what do you do when you get feelings back for some one who has done you wrong for 6 years?

Question

i had his child and he was violent twards me ? but i didn't take his crap i stood up for myself unlike alot of other women....but the thing is we still do things for each other as if we were still together but we don't argue and actually agree on things that we use to argue about......is this a good thing or bad....i am really trying to push my feelings to the side and not pay attention to them but i was with him for 6 years and loved him very much all except the violence.....how would i go about healing my self not to have these crazy feelings for this man.....i know not to spen that much time together but remind you we do have a child in common and it is the christmas season and we are trying to get things for her christmas.....so it is really hard.....
please no stupid or ignarant comments only serious ones!!!!thank you for your time

Answer 1

His abuse came from "owning" you. If you get back under "his rule". I would expect thing to go right back the way they were.
On the other hand, he may not be so quick to abuse because he knows that you have the strength to leave.
If you really want to make up, tell him that you will take detailed notes if he acts up and you'll make it to where he won't see his daughter.

Answer 2

He isn't acting like he was in the relationship, so he's appealing. Just remember his true colours, and the occasions of violence. You may share a child - that doesn't mean you have to have any contact with him. It would be in your best interest to keep your distance, and let your child have the relationship with him. You'll never be able to move on - to perhaps a prospective, healthy relationship - with another man while this guy is in your life. As for it being Christmas - so the kids gets to celebrate it twice, at 2 separate homes. What's the downside?

Answer 3

Hon, you don't love him, you love what you THINK he is or could be, that is, unless you like violence, and wish your child to grow up thinking violence is normal (It isn't!!!) or your self esteem is so low that you will put up with a snake like this rather than be alone for awhile so you can find someone appropriate.... In your place, I'd go back to school (lots of us do, and did -- for years, got up at 5:30a, worked until 4.p, took classes until 9:30p, only to do it over. Studied on weekends....it wasn't easy...) to qualify for a better job, and meet a better class of men. This is no stupid, ignorant comment, hon., and I promise that the stuff below has been used by lots of us to "train" rude people.....

People who think violence is normal, and wish to patch things up with those who have been violent toward them have rather low self esteem, and if you are a nice lady, even tempered, don't swear, know how to negotiate differences without rage, then you deserve better, and so does your child. Buy a book called "The Assertive Option". Though your note rather runs all together, I am hoping you are a bright enough lady to read and understand just how you can indeed get your wishes out there, yet not insult your ex, or anyone. And good for you for standing up for yourself.... but it takes more that that. If you intend to have this man spend anytime with you and his child, he needs to understand that certain sentences and the like will not be tolerated. If he is an idiot, and grew up in a violent environment, he may not understand that people can discuss and negotiate things without violence. you might not be able to TEACH him anything, but you can indeed TRAIN him, and this book will help.... Just as a little note, you and he need to understand the "IF...THEN..." contract, which is one among many outlined and discussed in this book. (It's an oldie, still available in papaerback on Amazon.com, cheap. A standard book for Human behavior classes, and psychologist.... easy reading, actually.... and SOOOOO effective) It is applicable to your problem of violence. As an example, "If you come to visit us and If you use inapporpriate language, and are not kind to me and your child, THEN I will ask you to leave...." If he understands that this contract is in place, you will be surprised what will happen. He will have no idea what you are doing to him, but he will be trained, and you will, when he blows up, simply ask him to leave. Not lowering yourself to his violence and rage, just kills guys like this. Does this help? I hope so. I hope you get the book, and write if you have more questions..

Answer 4

I think you would be crazy to go back. I had an abusive ex. We were together 8 years. Its taken him about 6 years to realize that he in fact was the one with the problems. I think he did learn his lesson and he begs me back all the time. However, I think he would be good to ANOTHER woman. I think in a moment of anger he would still hit me as I have accepted the behavior in the past and forgiven him. Make sense? I would never go back even though we have a semi-normal realtionship now. However, the reason I came to this conclusion is that he has seen me happy with my new boyfreind and he displayed anger to me about it. He was extremely jealous. So beware. Alot of mines I think is an act. The rage is still there just lurking under the surface waiting to come out. Hes not really "CURED". I dont think they ever will be sadly. All the classes....all the courts. I still catch glimpses of the behavior despite his best efforts to convince me hes changed. I damn near fell for it.

As far as healing....get on with your own life. Being with a caring and decent man that would NEVER hit me is the best thing in my life and I dont miss all that drama. You shouldnt either. especially if you have a kid involved. The kid is healthy. Keep it that way by not going back for more BS!

Answer 5

Well the only reason you have those feelings is because you are seeing him in a different manner than beofre. And he might not argue with you now because he knows you and him are doing this fro teh sake of your child. SO if those feeling persiet both of you sit down and talk about how it used to be and how it is now and maybe he did change or he's just doing it for the holidays. And Merry Christmas to both of you and especially for your child

Answer 6

Yeah, it's really hard. What to do? Ask yourself (and maybe him) if he's gotten help to control the violence and anger. If he hasn't, lie down and wait until the feelings for him go away. Do that unless you like the violence because that tendency will not change without a great deal of work and help on his part. Apparently the violence comes with intimacy.

Answer 7

Get some professional help before you fall back into the same trap you were in.....Don't let the sentimentality of Christmas lure you into making bad decisions...you share a child...you always will but that is no reason to return to someone who was violent.....see a counselor to help you sort out these feelings and stay firm......protect yourself and your daughter....merry christmas and best of luck

Answer 8

Been there ,done that.Get out now.Take your child and run as fast as you can away from this violent man,for the sake of the kid if not yourself.It was the best the decision I ever made in my life.Now I have a man that loves in a non-violent way.He adopted my son as his own and we have a daughter.There is life out there.Go find it.Good luck.

Answer 9

do nothing keep your heart lucked up don't let him see your feelings i know u have a baby with him but him hitting you is not what you want for your baby yes holidays are here but keeping u and your baby safe comes first you are doing the right thing in till you know that he has changed you need to keep what is going on to yourself do not let him hurt you your baby could see what happens this time around

Answer 10

just be parents of the child, but don't get back into a real relationship with him, physical violence doesn't heal easily, don't spend too much time with him, limit it. just don't go back together as a couple.