Should I stay, or should I go?

Question

I got married in August to my boyfriend of 6 years. Things were really good in the beginning, he told me he wanted to take care of me. He told me I didn't have to work if I didn't want to, and he was serious. I quit my job, and went back to school. About 9 months ago, he quit his job, just out of the blue, and said that his life was going somewhere he didn't like. I respected that. He decided to go on a sabbatical, and I respected that too. When he came back, he seemed better, and he took a job with a non profit environmental group. That's around the time we got married. Then after a month, he quit that too. Now all he does is sit around and smoke pot, with his friends. I just found out I'm pregnant two weeks ago, and I have had to go back to work just to pay all the bills, some of which don't get paid, because he can't be depended on to send it on time, or he snags the money for his pot habit. What do I do? I can't take this anymore. I love him, but this is too much.

I have talked to him, I've talked till I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't make a difference. If I bring it up, he either ignores me, or we get into a nasty fight over it.

Yes, he knows. I told him the day I found out.

Yeah, I do, assmonkey. Do you know who YOUR daddy is?

Answer 1

Talking to him would result in more fights. Try to think things squarely, meaning all angles considered.

First, think about your relationship. Is it repairable? Can counseling help? Try to imagine life with and without him. Is love reason enough to become a martyr? Is separation the answer to the problem?

Second, think about his addiction to pot & your finances. Is the addiction beyond control? Will rehabilitation help? Think about your finances. If you will leave him for good, would you be better off financially? Will this help?

Third, think about yourself. What have you become? What has changed? Is he the reason for these changes? Were the changes beneficial? Did you grow emotionally & spiritually with him? What have you missed after getting married? What have you got that other people are missing? Are you happy? What will make you happy?

Fourth, think about your child. You are pregnant & a continued physical abuse & emotional stress may affect your pregnancy & the development of your child in particular. Is this risk worth taking? Can you manage to go on with life & live as a single parent?

There are more things to think about. But after you think things over, sum everything up. Weigh all options. Balance the odds & evens. Only then YOU decide. YOU have to do it all by yourself. Your happiness, your kid & your future is at stake. Your friends & family can only give advise. YOU have the final word and no one can do this most important decision for you. Pray for wisdom & guidance. Have faith. Sometimes prayers are answered, all you got to do is believe.






I hope this advise will somehow lighten up the dark path you're in and guide you in finding the clear & bright road to happiness.

Answer 2

You've been married for four months.
Your husband doesn't appear to want to work.
You are pregnant.
Your husband smokes pot and is unmotivated.

Yes, this is too much. You need help. Let's take a cold, hard look at this. Something is wrong on your side of this fence. You chose this guy. Time to look at your own shstuff. Forget about him and all his failings. As long as you focus on that, you'll never get any better.

Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You need support along those lines. Get counseling. Improve yourself. Don't focus on your husband and all of his odd behavior.

This will only get worse. You're pretty much wasting your life at this point. You're on a path to nowhere nice. Now ask yourself -- what am I going to do about this?

All I can say is that any time somebody paints a picture like this, there is something very wrong. You're essentially saying that this guy makes all the problems and that you're doing everything right. Sorry, but that's only a portion of the story. You have contributed to this situation.

Your situation is set up perfectly to deliver the same results you are now getting. You don't like those results -- so it's time to do something else.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Please,please talk to him!!!That's the only way.Tell him that the baby is on the way and that u won't be able to work when u are 7-8 months pregnant and that he has to find a good job,if he really loves u.If he doesn't leave him because then,he doesn't love u or he is so weak character,and u don't need that,do u?

Answer 4

People with drug habits often love their drugs more than their spouses or family. Your husband needs to know what your limitations are and if you continue to stand by him all throughout his bad choices, he'll think that what he's doing is okay. I think you should talk to him and give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't clean up, you'll leave him, plain and simple. Since he is a druggie and unemployed, you can file full custody for your child as well.

I had an ex-friend who went through the same thing. She unfortunately wasn't wise enough to stand by her decisions and continues to support her druggie and unemployed husband. She is working full time and is taking care of the child, while continuing to live with her spouse. In the past 3 years she was my friend, she would complain non-stop and continue to hope he would change for the better, but he never did--I hope you won't waste time and make your life and your child's life miserable by continuing to stay if he doesn't clean up. You have to be strong...

Answer 5

we may love someone but it won't give us what we need in life. your expectations of what the marriage was suppose to be just isn't materializing, he shows a clear lack of wanting to be responsible for u or the bills, your right it is too much. pot smoking takes away his motivation to do anything, and will eventually destroy the marrige, as u have a totally different outlook on what u want from life. unless u can get him to agree to go to counciling, your marriage may be doomed. takes more than love to make it in this world.

Answer 6

congrads!!! for starters and for your husband well the only thing i can suggest is tell him that you need some money for the bills and if he doesn't help out then i am really sorry to say this but maybe you should think seriously about leaving him i know that would hurt just to here that but for your health and the babies your options that i can think of are those above even if you just leave him for a couple of weeks just to get things sorted out bill wise and doctors appointments and all

Answer 7

Unfortunately addiction can be much stronger than love sometimes. From the situation you have described I would tend to want to label it that. Maybe its time you made a tuff decision in life for the good of you and the baby. Some guys will respond to threats of leaving and all that but generally even if they do stay they will hold some sort of resentment about it anyways which will play out down the line. I would suggest being open and honest with him about the fears you have of his continued abuse and tell him exactly what has motivated you to do what ever you decide. Best of luck and congratulations on the pregnancy. You can enjoy parenting regardless of his decision to join you. If there is any doubt as to the paternity of the baby, you should consider that before approaching him. Not saying there is, I'm just saying if(this is the new millenium after all and I don't think I know you well enuff to assume anything, good or bad)

Answer 8

Since you are pregnant the unborn child has to be the priority. I don't think you want the child to be born in an environment in which you can't trust the father to pay the bills or in which the father is taking drugs. You should leave and take care of your child. Maybe when he sees he is alone and he has lost his family and he has to take care of himself he will get his act together. In any case you have to protect your child.
Best of luck, dear!

Answer 9

Leave the pot smoking idiot with his friends.
You need to get out of the situation before you have nowhere to go and you end up being more miserable than you are now.

Answer 10

I bet he is in his early 20 am I right ? He wasn't ready for marriage when a man gets married or in his case a boy he feels his life is over. Having sex with one woman the same woman for the rest of his life is unbearable for most men so they remove them self or have affairs or in your case he doesn't care about anything but himself.He looks at you as someone who mess his life up and now that your having his baby well that's just one more nail in his coffin.Your husband just isn't ready to grow up.