When your hubby cheated, how do you "just let it go"?

Question

All of my friends tell me that if i'm going to stay and work it out, i need to forgive and forget and let it go. The forgiveness is easy, cuz i love him, but forgetting and letting it go are the hardest things i've ever had to do. Granted the wound is fresh, i found out halloween night. I keep torturing myself with images of her and him and asking why and how did this happen? How could he do this to me, etc? How does one just let that go? I think the thing that keeps me up at night, is his stupid whore called me and told me WAY too much. It was bad enough to just know they had sex, but to know where, when and how, locations, etc, drives me insane. They had sex in his car, now i know that i have to sit in the same spot he f*cked his whore in. I dread getting in his car. He has let her go, and i know this 100%. We are seeking marriage counseling and seeing our pastor. I believe we're doing all the right things to move on, but how do I let it go and how long does it take?

Answer 1

You can forgive, but it would be foolish to forget. You need to be aware that this has happened so you can protect yourself from having it happen again. Just try to remember that he's here with you now, he's working at making it work with you, it is you he wants to be serious with. Don't forget he's made a mistake, but don't forget to acknowledge that he's paying for it and doing his best to make up for it. Sometimes this can make a relationship stronger than it ever was before, but you just have to give it time to find that out.

Answer 2

I posted this answer in another forum and I think it fits here as well.
Only its a two sided sword. The wife cheated too:

I did. At the time I thought it was for a good reason. Wife got up and left home. Took the kids and just went to her Mothers 800 miles away.. No problems no warning, just left. A month and a half later she came back. We talked every day during her absence, no problems she was visiting her Mom. No problem that year. Next year at summer Vacation; kids out of school...wham, she did it again. I knew it was coming again no apparent problems... this time for 3 Months, (kids had to go back to school), this time I argued her place was with me at home. I lasted till about Month 2. I was getting involved. I even wonder sometimes if I should have stayed with the gf. As it turned out years later wife & I both put our cards on the table. She stated she was very close with having an affair so she fled to Moms. And later she did have an affair with someone entirely different. This was after 11 years of Marriage. Now we are on 26. No you never forget. B/c of my religious beliefs I forgive. I cannot forget. I use this story to help others from making the same mistakes I have. After reading this some of you are saying:"yeah you made a mistake ...you stayed with her"... It works both ways guys. As I said I use this story to help some on the brink, it has helped some. Hope it can help others too. I still have the scars as I am sure she does too.

Answer 3

Well, it seems you feel she was some competition.

Beat her at her own game. Seduce him in the car. You be the one he remembers being with in the car. Do it twice. Do it three times. Whatever it takes to push her memory out. Just make sure you're not doing it against your own judgement. Do it because you're in the car, and he's in the car, and you have to have the man. He'll remember....You.

Dress to the teeth, pick some similar locations now that you know what he is comfortable with and pick one. Seduce the man there.

You have some valuable insight, which I am sure she did not intend to give you.

Take a good look at the intimacy in the relationship that defines you as a couple. Do naughty things with him: take him to the Tantric Sex site, or Kama Sutra, be sultry and sexy and always just a little naughty.

Take the things she told you to the next level. Be HER worst nightmare......forget forgive and forget....win your man. (And lovin' every minute of it, too......)

Answer 4

Been there, done that. You are getting alot of advice, some good some not so good. Look, if you want to stay and give it a go, you have to cut the ordeal loose or it will never work. It will always be the first thing you throw in his face during an arguement. It will always be painful and it will be the hardest thing in the world. If you are not up to forgetting it, believe me you will relive it a million times, every time he is 5 minutes late. If it is worth saving to you, then you have to let it go.

