Time to think - or breaking up??????

Question

Hi, first time I’ve done this but I don't know what to do - My boyfriend and I have decided to have a break to think about stuff - we have lived together for three years. The problem is that we want different things for the future. I want kids soon - he has no plans for them yet (hasn’t said no though) the other day he went out for a drink and came back 2 days later. This really shocked me because he has never done this before - I certainly wouldn’t accept it on a regular basis. He justified where he'd been and I do believe him because I know him very well but I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t call or text to say where he had been. His explanation for not calling was "I don’t know - I messed up" I’m now thinking he needed space as I have recently put pressure on him about children. I asked him to leave and have a think, after 3 years together, I think I deserve better than his complete lack of respect for me when he appeared to have vanished of the face of the earth and hadn’t called. I told him this, he looked sad, said he wants to talk tomorrow, I said that wasn’t long enough to think about such a massive thing - but he was adamant that he wanted to see me tomorrow. I would like him to grow up a bit, he puts everyone else first and goes out with his mates often - but says he loves me. (Don’t get me wrong - I don’t mind the mate’s thing, I’d just like to feel important in his life from time to time) I believe him when he says he loves me but he is so rubbish at thinking of my feelings. I am soooo much in love with him in every other way and really, I do not know what to do now. Now, I am worried that in his "time to think time" he will make the decision to leave. I know that if he does then I should accept that is his decision based on that we both want different things, I’m not sure my dreams are that far fetched as he is 30 and I’m 28 and I adamant that I should stick to what I believe in a relationship. I am a pathetic venerable person at the moment, frightened that he won’t come back - Please help - Be gentle with yr replies xxxxxxxx

Answer 1

I feel you. I too am in a 3 year relationship with someone who doesn't want to settle down yet. Keep in mind, men, are fragile creatures when it comes to children or commitment. Are you guys married? If not, try not to talk about kids to him. That my dear, will "freak" even my bf out. If he hasn't treated you like this before the conversation of kids, then that means you guys are doing good, he's just not ready to "settle down" yet. The problem with men is, they refuse to be "OLD". They think they could be young forever. Most of them can't see themselves as fathers. That means, if you love him, give him time to ripe up for the position. Don't force. BUT, him disappearing for two days is a complete BS. He should of called. If he loves you like he says he does, lets hope he didn't cheat on you. After the shock of talking about kids, he probably left to think about his life with you. And that, we need to understand(because it's a big step for them) You guys need to talk. Don't give him too much time off, if he's ready to talk. Let him talk. Be gentle when you do. They freak out easly. Good luck

Answer 2

It's not up to anyone here to say whether you should stay or go, we don't know the full situation. So here's some stuff that might help you make the right decision for you:

On the basis that you really did have feelings for one another at the start then the usual reason for a break down like this is secrets. There's stuff he's done that he hasn't told you about. It's not necessarily major, could be a lot of little things that build up over time. (And it can be on both sides.)

If you want to sort it out you need to find out what he's been doing. A question like "what have you done that I don't know about?" should do the trick. But *whatever* he says you shouldn't react, just acknowledge it and find out if there's anything else.

Background reading here:

http://www.scientologyhandbook.org/SH13.HTM

(I know you're not married per se, but you've been living together.)

Then the hard stuff here:

http://www.scientologyhandbook.org/SH10.HTM

Good luck. If you have any questions, I don't mind answering them.

Answer 3

Him taking those days off was for the purpose of showing you that he doesnt want to be controlled.
You should try and take it easy - esp. around the holidays.

I suppose hes feeling somewhat "guilty" about proving his independance and now is trying to make up for it, but you shouldnt force the matter right now and if you try and take advantage and pull a guilt trip hes gone.

You waited all that long - so you can wait maybe 2 or 3 more years that wont make a whole lot of difference now anyways.
You can also use this time to keep looking for guys being ready to get serious... just dont pressure it now and enjoy the season - If you enjoy it, he will enjoy it too and be much more ready than by stressful dicussions and decisions...

Answer 4

I think you both need some space. Him going AWOL was quite inconsiderate but it's also a cry for help. You both need to settle some demons so time off will do some good. This situation was bound to arise anyways with both of you wanting different things. Better to face it now and if he doesn't come back then you must be better off without him.

Answer 5

Hi, i really dont think this is the place for such a question... The amount of effort you put into your question, well, if you've put half as much thought into your relationship then i really think you two should talk things through and sort it... Good luck and all the best to you both, whatever the outcome...

Answer 6

Break up with him. Maybe then he will realize what he lost. You are 28 and your biological clock is ticking. He is still a child that needs to grow up and think what he wants out of life. If he doesn't come crawlin back to you then you know that he will only settle down maybe in another 10 years time. It will just meen that you lost another 10

Answer 7

Sometime you have to move on for your own sanity, even if you still love him.

If you move into your own place then you can still seem him, but he could try and regain your trust.

But if he is being disrepectful then go etc.

I am in such a similar situation, i am going to leave, but it is never easy falling out of love, there is no answer to this.

Do what is right for you, emotional but also in terms of logic, if it's not going to work don't draw out the process.

Email me if you need support.

[e-mail]

Answer 8

If you love him be honest about how you feel, and let him be honest about how he feels, maybe if you are both completely open and honest you can come to an agreement where both of you are happy, and neither of you have to give up their dreams.

If he decides to leave, let him go, it will hurt, but if it is ment to be he will come back! Just follow your heart!

Answer 9

it sounds like he is getting influenced by someone elese and is slipping away from you slowly just lay down the law and tell him what is right and what is wrong. if he keeps doing this he is going to ruin your life from being an successful person. if he keeps going on like this just say we are through and pack and leave because that is not right what he is doing.

hope it helps :)

Answer 10

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