opinions please? (poem for english class)?

Question

Meanwhile, sitting at her piano in a small, dark room
Her fingers fall lightly upon the keys
She reflects on the past year and its effect on her dreams
Amanda Stewart, with her ‘til the end
She’s the true definition of a best friend
Had it not been for Michelle would she have wanted to change?
Looking back now it all seems so strange
Her once selfish attitude now turned selfless
Has helped her realize that she is mess
And that one special person she holds dear to her heart
Had it not been for him she would’ve fallen apart
Dreams once lost were rediscovered
Her hope and faith soon after uncovered
Since those times she’s seemed to slip
It seems as though she’s losing her grip
What is it that makes her so sad?
So overwhelmed and mean and mad
She doesn’t care about things anymore
Her concentration, out the door
She wants to fix it with all of her heart
She just needs to find the right place to start
To start a better life for herself
To put the bad upon a shelf
To be the person she wants to be
Instead of what everyone else wants to see
Is it really too much to ask?
To carry out this simple task
The task of looking deeper than skin
The task of finding what’s really within
She wants to become an amazing musician
It’s always been her greatest ambition
Music is the only thing that she holds true
As she plays for herself in that small, dark room…

i have to write a poem for english class about my past present and future. i was just wondering if this sounds acceptable. is it and ok poem? because i tend to be absolutely awful at poetry and i really don't like writing it very much. i'm open to all opinions so speak your mind. thank you.

Answer 1

Not bad, not too bad....

The rhyming doesn't detract from the sense and flow of the ideas, which is an example of well-handled rhyme, a rarity in school poets.

If you want, you can make it tighter. Amanda and Michelle need definition or clarity; there are some repetitious ideas, that ask whether repetition is a proper device here, and some answer yes; and double meanings and ambiguity are a poet's forte.

Use it as it is, or put your back into it and make it better. Whichever you do, Have Fun!

Answer 2

You have a pretty good grip on Rhyme and Rythm and I like the way you tied the beginning and end together. When you're writing, try to shoot for quality over quantity and meaning over the number of lines. I have a tendency to "overdo it" sometimes and have to go back and weed out lines and/or verses that don't really contribute to the piece. There are probably at least 10 lines that you could filter out of this one and really tie it all together. You can see some of my own at FlickeringHeart.com .

Answer 3

Yeah its really good!!! Nice work... maybe you could improve the rhythm a little bit, but apart from that its really good