Should divorce be an option?

Question

My husband and I have been together since 15 years old (just over 9 years now, married for 2.5). He has really changed since we got married. He has decided he does not ever want children, that he doesn't think God exists, he drinks only to get drunk and wants no responsibility for our 2 dogs because he says he didn't acctually want them in the first place. We used to talk about having kids all the time, we went to church on a regular basis and he was pretty responsible about not drinking before going out. This all seems so unfair to me because he's not the same person I married. I am very much against divorce and don't want to go that route but I find myself almost encouraging him to drink and drive so that maybe he'll get into an accident and either learn from his idiocy or end my marital problems. I feel so confused. I thought about therapy except he's become so self absorbed that he'd never consider it. Should I start looking at divorce?

Answer 1

You must be mentaly exhausted thinking about this everyday. Okay, identifing that you are confused is good. Stay in touch with what you do know and take steps to figure out what you don't know. I too am much against divorce and can relate to your situation and the feelings about cenarious to end your marital problems. The drinking and driving situation is interesting. I was in a simular situation and witnessed my husband as he crashed his motorcycle (rest asure = his fault, even though the fantacy would of tell you otherwise). I realized that when he stumbled to his feet and was okay, I was sad.......Yes, I was disappointed. It was official, he could have died and I could careless. Yep, clear indication that we/I had some problems.

First, have you talked to him.......ask him directly if he will go to consoling? If he says NO to going together, at the least go for YOU. Tell him, "Okay, I heard you and it is clear you don't want me to go but understand you do things that I don't like too, I am still going." At this point I'm sure you barely feel like you feel like you have a pice of your own self left. Consoling should help you get clear on what you are confused about.

Make an appointment and in the mean time make a list of personal attributes you concider to be good and bad. Start with good things about him and realy focus on the those good attributes. Even if its one, focus on that one good point and just document the bad. Try not to think about the bad ones until your appointment. You wrote the bad ones down once. You are probably pretty hurt and pain loves miserry. Therefore it will be is to easy to see the bad in everyting he does right now. Bring that list to the consolur.......DO NOT let him see that list. Again, in the mean time, focuse on those good qualite(s) until you go to consoling. Be advised if he decides to go consoling after you have already gone to even just one session.............use another consoler for the both of you. I guarentee, if you don't he will feel "set up" especialy if you have a female consoler.

So my answer is start looking for a consoler RIGHT NOW. Make that appointment before you even talk to him. Even if the both of you come to an understanding about your situation.........at least you still need to go. Something drove you to this point and you need to know what that is. If you spererate, you wont repeat the cycle again.

Divorce is to easy these days.

Sorry for any spelling errors.........it's late and spell check is not working.

Answer 2

I was in the same boat! I've been with my husband since I was 15 and I've been married for 2-1/2 years. I'm 23 now. I was completely against divorce. Then things in the marriage started to change and I wasn't happy anymore. My husband told me he was going to file for divorce. It scared me and we started seeing a therapist. It is the best thing we could have done. If you both admit your not happy then go see a therapist. I have learned so much and we are doing great. Your marriage can work if you both give it a chance. You are probably still treating each other like you are in high school and you need to learn new ways of thinking so that you can have an adult relationship. I would see if he would try and go to therapy. If he says no then tell him your not happy and you can't live like this and something has to change and that your considering divorce. Good luck and keep your chin up. I know it's a hard place to be in right now. Things always have to get better.

Answer 3

Always an option but it shouldn't be the first option-if you truly loved the person to begin with then you owe the marriage a chance to reconcile. I think it's horrible to stay together simply for the children-especially if you fight and carry on all the time or there is abuse involved-I've seen this destroy many children because that is a worse trauma to go through then any divorce could ever be.

Answer 4

Go to a therapist alone if you have to. If he won't go with you, at least don't let him get you to the point where you are so depressed you don't even like yourself anymore. As for the "fantasy" you mention, please don't forget that the accident you think about MIGHT involve death of innocent people too. At least if you go talk to your pastor or a therapist before you make any decision about ending your marriage, you will know that you did everything possible to preserve your marriage. But at 24 years old, you are entirely too young to spend the rest of your life in the relationshp you describe. You don't mention if there have been factors that might have led to this change in him,. Don't give up talking to him (but talk when he's sober - don't waste your breath when he's drinking). God bless you and good luck.

Answer 5

dint speak up on stuff(accident) go to a religious leader and pray right now you need to cool off OK relaxer i got married at 18 33 now pray i can honestly tell you if you get right with god you wont worry about divorce i didn't been divorced for 8 yares and happy it wasn't as hard as people made it out to be not saying that will be you in our Church of about 20 couples alto have been dddddddddivorced and re married we the wife got saved one was a pimp (about 5 years separated ) other was a wife beater minister now she went to battered women's clinic live there for a year or 2 he was on drugsand all that geto stuff ok one lady turned so many tricks if (saved for about 8 years now remarried for 3)she was on the bus stop by here house people would drive up and say what u doing back out here we herd you were saved she had to change buss routs pray OK pray that's all the awns er you need cause God is able but you got to know him and that 4 yourself i dont have time for detail but trust me youll be ok "--------"

Answer 6

I think a lot of people are too quick divorce, but in your case I think you would be a lot better off without this man. it sounds like he kept his true self a secret from you for a lot of years. he's been living a total lie, and now you're married to someone you don't even know. that's one of the most cruel things I've ever heard of. you deserve happiness. and it sounds like this man isn't willing to participate in in his own marriage, and that is so not right. there's no telling what he'll do next. I am so very sorry for the pain he is causing you, but the sooner you can get away from this man and divorce him, the better off you'll be. for your own sake, get away from him. and fast.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 7

You need to turn to God and ask him. Since you say that you use to attend church. I am assuming you have some faith. This is the one you need to be addressing these questions to. God creates miracles and he can work this all out for you or give you a way out. I am so sorry to hear your husband has had such a dramatic change. It appears from what you are saying he is an alcoholic. God bless****

Answer 8

Yes. There is no reason to spend your life unhappy forever, when you can make a change now, especially if he isn't willing to work with you, ie: counseling, etc. and it will hurt some now, but in a year you will be so much further down the road. Good luck.

Answer 9

Well i would guess that you could get over and beyond divorce a hell of a lot easier than you could get over him dying in a drunk driving crash that you wished on him.....
Sounds like he is rebelling against commitment & responsibility.......
Be ashamed for encouraging anyone to drive when they are drinking !

Answer 10

Get some therapy. If he won't go to therapy with you, go alone. Make sure you are certain that you have tried everything to save the marriage. Once you are satisfied, the decision will be easier.