Why does my jealousy of others make me indecisive about my own life?

Question

It seems like ever since I entered college, I have not stopped being jealous of other people's success. In high school, I was always successful, at the top of my class, a top musician, and constantly sparking jealousy in those around me. I purposely chose to go to a large university to see the real world and to deflate my ego a bit. After entering college, I have gotten so-so grades, stopped practicing music, and cannot pick a major. I used to define myself by my success, and I'm lost without it.

What's worse is now I start trying to copy the success of others, but it isn't working. When I fail, I feel worthless and stupid, and angry at those who succeeded instead of me. I just want to do really well at something like I used to and be comfortable with myself again.

Answer 1

It seems like it's difficult for a lot of people, when they go to college, to deal with the changed "comparison pool." You used to be surrounded by people with a wide range of skills, talents, and interests. Once you select a university and it selects you, the competition (if you want to call it that) gets a lot tighter. Now you're surrounded more or less *only* by people who are highly skilled and talented like you.

This of course doesn't mean you're not highly skilled and talented. It's just that it can be harder to see. The differences between you and others are not as obvious. And the average grade in college is the same as the average grade in high school, only, again, the comparison pool is totally narrowed. There are kids at Harvard getting Cs and you can bet that they *did not* get Cs in high school.


I think it's great that you decided to challenge yourself and throw yourself into a university life that you knew would make you, as you say, "face the real world."

Be careful when you're comparing yourself to other people. It might well be the case that there is always someone who can do just as well as you at some particular thing. But don't pool together the strengths of *everyone* you know and try to compete with that. Probably you are meeting people who are better than you at this or that, but I doubt that there's one person who's better at everything.

So: Try to get past the competitive feeling. (Easier said than done.) And try to think of all of these interesting people that you're meeting as just that: Interesting people who are worth meeting, who you might be able to learn from, and who are (trust me) undoubtedly learning from you, too.

Something I found helpful during a long stint in graduate school: Shifting my thinking from "Am I successful?" to asking myself, "Did I learn something?" If you make learning, and not success the goal, you might find that your experiences are more rewarding. And: Learning hurts sometimes. That's part of the deal. It hurts your brain to think hard and it hurts your ego from time to time.

So try to worry about whether you're learning from what you're doing. And try to worry about whether you're enjoying what you're doing. In the end these questions will serve you far better--help you plan out a happier life--than if you keep asking, "Am I the best?"

One last thing: There's a point of smartness and talent after which the differences aren't all that important. The people who succeed are the ones who keep showing up and putting in their time. I've seen this again and again: Totally brilliant people getting caught up in existential angst, and others who on the face of it aren't *quite* as bright, but manage to succeed because they don't waste their time feeling stupid or inadequate or wondering if they're the best. Of course some of the brilliant people succeed too, but they too do better without the sorts of worries that you're expressing. So, from a practical point-of-view, you're just better off trying to get the focus away from how you stack up next to other people.

I hope that this helps.

Answer 2

Let's start with your idea of who you are. Become your own best friend. You are really the best person you know. You are the greatest, most wonderful, finest, etc. Learn to love yourself in the sense that you can accept yourself, know you will ALWAYS do the best you can, and that you are comfortable "in your own skin". Now, if you can learn to love yourself, then you don't compare yourself with others. There really is no reason to make comparisons. After all, you have your life to live and they have theirs. If another is "better" than you in some field, you're probably better than they in another field. So if you compare musical ability, what about linguistics, or history or English lit or whatever? You have never "failed". You have always done your best. Certainly this world grades you in comparison with others. But the truth is, nobody grades you. You always do the best you can. you always learn, you always grow. Your entire life. You are not a musician, a doctor, a lawyer, an Indian chief...you are you. Honor yourself, celebrate yourself. In your universe, you are the most important person. If you honor yourself and accept yourself, you will have no troubles dealing with others. They all have their own issues (as do you) but don't make their issues your issues. And, good luck.

Answer 3

Jealousy is a dysfunctional motivation.
When you discover a worth while reason, it will be viable and your life will progress . . .
Jealousy is just a place of dirty muck where you spin your wheels going nowhere fast.
Copy others ? Not succeeding ? Duhhhhh, you are in college and you think that is a path to success ?
Get over competition and choose a path because you like it , NOT because someone else was successful in it .
Jealousy and copying is a guaranteed path to failure .

Answer 4

Try and do things that you enjoy and take the classes you are interested in. Don't stress yourself out about being "the best." If you do things that you enjoy you'll feel like you have succeded. You shouldn't measure your success by what others around you do.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like you were overfocusing on yourself in high school and now you're underfocusing. Try to find a middle ground. There are always going to be people who are more talented and accomplished, and people who are less talented and accomplished than you.

Answer 6

you could not stay away from them. they have reason adequate to be there. this is evaluation this is bringing you down. existence isn't honest, this is only is so. Accepting it truly is a huge step ahead. besides: you should strengthen on your human being foundations, and by no skill on others' And believe me: your foundations are very, very wealthy in case you stop obliging your self to look faraway from them. enable them be, enable them help you.