Is it fair if your spouse does not help you with the household chores?

Question

I cook, clean, look after the children....I don't get a break..I get tired...my husband works....he feels that since he works he doesn't need to help with the house or the kids.....its starting to bug me now....I feel its unfair.....since the birth of the 2 babies...he had never woken up at night to help...even when I had broken ribs and now i have a broken toe and elbow (fell on ice)....he still won't help...i even asked him several times...but he just won't help....all he keeps saying is that he works a job too. Am i wrong for asking him to help or is he being unfair?

I am so upset and even cried....but he still does not care.

I just feel like going in the kitchen and breaking all the dishes...then leave....but I know thats irrational...so I decided to ask peoples opinions instead. :-(

when i met him he was always trying to help....I suppose he was only creating a false impression.

Answer 1

He's being a selfish di*k! You're not wrong to ask for help or even need it. He gets paid for one job. You have many jobs, wearing many titles (maid, chauffeur, babysitter, chef, social worker, therapist, medical assistant, etc.) and if you were to get paid it would be over $100,000 a year for sure. They've done studies on this. You should try to see if you can find a video store that has independent films and rent "The Unproductive Housewife." It's called that because society tends to feel that a housewife is unproductive because they don't get paid, which is crap because we all know that if a housewife didn't do what they do, the world would go to sh*t and the men wouldn't know what to do with themselves!!

I SAY, GO ON STRIKE. Your man needs to learn how to appreciate you. Or even charge him for the jobs you do if he wants to make it about money. You don't deserve to be treated this way. I can only hope you have the kind of relationship where you can print all of these answers out and show them to him and he would actually learn something. His behavior is childish and selfish. Find a therapist, seriously.

He, or the world, has conditioned you. It will be a struggle to condition him in return. Do you have it in you?

I think that most of the time a man won't realize how much you do until he has to do it himself. If you can, take a trip without him or the kids and have him take his vacation. This would probably be the only way he'll "get it."

Answer 2

OH my gosh, don't you hate how your spouse pretends to be another person and BAM! He/she isn't the same? I am totally confused about that.
As far as are you being unfair? HECK NO! If you are a hard working housewife, you never get a break. Some women go back to work just to get a break from the kids. Perhaps you should tell him to trade places with you one day, and he would totally understand. But since he is still in the caveman mentality, he doesn't get it.
You might want to explain to him that you need a break, leave the house ALONE, and take yourself to a movie or something ALONE. If he doesn't understand...tough on him. If he protests, than you know he is scared of having YOUR responsibility, therefore he knows what you do is work, just like him.
Afterall, what does he think single parents do when they come home? They have to come home from work and take care of the kids and clean the house. You didn't make those babies alone so you should not have to be the only one to clean and care for them. You are NOT a slave. You deserve a break too.

Answer 3

Depends on how long you've been married, what kind of hometraining he has and if he is open to doing "chores". Sometimes, early on it's easier to "change" a man with a little persuasion. Most likely he may never help and each of you will just have to learn your place. This is such a common frustration in marriages (neither understand each other and underestimate each others contributions). Heard of give a little get a little? If so try that. Gradually introduce him to chores, for example, say "can you make the baby a bottle, throw away this diaper, pick up the laundry and place it in the hamper?" It is all in how you ask him, eventually, hopefully, luckily he will come around. If not, be ready to accept he may never change and know that you can do right by your children who will one day help you with chores.
And as far as getting a break, you may need a babysitter for that one. I don't know too many new mommies who are comfortable with leaving daddy with the baby while they get their hair or nails done. Just know you are not alone, find a happy place and don't let these little misgivings stress you out.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby!

Answer 4

You know it that he is being unfair and mean. We also feel the same as it is wrong and selfish on his part. He will never change. Now the question is why did you choose to remain a house wife? I hope you are educated. Why dont you start looking for some kind of work? First start earning to support yourself. After that you should get a divorce. He has to pay child support through his nose. Dont worry about kids.

Answer 5

No you aren't wrong for asking him to help around the house, especially since you're injured. That's what marriage is----a partnership where both people pitch in and help. Your husband sounds very selfish and insensitive. The fact that he doesn't help you with your 2 babies in the middle of the night says a lot. I don't blame you for feeling like smashing plates. Just because he works doesn't excuse him from helping to clean up the messes he helps make. He eats off the plates, has dirty laundry, uses the toilet and the tub. My point is he is contributing to the amount of housework you have to do, so he should do his share. If he knows how you feel about this and refuses to help out, I would suggest seeing a Marriage Counselor, if you think it's worth it to save your marriage.

Answer 6

honey ur husband is being unfair. talk 2 him again, ask him if he was in ur position wat would he do. or would he still stay with u, so he can get a feel of how u may be feeling. u should let him no ur tired and there is not much more u can do , suggest him hiring a made or care taker. let him no wen u 2 took ur wedding vows it says for better or worst, it also says that u became one so both of u have to look out for eacch others. if all of this does nt work suggestt marriage councilling, and let him no if he does not change this can lead tolegal seperation. and this can be very distructive for the kids. good luck am going to keep u in my prayers, that things could soon work out for u. God bless.

Answer 7

Well he has a point and you knew who he was when you married him, didn't you?

The truth of the matter is, he sounds like a real old-school male chavenist pig, but you had to know something.

He should pay for a maid or extra help until you are physically able to handle more duties (which could be a long, long long time if you get my drift). But it sounds like he would probably punish you for spending his money.

Maybe breaking all the dishes and taking the kids to Mothers house isn't such a bad idea afterall. It just might wake his lazy *** up!

Good luck!

Answer 8

This is not unfair. He evidentally has no idea what taking care of the house and children are worth to him. I think it would be great if you began marking down the hours that you are working at the house and keeping track of what this would cost by hiring someone to do the work. I bet he couldn't afford to hire anyone else to do the work that you are doing! Check online in your area to see what the going rate is for housecleaning. It will NOT be CHEAP!! I think that you need to do this for a month then sit with him and let him know what you are worth in the household. He should not worry about dishpan hands. Instead he should be concerned about his wonderful wife! I have always helped my wife with the housework. She is the greatest woman I have ever met. I bet your husband feels the same way! In Timothy, we are told that the man is supposed to love his wife as himself. Have a great holiday with your family.
Eds

Answer 9

You already know the answer. You are looking for validation and a warm shoulder. You are right. You need help and it is so wrong and neglectful when either spouse lets the other carry their share of the load. He is being a bully and he seems to feel you won't force the issue or knows you can't force the issue .He really doesn't care how you feel,physically or emotionally.You can't feel loved when someone treats you this way. Does he still expect you to meet his sexual needs? I don't know how you could without feeling like a sex receptacle. Please get some help. God bless you and Merry Christ'mass.

Answer 10

Got your self a Baptist huh? Listen, I normally would say that guys learn slow, but will eventually come around, but, you have two children, it's been too long. This is not reason for divorce, but, damn sure good enough to go home to ma for a couple weeks! You could also just stop doing everything. Let the dishes pile up, let him search for clean underwear, let him ask...what's that smell? What's he gonna do? Smack you? THAT would be reason to leave him! Once he starts in with the arguments tell him you will clean it all up, but, afterward, HE will have to start to participate with a few chores. It will be pre-approved by him ahead of time and will be scheduled in. If this is not acceptable for him, tell him to get used to the dump!