion is, talk to your husband,tell him what u really feel about his mom acting like the best mom in the world, who knows everything.ask him if he cn do u a favor,if he cn just tlk to her to minimize the noise pollution in ur environment.im sure he's a nice guy to do this 4 u.but inspite of that,& she's still the same...tell her to shut up,& tell her to get a life.i know ur husband will not like it. if he gets mad at u,tell him to shut up as well...& grow up!.u dnt deserve to be treated that way.in the first place,he's married now, not her "baby" anymore, cnt she understand that?same way with ur hubby .as head of ur family, he should not let anybody intervene/ruin ur relationship, not even his parents!.
2006-12-16 20:18:56 · answer #7 · answered by zoom113 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion also would be to ignore her, hard as that may be. You get to pick your husband, but no his relatives...sigh...Try not to take it personally. Her comments are about her world view and perspectives, that is how she thinks things are supposed to be and she wants what is best for her son. Even if she's misguided...
You could try talking to her about it, telling her how it makes you feel, but it sounds like she's got a pretty traditional idea of what you should be doing and that probably won't change. You could also ask your husband to talk to her about critisizing you, but he probably won't like that idea either.
Best of luck!
2006-12-16 17:46:54 · answer #8 · answered by heart o' gold 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it HIS family and his place to deal with this, just as its your place to keep YOUR family in check.
talking to her doesnt work, for she is 1-set in her ways 2-beleives only she is right 3-she knows whats best and you dont know squat. you wont ever be able to have a relationship with this woman, because nothing you ever do is good enough.
been there, tried that.
tell the hubby to stop ignoring it, it damages (causes) you pain, axiety and is toxic to your relationship (because a part of him is listening and believing his mommy). anything that is hurtful to you should be a priorty in his life. how you feel (or made to feel) is important to him too. should be, anyway.
time for HIM to grow some ballz.
2006-12-16 19:31:42 · answer #9 · answered by Yvette B yvetteb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your hubby to stand up for you. If some beatch came to your house and criticized you would he tell them to shut up? He should! He is your husband now and you need his protection from the likes of his critical mother. He is not under her roof any longer, he shares one with you. He is weak towards his mother and she knows this. He has allowed her to control you by his own passivity. He probably has a weak father from whom he learned this role.
Don't let his cowardly attitude ruin your happiness.
2006-12-16 17:54:27 · answer #10 · answered by Nikita 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