Do you like my poem? just say what you feel?

Question

It took so long for your world smoke,
That let us, your own children choke,
To find your lair, and punnish you,
For not believing, our cries were true.

While we were born with hands together,
Were you there with us? no not ever.
No matter what commands you said,
Inside our hearts, we wished you dead.

For then we knew, the prayers we say,
Were always meant for better days.
When a snake of evil, was always dismissed,
And maybe then, you did exist.

While we were striving to survive,
We waited for your death to arrive.
We didn't know, all we had to do,
Was turn our wounded backs on you.

Answer 1

not really quite sure what the message you are trying to covey is but I gather its rooted in issues you have in blind faith belief of god and religion. nice attempt in writing poetry although your choice of words could use a little
more thought in structuring lines that actually make sence

Answer 2

I think it shows potential. I think it is sad . But I don't think it is particularly good. But you have held a certain part of yourself back .If you want to write well you must risk everything. You must risk people being able to see your heart, soul, vulnerability , weaknesses, strengths, toughness, arrogance and tenderness. All that makes you...You. Then lay it open in your writing. You are definitely on the way by writing a poem that voices your opinion, but there is a lack of heart and personal conviction. But you are very brave to put it out there. It's not bad...You are just better than you allow. Keep writing, it's in there. I hope you wanted a true critique from a critic. P.S. You should check your spelling like "punnish" (unless that is a pun) and in the line that begins "When a snake of evil......" if you left out the word "was" it would be more grammatically correct and improve the flow.

Answer 3

Honestly, it confused me a little when I first read it. I still am not completely sure what is all about. But I do know that it is a good poem - maybe not exactly in the content - but in the way it was written. It takes a lot to write a poem...like that...it takes creativity, and a certain amount of vulnerability. I write poems every once in a while, and I definately appreciate this one.

Thank you for sharing it!

Answer 4

the "no not ever" in the second line of the second verse just doesn't fit. The third verse doesn't make sense. The last verse is well written. I'm not sure what you're writing about, that might help a little.
FlickeringHeart.com

Answer 5

I thought it was going to be about pollution, environmental damage by past generations, when I read the first stanza. But after reading the rest of it, I decided that was not so. Frankly, I just don't really understand it - but it flows well.

Answer 6

If you seriously want my opinion ... I'd say poetry isn't your thing. Apparently it's about a girl that you must live with? Maybe your wife? I don't know ... but I do know that you must hate that person. I'm not a critical person, only one that answers questions to my ability and most agree. Any who ... no, I don't care for your poem.

Answer 7

I like it, but I always hate AABB/ABAB rhyme schemes (just my opinion). Also, I always try to use some multies, like "world in smoke" and "children choke" instead of just "smoke" and choke".
Very good, though.

Answer 8

I like it, actually it's deep. I feel it's directed to God.
Great name btw, I love freddie! my all time hero!

Answer 9

Nope sorry

Answer 10

personally wanting someone dead is repulsive except homos, enemies of Todd, murderers, internet users, etc....
joking of course, light up poemer.