If my daughter was raped, is she still a virgin?

Question

My daughter was raped when she was younger,
now, she's a teen.
Even though she can still get upset by her past sometimes,
but I would say that she's a healthy girl these few years.

Lately, she has been asking me whether she's still a virgin,
I know very clearly that the answer would be "no".
But I know that it would break her heart,
so I told her that she's still a virgin until the day she sleeps with someone that she loves.
Is that answer correct too?
(I think there are many answers, right?)

And can you think of any other answers that I can use to answer my daughter?

Answer 1

Yes, she is. She didn't willingly sleep with someone. It wasn't a choice.

I can hit you over the head with a rolling pin. Would that be your first 'food' experience? Would it make you a chef? No. It's purely violence.

So someone raped your daughter. Make the comparison. It's not her first sexual experience and it doesn't take away her virginity. It was purely VIOLENT. Rape isn't about sex. It's about power.

Until she willingly participates in something that IS about sex, not power, then yes she's a virgin as far as I'm concerned.

So what if she doesn't have a hymen anymore? Lots of girls don't. It can be broken by using a tampon or riding a bike. That has nothing to do with virginity.

Answer 2

I agree with Elyana R. Technically your daughter in the views of a medical dr she is not a virgin. However you should explain to her that doesn't mean that she should give this gift, yes she still has the gift of virginity to give away to man that she loves. By definition she is not a virgin but there are vows and personal promise that she can make to reclaim her virginity. Her actually physically virginity was stolen from her, she shoulnd't let that hold her back in life though nor should she think well i'm not a virgin so i should be with anyone. It's a careful conversation but I admire your daughter and you for that matter. I'm so sorry that she had to go thru something so violent. God bless her. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm not sure if the "virgin or no" is the crux of the issue here, her question might stem from low self esteem over the issue. You may want to look into that more then anything else. But some of the other people here did mention she would likely need proffessional help, i'd agree with them.

If not, you'll need to sit down with her and try to understand why she's asking that question. If it's a matter of her feeling worthless or soiled from having being raped, its more a matter of underlying emotional pains and hurts then the actual fact of it.

One way of addressing the problem is by telling her what it is to live as one. Meaning the discipline and will to stay away from things that her instincts and environment might pressure her on, specifically, in this instance, sex. I know that in america, where there's quite a bombardment on the senses about sex and its acceptability, this can be a challenge.

Whatever you tell her, i still feel its nessesary to bring her to a psychologist for counselling. If those emotional scars aren't delt with, it could pose a problem later on in her life, especially once she grows older and relationships come into play. She might even get traumatised into having a phobia for men.

Answer 4

Dont' listen to these harsh answers. Physically no.. but then a girl can lose her Hymen from sports and all that too, and they are still virgins.. so she is no differnt then any other girl who has not yet felt ready to consent. Physically she is the same as many virgins... Tell her that she is a virgin in her heart.

I have heard
some Christian people say that are celebate after having a past or a divorse become 'secondary virgins'. That is something where they are celebate and swear off any sould ties with the person they were with. I am not into that and not sure how it works. But if they believe they are vigins and they consent, they for sure you daugther is. Because in her heart, she truely is

Answer 5

I really am deeply sorry for your daughter. I believe that your answer was perfect. I would also have to say that YES she is a virgin. Rape is not sex, sex is about love. Also, because she was much younger I'm guessing that even though there was penetration was it necessarily sex by the general definition (what with orgasams and mostly enjoyment) she did not have sex in the sense that we see it today. And I think the virgin thing is probably washed away since now she has undergone puberty and the actual ability to have sex now. I guess what I mean to say is that what happened in the past was horrible, and it didn't strip her virginity in the sense that most people see virginity as today.

Answer 6

Like you said technically your daughter is not a virgin, but most people who either themselves or know someone who had their virginity stolen by a rapist, consider the victim a virgin. I agree 100% with what you told your daughter. She could and should consider herself a virgin until she decides to have sex.
Of course you will have to make sure she understands that she may have to let any GYN know that she has been violated, just so he knows what he is dealing with.
If your daughter is not already, you may want to consider finding a support group for survivors of sexual assault. Speaking with other women that have experienced similar situations may help her. As much as you want to help, there is only so much you can do since you have never been through what she has. If groups aren't her thing, then a qualified therapist can help her to deal with the ruminations.

Answer 7

First, let me say that I am sorry that your daughter had such a terrible thing happen to her. How horrible.
Technically and medically, no, she is not a virgin. I would suggest explaining to her exactly what it means to be a virgin -- that you've never had sexual contact with another person (voluntarily or otherwise). Explain to her that it doesn't matter if she is not medically a virgin, what matters is what is in her heart. And she has not voluntarily slept with anyone yet, and when she does, she will make the decision to give herself to that person. Whether she still has her hymen at that time doesn't matter at all.
My prayers are with your daughter.

Answer 8

This is a sad question to have to deal with as a parent I would suspect. If her Hymen was broken then no technically she is not a virgin. How to answer this is not as important as realizing she needs some professional help in how to move on knowing that she was violated by a man against her will

I would urge you to send her for some counseling to help answer this question and others which have to do with this cowardly act which was done to her. If you can not afford to get her help then check with your local crisis center hot-line to find out where she can get help and possibly go with her if she is comfortable with you going with her that is (she may not be). But I would advise you to let a professional help her work though this one.

Peace and good luck.

Answer 9

Virginity is a state of mind. If she considers herself a virgin, then she is one. The person who raped her had no right to and he didn't steal her virginity. She will be a virgin until she consents to have sex with someone she loves. You told her exactly the right thing. So what if her hymen is broken? You can break your hymen doing a lot of things. She didn't have sex, she was sexually assaulted. It was not about sex, it was about some bastard rapist hurting a poor little girl. Your daughter is as much a virgin as anyone of her friends,(assuming they are virgins) and she has just as much right to be.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/slink/sexlovelife/ask_dr_mel.shtml

Answer 10

The term virgin is highly subjective. There isn't even a point in using the word virgin anymore, since it means so many different things to so many people. Honestly, if she is asking you about it, it is because she is bothered about it. She probably feels really bad about herself. I strongly suggest that you encourage her not to even worry about the term virgin anymore, for the reasons already stated. Right now, it is only important to work on building her self-esteem, and helping her to appreciate who she is now, and who she will be in the future. Good luck!