is looking at porn on the computer and telling a lie about it cheating?

Question

is looking at porn on the computer and lieing about it, and also going on sex chat sites and cybering with people in our area like 15 miles away is that consiterd cheating

by the way it is my spouse doing it not me

Answer 1

Por n-gazing—whether chronic or casual—can become an explosive issue for a couple, corroding intimacy and demolishing the sexual connection. But reactions to por n can be as varied as human desire itself, and fault is often in the eye of the beholder. For couples who already have sexual conflicts or difficulty trusting each other, por n can play a particularly destructive role. Yet in some situations, Por n material can be a healthy outlet for sexual fantasy, possibly bringing a couple closer together. Even a conflict over por n, handled constructively, can improve a relationship.

I don't know where you got the idea that viewing por n will lead to infidelity or amounts to cheating. Some people think just the opposite, that it fosters fidelity. I don't suppose I need to draw pictures for you, but most men have some kind of interest in por n. It is a fact that the male brain is particularly responsive to and stimulated by visual imagery. Males frequently use visual images as an aid to masturbation. Some people think that any form of viewing por n is cheating or a sign of moral weakness. Many women dislike por n because it objectifies women, but your objections do not seem to arise from such classic feminist concerns others fear they can't compete with the airbrushed perfection of the por n star. And they are "absolutely right," - they can't. But not measuring up to an illusion shouldn't be cause for conflict or worry. What makes the woman in por n so appealing is not her red lips/fake breasts, but the fact that she's "crazy," she's ever ready, always willing to do anything to please a man. No real woman could or would want to be that way. Psychologically healthy men don't have much trouble distinguishing between reality and the weird world of commercial raunch. The trouble emerges, when a person "can't differentiate between fantasy and reality.

Frankly, it doesn't sound as if por n is the real problem, but rather, your fear that that your spouse/lover will be unfaithful. Por n, however, doesn't make men unfaithful; it's most often an aid to solo sex. Are you afraid your spouse/lover will find some other woman more attractive than you? Perhaps you unreasonably see every act of which you are not a part as an act of infidelity.

Why don't you address directly your concern that he might be unfaithful? That is the way good relationships are built -by addressing concerns, not displacing them onto peripheral matters. What you really need is some sense of his actual commitment to you. For that, you need to open your eyes and observe his behavior -- how kind and considerate he is to you, how much of an investment of time he is making in the relationship, indications that he factors the relationship into future plans.

But you could also create a conversation. You would, of course, need to begin any such conversation not with a complaint about viewing por n but with a statement of how much you are growing to like him and tell him that you hope he likes you too.

As for the por n, here's one constructive way to think about it, or any other element in your life -
"Does his interest in po rn ever take precedence over his interest in you or in any way come at the expense of the relationship?" When it begins to substitute for a human relationship, that's when it's time to worry. But until then, forbidding anything only makes it more desirable. Yes, it does reflect insecurity to see his interest in por n as a sign of your lack of desirability.

If you really want to have a good, real relationship with your spouse/lover, you could use his interest in pornographic images as a starting point for a conversation about his sexual fantasies. When two people can conduct that kind of conversation, they have a real intimacy. You might want to know what kinds of things he likes to look at and why -- because he might have sexual interests that could be satisfied in the relationship that are not now being met. That's a very different kind of conversation than one condemning him as sneaky, one that builds trust between two people.

It may be that your spouse has interests that he feels he can't share openly with you, a curiosity about what might be labeled "alternative" or "kinky" sex.
Don't you want to know?
Don't you want an emotionally close relationship where you feel you can confide your thoughts and interests to each other without fear of censure?
No one is saying you have to perform any acts that are distasteful to you. But human sexual interest is extraordinarily diverse, and it's 'Healthiest' when it's openly discussed between two people.
Good Luck>r

Answer 2

No. Lots of guys like porn. Is watching soap operas cheating? Very close to the same thing. Just entertainment. Sexy entertainment.

