How much do you have to work with your ex-husband regarding the children after the divorce?

Question

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for three years now. My daughter is 14 and lives with him in another state. She was here with me for the summer and I got her a prepaid cell phone to use.

He sent me an e-mail to cancel her cell phone and send her cash instead. He says that the cell phone goes to waste.

He says that her friends tease her that she is poor because she does not wear the latest clothes or have money to spend at school events.

I sent some money to her lunch account so that she can buy lunch at school once in a while. I also bought her a lot of name brand clothes for Christmas (Hollister , American Eagle Gift card from my parents).

My point is that since I pay child support each month, why should I send money if I cancel the cell phone? He wants me to work with him on how I spend money for my child. He is very controlling and I see this as another control move.

Answer 1

if you pay your child support everymonth then her support part is done. anything extra that you want to buy her is entirely up to you. he cannot tell you what else you should or should not buy for her. he should be using the support money to take care of her basic needs food, shelter, clothing etc. if you want to buy her a phone buy her a phone. and actually buying her a prepaid phone was better. that way you dont worry about excessive charges. she's 14 and he says her cell phone goes to waste! Im not sure if I beleive that. sounds like he wants the cash for himself. send her whatever you want and buy what ever you want(reassonably within limits) what you want after you have paid child support.

Answer 2

Hi there;

Is there any reason why your daughter is not living with you and is living with your ex?
You do not say if you both have a joint custody arrangement or not.
Contact your daughter directly. Ask her if she is enjoying the cell phone or not. If she is, then don't take it away from her.
Ask her if she needs anything and if you deem its appropriate and can afford it then by all means YOU buy it for her.
DO NOT SEND MONEY until you have consulted your attorney.
Send what the courts have assigned for you to pay. If your daughters needs have changed (as a child ages they have different needs for each growth stage) then the child support should be amended to compensate. Child support is tax deductable so having your support payment upped is not a bad thing as long is your daughter is getting 100% of the benefit.
Please remember that BOTH of you are responsible for the welfare of your daughter.
If he wants to up the amount of support that is cool, you just make sure you have a legal document to protect you and your daughter. You are entitled at that point to see all expenses your daughter has for each month of the last year and all the expenses of your ex and how much money he has coming in. A full accounting of how the child support is being spent is of the first order. Once that is done then a judge will decide who will pay what and how much.
Personally if I was getting reports that my child's emotional needs were not being met due to a living arrangement I would change that living arrangement in a NY minute.
If you are able to provide for your daughter then by all means get custody of her so she can live with you. At her age a mother is important and she needs your presence constantly. A young teen does not need designer clothes to grow up healthy. If the dad is living in an area where such things are status and sending her to a school where such behavior is the norm then the dad can well afford to make sure your daughter does not feel less than her peers.
BTW, you are right it is a control move. Do not cave. Should he call about it again tell him you will talk to your daughter and an attorney to see what can be worked out for you and your daughter. NOT for you, him and your daughter. You divorced him for a reason hon.
PS. If you cancel the cell. Fine. Spend the money on her lunches. When ex calls tell him you have taken care of it and leave the conversation at that.

Answer 3

I feel your pain about dealing with a controlling ex. The base problem with child support orders is there is no traceable on where the money is spend. My ex got temporary child support and within 10 days after the court order the ex brought a brand new 4X4 Truck with all the bells and whistles that the monthly car loan equals to within 45.00 per month of what I am ordered to pay her for my only child. So I know what my money is paying for. Now there was the family car that I was paying the insurance on and it took me over eight months to get the car back. I have been drive that car for over two years!!! so it wasn't something that was necessary.

I would keep all records of purchases for your child. The best way that I have done was recording all receipts in monthly envelopes and using a checking type program like MS money or Quicken to log in the expenses that way you can print out yearly reports.

