Just to clarify: Should I give him another chance?

Question

My husband moved out 10 months ago. He said that it was because we were not getting along. We have been married 9 years and up until the seventh year, things were pretty good. Anyway, shortly after he moved, I hear that he is seeing a woman that we both know from the neighborhood, a "gay divorcee" if you know what I mean. We have three kids, 2, 5 and 8.
Up until a month ago he said that I was not very nice to him and that is why he was not moving back. Was I supposed to be nice to him under these circumstances? Anyway, I don't know what has gotten into him (my behavior and attitude have not changed) but a week ago, he said that he wants to put his family back together, that he has dumped the woman and he wants to go to counseling. I don't know that I can take him back. Older freinds and family (and strangers) say that all men do this, it is a midlife crisis. Any advice here?

Answer 1

If you refused to try and fix your relationship through counselling and other means, i think there's a chance you might regret this decision down the line because of your family.

However, self respect is a really vital issue here. Dr Phil (and other wise men) always say that you teach someone how to treat you. If he finds that he's allowed to move out, have a fling with the gay divorcee, then decide it's time to come to his senses and have his family back - and you simply have him back - then that's teaching him that it's ok to treat you that way. There have been no serious repurcussions so - who knows - he might even give it another whirl 3 or 4 years down the line.

If you still love him and believe there could be life left in your marriage, then you need to make him work hard to have things restored to the way they were. He needs to hear that he has to regain your trust and has to show you through his actions that things will be different. I would go to counselling with him, but I certainly wouldn't let him move back in straight away. A month or two (or 3) of counselling whilst living apart might help you both see things more clearly - and will certainly make him miss and appreciate his family more.

His fling doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of your marriage - but it does mean he doesn't get to simply change his mind and move back in.

All the best to you.

Answer 2

You didn't say how old he is but I am guessing that you are both in your 30's. To get back together again? It rather depends upon what you want. Let me give you some things to think about:

Such as "What is marriage? It for sure is respect, admiration, passion and trust. Where do you stand on those with him??? If he betrayed you, there goes the trust, and betrayal is the only real deal-breaker in a marriage, and even with 2 years counselling, and both hoping to save the marriage, trust is slow to heal, and maybe it never does. In your place I would't consider a reconciliation unless you and he agreed to some counseling -- what ever drove you apart is still there, and that has to be resolved before your marriage can go forward. Life is just tooooo short to not be in a nice marriage -- a marriage where there are a whole lot of lovies, kindesses, compassion, sorting out problems without rage, being each other's best friend, time spent together away from the kids to renew your bond, and having some ground rules on how to discuss inevitable differences. It appears neither of you know how to do it, and counselling will sure help. So, each of you have some decisions to make -- Is it worth two years to patch things up? Can you/he ever again admire each other, and respect each other, and get a better attitude going for your relationship????

Good luck sweetie -- never easy items to decide.

Answer 3

he wants to come home because things are not what he expected with the gay divorcee, but if u truly love him, and he wants to go to counseling, than he does know that there is a problem within himself. men can come up with all kinds of reasons why they cheat, but in reality it has to do with their thought process, their self worth, and what's in their character. no all men do not do this, and trust once broken is hard to get back. personally had i went back to my ex, i do not believe that i could have moved past the fact that he did chose someone else over me, and i never would have felt the way i once felt about him, so i chose divorce, just didn't want to deal with more hurt, or cheating behind my back. now 3 years later you know what, i am grateful he left, grateful for the life i have now, that i would not have had if i had reconciled. at first i was quite devastated, but now i can see that taking him back would not have changed a thing, as once you are betrayed, the feeling is gone and can never be recaptured.think as one Gaines their self respect back and self worth, they begin to see the truth, and that one should never take someone back who has picked someone over u.

Answer 4

although it is very hard to advice someone to end a marriage with kids, but i think you and your kids deserve better than a man who would leave for meaningless reasons and start acting like a teenager without any maturity or morals, if this marriage and family meant anything to him he wouldn`t be dating while he is still there and come back when the love affair is over.
no not all men do this, i`m sure alot of them do , but these are the ones that we can easily live without, and i do believe that your kids life without a father is much better than with such a bad example.
go on with your life and look for someone who respects you as you should be respected and let your teenager husband go live the life he deserve because you and your family are way too good for him.

Answer 5

I think you need to take a closer look at this,because I do not think you want some one who uses any stupid reason to go and have a fling with any one , then expect you to take him no questions asked, this was not a mistake on his part it was deliberate, and planned, until he can come up with some thing better than you not being nice, and him teaching you a lesson. I would really consider what you want and need, in order to make a decision that may affect you and your children for life

Answer 6

It's called a "7 year itch" Alot of marriages go through it and have problems. Some can get through it, Alot don't. Mine didn't. But not for lack of trying. I encourage you to give it another try, Cause if you don't you may regret it later. Give your family another chance and see if you can make it. Your kids at least deserve you guys trying. If after some time passes and 1 or both of you are not happy then end it.

GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 7

You have to do what feels right for you. It does sound like he has had a bit of a crisis but that does not excuse the way he has behaved. The question is do you still love him? If so you give take him back, if not get rid

Answer 8

Not all men do this. I don't think so. Just because your marriage sucks, it does'nt give you the right to judge all men. There is a reason why your husband moved out. So, you should believe it when he says it. Maybe you need to change & be forgiven too. You should decide this on your own rather than relying on others to decide for you.

Answer 9

wow it took him this long to actually figure out that being with you is the right choice...hm...and now he wants his family back again...welll all i can say is that if you can forgive him then just give him a chance but if you think that he won't make a differences because you survived perfectly fine without him the whole time he left you then don't get back with him.

Answer 10

I'm not trying to preach to you. But if you really want the right answer, pray about it. I mean pray from your heart to God about this. I know it could be a hard thing to do. But forgiveness is needed. Marriage is ordained by God. He knows the best answer for your marriage. I'm talking from experiences. I've learn to trust him with my marriage.