But the sex chats I am not so keen on. Near of far. A Little too much like actually flirting with someone. I think tha sooner or later a guy will get the idea that one of those gals can really back up the "talk".

And cyber sex!? Well I think we are about to the place where a stand has to be made on that one. And in my book virtual sex is still sex if another person is involved. I would say it is cheating.

Answer 3

If he is chatting on sex sites and looking at porn and then lying about it, you can bet that he is not only having cyber sex but is actually meeting those people off the sex sites. Why do you think he lies about it ??? If all he did was right there, there would be no need to lie, in fact if he told you it might spice up your sex life - but since he is lying, then there is most definitely something going on - how do I know - been there done that.

Answer 4

You already know the answer to the question or you wouldn't have asked. I consider it cheating but maybe I expect more of people than the average person. In general though, if you're doing something you need to keep secret you probably shouldn't be doing it. I think it's cheating because in my relationship we have a clear understanding with each other about what we expect, want and need from each other and it doesn't include Internet porn, cybersex with strangers or lying about anything more than what we're giving each other for Christmas. I would feel hurt and betrayed if my husband was doing it, therefore, If I was the one doing it I would be the one being hurtful and disloyal. And, personally, I don't think there's ever a justification for being unfaithful. If things are so bad in a relationship that one feels the need to cheat, or if a person is so self centered that cheating can be justified, they probably aren't mature enough for a long-term relationship anyway.

Answer 5

Ok, looking at porn and lieing about it is not cheating. But going on sex chat sites and cybering with people, yeah that is cheating in my book.

Answer 6

Would you rather him have an affair with another girl? Porn is an outlet for most guys. The male libido is very powerful, it takes a tremendous amount of self control to abstain from thinking about sex and acting on it. It is estimated that 95% of males masturbate, and the other 5% are lying. I can understand why you and alot of other females think that pornography is wrong. You feel as though that he is being unfaithful in some ways. That is why most guys deny that they watch and masturbate to porn, because they know that there is a sort of stigma associated with it. We men are not turtle doves, and we were not meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives. It goes against are biological needs. Since our society is based on monogomy then porn and masturbation is an outlet for our sexual desires.

Answer 7

well the whole looking at porn and not telling you about it isnt cheating but getting on cyber sites and chatting with other people, in my opinion, it is cheating. if hes getting those cyber sites and talking to other people in a sexual way is a form of cheating even though hes not doing anything physical, in his head hes imagining himself with those people. thats not good.even though theyre 15 miles away , its still wrong. you should seek marriage couseling. or leave him. good luck

Answer 8

Looking at porn isn't cheating, but lying about it is. Too secretive. Talking to people isn't cheating unless it's like "Oh, baby I want to blank, blank, blank you" That's specifically engaging a particular person instead of just talking sex or flirting. 15 miles away is too close because flirting turns into temptation which is too hard to resist only 15 miles away. 6 hours away is better!

Answer 9

Number one, are you married? Number two, I'm more concerned about you feeling you need to lie, than what you are talking about lying about. It seems the look, don't touch rule should apply here. If you are involved with someone, you might think about discussing it with them though, just in case there are insecurity issues there. That way you know whether or not this is ultimately going to explode in your face, which is never pretty.

Answer 10

To me it is...especially if you are there for them and asking ...and they lie about it..
Why lie if they have nothing to hide?
In a relationship especially about sexual intimacy ground rules need to be laid for many times it is the strongest emotional bond you have with each other. Its part of being a couple committed to each other. If you have issues with it and they knew it ..its cheating. If they did not than both of you need to work it out and decide what is good for both of you and the marriage.
I have watch not only myself destroyed by this type of infidelity but many of my friends. The problems arise when you are not exciting enough and the porn takes over....to them they might feel they are making love to you but do you?

Answer 11

looking at porn is not but cybering is...i think so anyway lying about it makes it worse.....does it make you feel bad or mad if it does then it is not good...you should confront i think anyway and get to the bottom of it ....maybe pay a little more attention in that area and he wouldn't do ...i am not saying it is right but i am saying it might be why