Can someone please tell me if this is any good? (beginning of a short story)?

Question

I have this theory that everybody has an opportunity to reach happiness. Rich, poor, clueless; those things don’t have to matter. I honestly believe that everyone in the world has at least one chance to be happy. The problem is, not all opportunities offer themselves to you. No, sometimes, they whip by you, so fast that by the time you look wildly around, they’re gone, without even the slightest of traces. Other times, they slam straight into you, and while you’re busy regaining your balance, they’re gone, just like that.
You’re probably wondering, “So why is that I’m not happy? Why are there so many miserable people in the world if they all can aim for happiness?” And I can understand that.
It’s like when you were little, and your friend had a big fluffy teddy-bear in her room, and you loved it so, so, so much that you went every day to her house to hug it. You wanted it so badly that you pleaded and begged until your parents bought it for you. But once you had it in (continued)

arms, hugging it tight, it felt like it wasnt worth anything anymore. The only thing you felt when you looked at the teddy-bear was what you felt when you looked at any other stuffed animal toy in your room. It was yours—you owned it—and therefore, it was worthless.

this is the beginning of a short story.
any good?

Answer 1

I like a lot of the language used, but would suggest that before you continue; you need a few things clear in your mind:

1. Who is the narrator? Is it you? Or is it someone-else? You have to understand the narrator, in order to use their language and mannerisms. This makes them real for the reader.
2. Do you have a plan? Do you already have a beginning, middle & end? Some writers do let their characters write the story / plot for them, but they have to be incredibly strong characters.
3. Have you defined all your intended characters? Until you know them and know how they would react in any situation, they will remain 2-dimensional and will not gain any emotion from the reader.

I am not being critical of your work, just offering some advice that I received at uni.

Answer 2

This reads more like a personal essay than a short story. The first person telling here makes it difficult to even guess at who the "character" in your short story might be. I think if you want to draw the reader in you need to set tone a little differently. Maybe it would help to start off with the part about the teddy bear to draw the reader in and put it in a personal sense: "When I was little my best friend had the fluffiest teddy bear in her room. Every time I went to her house I ran to her room to hug it. I wanted one just like it so badly that I begged and pleaded with my parents until they bought one for me...."

I'd be interested in reading it when you've done some work on it to see where the story is going. I think you have good ideas here that everyone has pondered at one time or another, but I think without rewriting, it will still have the feel of an essay and not a short story. Not that there's anything wrong with essays...but as this stands, it isn't a short story.

Answer 3

That's actually the best beginning of a short story I have ever heard. I love the list of what's in the bag. I like the dramatic irony of the readers knowing but the security guard being clueless. I also like how stubborn Theo is. He reminds me of Peter Highman (played by Robert Downey Jr) in Due Date. If you haven't seen that film, I suggest you do. It's funny as hell and RDJ is dreamy! GREAT STORY! P.S. Don't listen to the people telling you to change the narration, I think that first person narration is rubbish. It's more interesting when you're telling the story from a 3rd point of view. For example, which one sounds better... "It's jut nothing." I told him. or "It's just nothing." Theo explained. Much better. Plus you don't have to add the extra bit to the end of the speech, that was just an example. Well done!

Answer 4

This seems to be a big swirl of thought. No point or direction. The start of a story? I’m sorry but I’d have to say no. Maybe an essay the teacher would have you write as the first assignment of a writing class.

Answer 5

There is plenty of good here...
You are telling the story in the 'First Person' point of view. You started by 'have a theory' and then you wrote about the lesson of material disappointments of childhood. Read and edit until you are satisfied. But don't stop..

Answer 6

got some potential how about mentioned the bear first and the feeling of simple owner ship then start your story then end with the bear again so you round up the start and finish with a single image of the Bear and what it first represented and what it finally represented then your story almost reads as a flash back

Answer 7

The theory of short story is more complex than what it at first seems. Because the story is short in terms of someone's lifespan, for instance, a tension must be created between the details that always come with the novel, and the plot, the process of events. So, there is no room for philosophizing in a short story in place of telling the story. The story itself must stand for the philosophy to which it is pointing.

Notice, too, that you use the word "you" repetitiously. This term is called an exclusive term because its effect on the reader is that it does not point back to you, the writer, too. You are excluded from those to whom you are pointing. Instead, try approaching it from an inclusive perspective. If your main character is you, then use 'I', and then take on the personna of the main character, moving back and forth from you as the writer to you as the character, giving life to that character, both ficitonal and not fictional.

But, the most important aspect is to allow the story to compel itself forward, using both plot and character, weaving between these aspects of reality, showing and telling. As an English professor, the first thing I teach my students is that writing has two complementary parts that require both. It is the process that tells and shows the reader, always both. Applying the principle here, when one of your characters tells something, then let the story show it somehow. It is this tension between telling and showing that drives a story forward, not philosophizing by the author or the characters in a story. And, the reason for that is that human beings don't think in words; instead, we think in images, and those images come for our imaginations.

In your short story beginnings here, let your reader see your main characters' unhappiness by having her/him do something that demonstrates anyone's unhappiness. A short story in particular has no room for developing a pattern of behavior that demonstrates it, so as the author you must let the teddy bear and the character belong to each other in the grip of sadness and lonliness. And, most important, you must not spoonfeed the reader these things. You must trust your reader to feel the way you do. Don't try to be universal, all things to all people, let universality be you. Write for yourself. Readers are guests in your heart and your soul. They respect the honesty of the imagination.

I believe you have a wonderful balance between your adjectives and the context within which you use them, a simplicity that you must allow to work its way through your story because I believe the universal truth you are talking about in the story is about the simplicity of tuth/s, no matter the pain we feel about it. So, you have a foot in the right direction with your opportunities that whip by you while you flail around trying to grab them as they go by, slamming into your own fragile human nature, clueless and without respect for rich or poor.

Do you see that I have used your words to demonstrate the philosophical/existential truth/s your story is trying to demonstrate. In short story, it is important to almost say stuff, but never say it exactly. There is a technique called Estrangement that works well in short story. This literary technique/method is used to put the reader off balance, jerking him/her out of his/her complacency with what is conventional in life, what we are used to, in other words, by emphasizing the strangeness/alienation of the walls we build around ourselves. We live in a comfort zone that often acts as a wall between us and what we are afraid of or what we don't know, the Unknown, often those things that force us to see what we don't want to see. Harold Pinter, a famous British playwright, is a contemporary master at this technique. And, I can feel in this beginning of your story that you are trying to do that, keep your readers one step in front of where they think you are taking them, so that when you take them somewhere else, it will be an eye opening event. Simplicity is often used in this fashion, and I think you do that well, above.

I hope this helps, although there of course, is so much more to understand about writing, an entire lifetime of it, in fact.

Answer 8

I think it is a good beginning of a short story. It sounds so interesting, I wish I had the rest of the story so I could read it!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

i think it's good. It got me wanting to read more!
Keep up the good work x

Answer 10

its very good!except the philosophies arnt very original