This is for men who have cheated, or women who just might have an answer?

Question

My hubby had an affair. I know all about it. Whats done is done, it cant be changed, and we are trying to move on towards the future. He has shown remorse, he cried, guilt, embarassement, all the "right things". But heres where i'm scared. IF he felt so guilty and so sorry, would this affair really lasted 6 months? This was not going out one night and getting drunk and making a mistake. This was an everday, planned, on the phone, event. I want to make it work, only cuz i am guilty of a one night mistake years ago, which he knows, and has forgiven me. But my fear is this: if he didnt feel truely guilty and isnt truely sorry, this WILL happen again. How can you talk to your wife on the phone, when your GF is there, tell your wife u love her before u hang up, knowing damn well you just got done with your GF or getting ready to do her? Does any man out there have an explanation of what goes through your head. Is it possible to do all that and still feel guilty & love ur wife?

Is it possible to cheat once and realize what you could loose and stop? I know i was part of the problem in his affair. NOT BLAMING MYSELF OR MAKING EXCUSES. we fought alot. i was hardly a wife, if you know what i mean. and i have changed, i have done a 180 turn around. and i am so afraind its all for nothing, that he'll do it again. it emotionally exhausts me. i'm giving 150%, and on the outside, so is my hubby, but i cant read his mind. oh, and i am seeking marriage counseling. I just need advice on what the male mind goes through when he has an affair and if once he's caught, can he recommit to his wife?

Answer 1

You need to stop being delusional and get a divorce right away. This obviously is working for both of you. You both cheated on each other. It's just a matter of time before it starts to become a pissing contest.

You are lucky that he didn't dump you when you cheated on him. He is a dumb guy for sticking with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Just be glad you're going to get half his stuff when you split up. It could have been a lot worse.

Next time, pay attention to what a guy DOES, not what he SAYS. Action speak louder than words. He is lying lying lying to you. He should get an Oscar for his performance. I can't believe you actually fell for it. He cheated on you for 6 months. He cheated on you for 6 months. He cheated on you for 6 months. He cheated on you for 6 months. He cheated on you for 6 months. He cheated on you for 6 months. How dense can you be?!?!

Answer 2

It's very easy to say "once a cheater always a cheater". That's not the answer. Real men do not "not" cheat because they fear of losing something. Fear of losing someone is not a factor when we decide whether or not to have an affair. We are motivated by the exact opposite- new coochie. There's very little guilt involved.

The biggest mistake women make is making it all about them when a man cheats. Most of the time it's about the other woman. That's why so many women are willing to be the other woman because it is all about the other woman. Bottom line- if your husband is going to cheat, you can't control it. So have to decide whether his is worth it. How did you know it lasted 6 months? If he told you he was screwing somone for 6 months, he obviously does not care about your feelings. He could have minimized the situation and said 6 weeks. He doesn't care about the way you feel. He will still see the other woman.

Answer 3

"He has shown remorse, he cried, guilt, embarrassment, all the "right things"." - Only because he knows this is what you wanted to hear. The "right things" are not doing it in the first place. Once it is done, there is no "right thing" to do.

Guilt was not involved in the six months. If he understood and felt guilt this would not have happened. This is not to say he doesn't love you as you seem to be suggesting love and this guilt should go hand in hand. Many people find it very easy to love someone yet feel no guilt when they cheat on them. That, I can't explain but it is true.

Will it happen again? Likely. You need to look at your relationship and decide if you can put up with that. You say "we are trying to move on", let me tell you (coming from a man) that YOU are trying to move on. He is trying to forget while at the same time trying to understand how he got caught or why he told you; which ever the case may be.

BTW, your "one night mistake years ago" is no different than his six months of cheating. If I cheat on my taxes one time or for six months is there a difference? No, I have cheated and that is that.

Answer 4

Been through the same thing a few years ago. I busted my man good, I gave him a second chance,( since nobody is perfect, and I know I've made mistakes in my life). Unfortunately, I have to say he continued his affairs, even started new ones - like i had given permission by forgiving him. I guess he was only guilty coz i found him out, not because of what he had done.