Answer 5

this i am really sorry to hear about because it happened to me as well. you can forgive and let go but you will never forget i promise you. i case was over 16 years ago and yes we are still together but i never forgot nor do i want to. the amount of trust that was there before will never be there again. you do regain a lot of trust but it is somehow different. I knew about it but i tried to ignore it away till one day he came home from work and introduced me to that whore and said "this is who i am with now" i just wanted to kill myself and the worst part is that whore was uglier than homemade sin, had it been some one better all the way around i would have felt as bad. to look at that it made me mad just to have the idea in my head that is that thing what he thinks of me. i moved out and he'd come ot my house all the time trying to apologize and thinking that i would sleep with him like i was the other woman, well hell no, anyway i would see them out and that person had started to dress like me, wear their hair and makeup and everything like me and started to doing some of the things that i normally do. after a while i told him that it was either me or that trash and if it wasnt me then i was leaving and going back home to my mothers so he put her out and yes i would not stay in that house. we moved, got new furniture and of course a new bed because i was not gonna lay where some dog had laid. all and all you learn to love again and you do gain a lot of the trust back but you never forget because if you do you will fall for it again and the sex will never be the same, i hope its different for you because that emotional pain hurts like hell but any friend that says dont try it then think of what they might want. wanna chat more about this please feel free to email anytime

Answer 6

i was married for 4 months and pregnant 3 months with our first child when my husband went to another country for one week. during that week, he had a one night stand. he told me about it when he returned bc the guilt was eating him up inside. after being hit by a truck emotionally, i decided that night that i would forgive him bc i truely felt he regretted it and truely wanted my forgiveness. and bc i still loved him and we were about to bring an innocent child into the world. only you can tell if your husband is truely remorseful, i decided that night to forgive him although i will never forget, and i dont let him forget either. it has been almost 5 years since and 2 children. i trust him again completely. i do not regret my decision at all. although our situations are different bc my husband had a one night stand in antoher country with someone i will never meet or see so that part was easier for me, i dont know if i would have done the same if it were someone from our own country let alone our community. but you have to decide to forgive and then forgive but you will never forget and neither should he.
GOOD LUCK> i think once you move on, it the pain will ease up, but never go away

Answer 7

As beings with the torture of being human the "just let it go" practice is always more difficult and intricate than our language makes it. The ability to "just let it go" is an awakening experience that very few of us are able to obtain. The reason most of us do not "just let it go" is because of fear. Fear is one of the greatest hindrances of an enlightened life. Your personal fight with what you fear will in the end allow you to "just let it go" or maybe it will not, the journey is what's important anyway.

I would like to pose a question to help answer you question on "how long does it take?" My question is; How did you arrive at the decision to "stay and work it out"? This question is meant to solicit a beginning to the process of what do you really fear. Were you afraid of being alone?, starting new?, loosing a best friend?, your own self-worth? Hopefully this question will lead you to the answers you need.

Answer 8

I would like to know the same thing. I don't know if you can let it go. I also know the details because she came to my house and told me. How did she know where I lived you ask? Well that would be because she came to my house while I was out of town and they ate at my kitchen table by candlelight. I know what you mean about details. I don't know how you get past that cause I can't. I have just determined that I am going through with the divorce, I would suggest that you bring this up to the counselor and to your pastor. They maybe able to help you get past that part of it. I would also say that you should pray on it also. Good luck to you and God bless.

Answer 9

You're doing all the right things but the pain is still fresh. As time passes, these memories will be replaced by other, kinder memories of you and your spouse. She was nothing but a whore and you can't let that control your thoughts entirely. It sounds like you have the support of your husband and community. Stay with it. God Bless.

Answer 10

red: Firstly; I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about the whole issue. You have had your trust violated by the man who says he loves you. Once trust is violated, it is very difficult to mend. Your husband has to realize how you feel about him making lust [ not love] to another woman in your place. Tell him exactly what you feel, think and the damage it has caused for your love towards him. You have to make him earn trust back, be convinced of his sincerity, and he has to demonstrate his love for you ! You don't want him to think that he has some kind of idiot for a wife, and that all he has to do is tell you what you want to hear, so you will simply, forgive and forget. There is no love in the absence of trust. This whore is trying to rub salt into your wounds to get you to hate your husband therefore, she can get her paws on him with you out of the way. Tell your husband to think about it this way. If you were to leave him, then, he would be stuck with a whore HE couldn't trust and be sorry he let you go for a few seconds feeling with a whore. I hope the idiot of a husband of yours sees the damage he caused himself, you and any children he has. Good luck to you.