We were fine or so I thought, both working for a certain goal of retirement, then one night, it was him saying he didn't know if he wanted to be married, that he needed to find himself. He moved out, now doesn't call or anything, like I have disappeard off the face of the earth. He moved in with a "friend", but won't tell any one where, even our kids, who are grown. If his boss knew how much he lied to me, it might effect his job of the coorperate ladder. Do I tell the boss? In the meantime, I can't deal with the empty house and the memories, I am so mad I just want to destroy everything that was his. Will I recoup? or just go to the nuthouse. It hurts so much, that he betrayed my trust.
2006-12-16 15:43:30 · 10 answers · asked by S B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is bizarre behavior, even for someone in a midlife crisis. But, the most important thing is that you have got to take care of yourself or you will end up doing something ill advised or worse.
Don't mess with his career. Leave the boss out of it...for now.
First, get to a competent talk therapist, a counselor, that you can vent some of your stress to. Gather your children around you for support, even if they are distant. Stay in touch. Visit them for short periods of time. Stay connected to the family history as much as possible without your husband being around.
Second, you have every right to know where you husband is and how you can contact him in the event of an emergency. Hire a private detective if all other means of finding out where he is fails. Just knowing where he is will allow some stability to return to your life.
Give his need to find himself some time, but set a limit. Communicate that limit to him in a written note and see that he gets it. Keep a copy.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst: he might not come back. Take good care of yourself. Don't stay couped up in the house. Fall back on your friends, family, and any other support group you might have (work, neighbors, church friends, etc.) Stay healthy both physically and mentally.
This probably won't take more than a few months to resolve. Hang in there.
2006-12-16 16:12:16 · answer #1 · answered by SafetyDancer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry you're going through this.
It may be too soon to decide if he's going to come to his senses or not. In the meantime, I'd file for a legal separation so whatever issues he has (legal or financial) don't become your issues. It will also give you a chance to think about what you want to do next or for him to get a grip.
It seems like your first inclination is to strike out in anger. I know it's tough, but I'd fight that temptation. It's a reflex action and not a response to your situation. Telling his boss my have an adverse affect on you, so leave the boss alone. Instead of destroying everything that is his, pack it up and tell him to come get it- give him a deadline. If he doesn't get it by the deadline (I think two weeks is reasonable), then have a garage sale or donate it to a charity.
One way or another, you'll move forward. Until then, do what you need to do to protect yourself. If you still have a mortgage and other combined debt, talk to a lawyer and determine who's going to be responsible for what. Get out of the house and do things that make you happy. Don't let your anger eat you inside out. Ask yourself if you'd be willing to reconcile with him if this is a midlife crisis. Consider that this might be an opportunity to start your life over.
What happened to you sucks, but don't leave it up to him to determine how YOUR life is going to turn out. The Chinese symbol for "crisis" is an overlapping of the symbols for "danger" and "opportunity". Think about it, and good luck to you.
2006-12-16 16:05:56 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the chances of his coming back are slim, but he might get over this. If the friend is female, there's hardly any chance of it. Frankly, I would stay put in your home (you get more financially, if you do), and I'd get an attorney to tell you your rights. I wouldn't tell his boss for two reasons: first, corporations don't care. That is his personal life and the boss doesn't care. Second, if you are on his medical and dental plan, if you stay married, you still will be covered.Once divorced, you'll have to pay for your own. It is in your own best interests to stay married as long as you can for the benefits. But get an attorney, and then decide. You might ask him to go to counseling with you. If he won't go, go yourself. It will help. God Bless you.
2006-12-16 15:55:06 · answer #3 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
personally, i imagine he has been stuck IN his midlife disaster for the finest 40 years! Get a life Hugh! leave the 23 365 days olds to their college boyfriends. Your taking on with a woman youthful adequate to be your large-granddaughter actually makes you seem to be an previous fool!
2016-10-18 09:42:17 · answer #4 · answered by durrett 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want him back? If my wife bailed on me, I wouldn't give a rat's *** what her reasoning was, once they leave..they're GONE. How many years did you live without him before you got married? You managed to make it that long, I'm sure you can do it again. I don't mean to be crass, but you have a vagina, you're in the drivers seat when it comes to finding another mate. Take advantage of it..the smartest woman I've seen in the past 10 years is Monica Lewinsky she was a fat 21 y/o who is worth millions now, show's you what a motivated woman with a vagina can do.
2006-12-16 15:51:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He moved in with a "friend" You should move on and up. You mention revenge. Don't go there. Rise above him. Be better. It's hard time waits for no man. A spouse shouldn't have to wait for his/her spouse to return. Move on in the long run you will feel better about yourself.
2006-12-16 16:57:29 · answer #6 · answered by Tom B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first he left pack his junk and get rid of it. change the locks and stop being a martyr. find some new "friends" of your own and live a little.now's the time to find yourself. redecorate the house like you want. paint it all pink with flowers everywhere. it's his loss don't sweat it. definitely don't just sit and wait. you deserve a life too.
2006-12-16 16:20:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he didnt betrayed you. he needs some space. It is normal for man to have a midlife crisis. if you support him and if he really loves you, he will be back. give him some time and do not contact his boss
2006-12-16 15:53:49 · answer #8 · answered by confuse06 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
first i'm sorry u r going thru this during the holidays but just pray ask god for guidance also ask him to change you in this situation this time. it's none of the boss business he doesn't need to know what is going on talk to god god bless
2006-12-16 15:51:05 · answer #9 · answered by k2u 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
play them all
2006-12-16 15:53:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