Since then I have had 2 more relationships go the same way. Neither got a second chance.
In my opinion, its pretty simple. If he truly loved you he would never have done it in the first place.

Answer 5

Well Honey: let me dispel your fears about waiting for the other shoe to fall, it did for me. And, in fact it fell again and, again. What to do, I loved her more than life. I left for a year, came back after a lot of her promises and crying. It happen again. In 35 years, six times that I know of.
I believe it's an illness. I have walked the line straight and narrow, we go to church, to communion, we get along as well as anyone else. We have five children and 15 grand plus five great, so, we're not spring chickens.
I'm pretty sure it's over now. It didn't wear it out, They've all died of old age or disease. She's actually is good shape, looks like she's about 50 nice shape. I can only hope.
I love her and have forgiven her as God would, but it's hard to forget. It hurts real bad.

If you did kick him out, what makes you think the next guy wouldn't do the same? Please, don't get even, two wrongs don't make a right. I don't know what else to say.

Answer 6

You're right to be concerned. He had an affair because he wasn't getting something at home. That hasn't changed, and all that's going to change is that he'll do a better job at hiding his affairs. You both need counselling, but for him to have a 6 month affair means he was willing to have a long term relationship with another woman. Sorry, but I know what I'm talking about. I had a 4 year affair, and I know a little of what he was going through.

Answer 7

So, let me see if I got this correct...you made a 'mistake' years back and he just ended an affair?

To be honest, you both are cheaters...he just cheated longer.

You done it once so you might do it again. The same with him.

I understand people falling out of love but also both women and men have lust and the thrill of something new.

Both women and men will enjoy the "forbidden fruit" just to see where it goes when they start a affair with someone that is married. It's a thrill for them to take away from someone else.

Answer 8

You two need to talk about your relationship and your sexuality.

do you really want to be with each other? Do you want your partner to be happy? The ideal of Lifelong Fidelity is a tough one.

Maybe you just need to agree. Should the other partner desire someone outside the marriage, then the other partner is to be notified. Set ground rules: Yes, you can go for it as long as it's only a one-nighter....whatever.....and bottom line is that your relationship would remain intact. Safe sex would be practiced by both parties. does the other partner want to be included? Sexuality is extremely complex and a puritanical attitude does not always suit a couple's style. the key is to agree. He never left, neither did you. Quit sneaking, that's what hurts.

Answer 9

I'm proud that you were honest with your one night stand, but his 6 months of selfish pleasure just doesn't seem right.

I'm one of those who feel that once a cheat, always a cheat.

I also don't have any faith in counselors. WE don't know what kinds of lives they lead...........and or why!!

IF counseling were to be sought, I'd be hog tieing old 6 monther there and making him attend too.

Our wedding vows say for better or worse. YOU are putting some of the blame on yourself, and it's not right. I know this because you mentioned it, so you do.

You maybe weren't the perfect wife, but then he wasn't the charming hubby either. IT takes work. It sounds like you want it to work, but does he?? Men cry to make our hearts weak for them and to see the tears, not feel their true feelings. Their only guilty when they finally get caught!!

It's up to you, but if it were me, his shi* would be thrown to the curb and I'd sue him for every red cent and property he has.

Answer 10

he is only sorry that it did not work out with the girlfriend, and now he wants to come home because he has no one. no i do not believe a man who stays gone 6 months, loves u. it is all the plotting and planning, and being there 6 months that makes u wonder. anyone who loves and respects the wife will never do this to her. it is all about his selfishness, that he bases his feeling on lust and sex, and looks, and lets face it we aren't the same as we were when we married than, as lust does loose it's luster after awhile. if he is confusing true love with these things, than it is so immature. i would never go back with him, because u will never be able to get past what he did, and the deceitful way he did it. a one night stand is just that, but this is quite different, it required a conscious willful effort on both their parts, alot of plotting and discussing, and selfishness from him and his lover. he cries because things did not turn out the way he expected them to be, and now he is left without, just as u were when he left, i would never take him back.