Try to look into information on co-parenting or parent Alienation syndrome and support groups like that. Remember money ever equals love which is another reason why child support guidelines fails the kids

Answer 4

Well first off I dont know how many truly "poor and impoverished" children have cell phones to start with....Dont send her money. Its likely she wont get it. As long as you are making the monthly obligation that the court imposed...anything over and above that is discretionary......meaning YOUR discretion. If it makes you feel better (as it would me) knowing my child had access to a phone in an emergency situation, then let her have it and screw what he thinks. Maybe you shouldnt be asking him. Maybe you should use that cell phone to communicate with your daughter and find out what it is that she wants ....within reason. Sounds like your ex is definately using your child in some kind of power play over you. Tell him to bite it. Spend your money how you and your daughter think is best.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, he is the one raising her, not you. So since he is the custodial parent you need to be more concerned with what is in the best interest of her your (daughter) and less concerned with his controlling or not controlling issues. Talk to your daughter, and so what if you are paying child support, if she needs extra things, and you dont want to send money. Talk to your daughter directly and see what her needs are and send her some clothing or whatever it is she is in need of. Ask her if the cell phone is something she does not want? If she still wants it then continue to pay the bill, this at least allows her to have access to you when she wants. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 6

If you are paying child support then it is up to him to use it to provide for your daughter. However, as a parent, you want to do all you can to ensure that your child is cared for properly. You cannot dictate how he spends the CS, but if you have the excess cash, then why not do the extra's. Your daughter will see you in a different light and will see his true colors. Just be careful about sending cash, because he could possibly be using it for himself. This happened with my ex and I think it is absolutely dispicable, but it happens. He should be paying for lunches and providing any monetary expenses she incurs, that is what child support is for and if he is not doing this start keeping receipts of all you spend on your daughter. Don't let him control you, but be there for your daughter and let her know even if she is not with you, you still love her and will go the extra-mile. She will eventually see what a loser he is....Good Luck!

Answer 7

I am a man and have been married and divorced twice. Three children from the first marriage and two from the second. I adopted one child from each marriage, that my wives had had, one out of wedlock and the other from a previous marriage. I paid support and had visitation rights on both accounts, until all were 18 or emancipated. When they were with me, we would go out and buy special clothes or items they needed or wanted. The support money that I sent to my ex's was used, by her, for purposes outlined by the courts. If I were you, I would recheck your divorce agreement, if you are meeting your legal obligations
I would remind him of that. Meet your legal requirements and then when your daughter visits you, spend money you have saved for her on those occasions.

Answer 8

I think you should listen to your ex. He lives with her and knows what she needs. Control has nothing to do with it. He is being honest with you and he is telling you what your daughter needs. A cell phone is not a necessity and your daughter shouldn't have to be embarrassed to go to school. If you don't trust him. Send her gift cards, not cash. Talk to your daughter make sure she gets them. Ask her what she bought. Ask for a picture of herself wearing her new clothes. Talk to your daughter and ask her if she would rather have money for new clothes. Don't make this an issue between you and your ex. It doesn't have to be.

Answer 9

I can see it is a control thing. I can also see his point tho. A teenaged girl needs money constantly. I have a soon to be 16 yr old and she is always in need. My ex pays support but there are many things that go above and beyond. I understand, don't get me wrong, just know, its about your daughter. Good luck.

Answer 10

you have my sympathy, I had an analogous situation. regrettably if he is going to be led around like an fool by using some gf, then there is not any longer too plenty you're able to do. you would be able to desire to get his interest so he respects you because of the fact the mummy of his newborn and your opinion - perhaps there's a fashion by using the court docket?? purely you recognize what would inspire him. perhaps you may attempt no longer being so beneficial, comprehend-how and cooperative. i comprehend you opt for to have a beneficial relationship to your newborn's sake yet each so often that may no longer possible. incredibly, she has no ideal to incredibly have a say in something in any respect. whether they have been married she has no ideal. I hate meddling witches like her - they seem to be a shame to all woman.