I have been having serious unhappiness in my marriage. My husband and I are just on completely different pages. We have been married for 6 years and have 2 children. I would stay for the kids but I have the overwhelming saddness that I can't push away. I do not want to be with him anymore. I do not love him and I am not sure I ever truly did. My problem is that I am a Christian and a mother. Which re true very strong reasons why I should not get divorced. If I stay with him- is there anyway I can make myself be happy. How do people do it? I want to be happy and I feel that I am dying inside. I know I am being selfish but I just can't help it. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life.
How can I make myself love someone?
2006-12-15 08:00:19 · 28 answers · asked by momof2 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Unless he has been unfaithful or abusive, I would not recommend divorce.
I've been married for 29 years now and like you I was "unhappy" on several occasions that seemed to drag on for ever. I too questioned should I divorce her. I chose to stick it out and I am glad I did. We have a wonderful marriage.
All relationships run in seasons, some warm and wonderful and some seasons are like winter..cold and dreary. Nice thing about winter is knowing that spring is right around the corner!
Relationships also take "WORK" you have to maintain a relationship. Between kids, the bills...and the job.... make time for just the two of you. Go on a date... even if it is just to Burger King. Don't wait for him to take the lead... get a sitter and go. My wife and I took a weekend away once or twice a year.
I also highly recommend is a Christian Marriage Builders class. Get in one you will be amassed at what it can do for both of you.
And most important of all is "Prayer" get real with God... talk to him, tell him everything that's on your heart. He already knows.. so why hide your true feelings from Him. Forget about the canned prayers. Use your own words.. have hart to hart conversation with God. Pray on all occasions... hour by hour...day by day! Make prayer a habit
2006-12-15 08:25:59 · answer #1 · answered by Friend 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Get counseling and get it now. Go to a good marriage counselor and make sure it is someone you feel comfortable talking to. It would be nice if he went with you but if he won't then go by yourself. You cannot stay in a loveless marriage for the children's sake. What would you be teaching your children? Do you really think that your children will be happy if your not? They already sense that something is not right. How would you like to be a child living in your home? Bet you could cut the tension with a knife. Get some help and get it now. Just because your a Christian doesn't mean you have to stay in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life. God helps those who help themselves and he would not want people to be unhappy. Only you can change your life.
2006-12-15 08:11:11 · answer #2 · answered by sunny 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you can make yourself love somebody.
Happiness, though, is more of an internal state than anything. If you cannot be happy with him because you do not love him, what makes you think you can be happy alone or with somebody else?
I am more concerned about your kids, myself. Dovorce can be hard on the kids, but then again... so can having two parents that are openly hostile to one another (I hope that is not the case).
There are probably some concrete reasons you no longer love your husband: he's no longer a challenge, so you don't find him interesting, he's not affectionate or has a bad attitude all of the time, he's not taking care of his appearance or the confident male you married, he lacks integrity or does not respect you.
All of those things make up the whole person you fell in love with, and over time when your relationship needs aren't met, this leads to resentment. The thing that makes it more complicated is that men need all those things in a relationship too, so if you've become too needy, nagging and pessimistic, unaffectionate, lack integrity and do not respect him, he's probably got his own bag of resentment to deal with.
Relationships can be hard. They can be impossible if you don't constantly remind yourself what it takes to make a relationship work and aren't flexible enough to know that ocassionally your partner will fall short of the ideal.
I have a lot of past experience in failing in all sorts of relationships, and I hate to hear somebody else going through it now.
2006-12-15 08:11:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You sound like me 10 years ago. I thought the same thing as a Christian. I remember praying and praying for God to give me a way out of my marriage. He began changing me and showing me He was not keeping me there. The rules in the Bible were made for the people of that time. God completely understands your heart and being the God of Love and Life He would not want you to feel as if you are dying inside. There was probably a reason aside from loving your husband that you got married to him for. I eventually did leave my husband, but as soon as I did God opened the door for the man He intended for me to be married to. I did feel like I was dying inside and I truly was. God has a plan for all of our relationships and some are meant to come and go. It does not make you a lesser lover of God because you see there is no life, no bond to God through your current marriage. It will make you a stronger woman to choose God over an idea of marriage. It took years before I was able to change. I wished I had someone who had a more loving impression of God to talk to back then. It would have made all the difference. I went to a revival in 1999 and the preacher talked about bad marriages and how God did not ever intend for us to stay in unhappiness and that how in the new year 2000 there would be a lot of people that God would sever their marriages in order to put them where He needed them to be. He looked right at my ex and I and said when you go home you will not go back to the same marriage. He was right. We divorced months later and I remarried within a few months after that and I've never been happier. If you're brave enough to learn new things about God that the Church pushes away email me. nalaniaaminah@yahoo.com. Your decision to move on does not mean you do not love it means you hear God when He is saying move on!
2006-12-15 08:30:26 · answer #4 · answered by Love to Love 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Divorce may not be the answer. It seems to me that you are going thru some type of depression. It sounds more like you are sad with yourself and not your husband. Try to express these feelings to your husband. Make sure you are being totally honest and clear with him about how you are feeling. Being a christian has nothing to do with divorce. You need to be happy. If you are not happy then everyone, including the kids, will be unhappy also. Since you are a christian, start with prayer first.
2006-12-15 08:17:04 · answer #5 · answered by daprty1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are approaching the wall. The Seven Year Itch. The magic word here is COMMUNICATION. Not just with your husband, but with yourself as well. Do not justify feelings you seem to have. Instead try to devote that effort into recalling why you married him in the first place. As I've said before, change and growth are a part of life and that part is much more enjoyable when you share it with someone. Have you asked your husband if he was happy? Do you know where his heart is? A marriage, when it works, really is one of the greatest things in the world. If there's trouble, confront the problem together. Fight! WIN! It will be worth it.
2006-12-15 08:12:58 · answer #6 · answered by rtanys 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Trust me, divorce is no picnic. You'll still have to deal with him after the divorce, too so he'll never be out of your life completely. My suggestion is that the two of you go to a really good counselor. Explore all this stuff together. Maybe there are other reasons you are unhappy that can be resolved, maybe not. At least you'll know you tried and will be more confident in your decision. It's the fair thing to do, for your husband, your kids and yourself.
2006-12-15 08:09:07 · answer #7 · answered by real_kiss_fan 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should do what makes you happy. Ask yourself are you sure if divorce will make you happy. On the other hand you say you are sad all the time. Could it be that you have clinical depression? If you do it confuses you as to what you really want and all aspects of your life. Be it work family relation ships. Try some counseling first maybe see your doctor to see if you have depression, if you do get yourself out of the depression before you make any decisions like this.
2006-12-15 08:11:13 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you are in a position when the crucial question needs to be asked...To be or not to be. You say that you are not in love with your husband...but after all you did stay with him 6 years...you have kids, OK...but I don't believe that they were the reasons you didn't get divorced....you are a christian, this isn't a really convincing CZ every religion tends to have just one marriage with one person and yet we are witness of a lot of divorces.
It seems that you are having a really stress full time...but still you don't know what to do...you don't take actions....you are not getting divorced...but you don't make something to improve your relations with your man. I believe it is time to do something....Just calculate the good and the bad things in your marriage...and then make a decision...
Whatever you do just trust yourself....you are not the only one that keeps a bad marriage...nor the only one that wants te bo free...each of these decisions have consequences....just don't forget the kids too...they need to know what their mama is trying to solve.
good luck in finding a solution.
2006-12-15 08:10:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
is your husband happy, or does he feel the same?
does he know that you arent happy?
its common around 5-10 years, that the relationship between the husband and wife separate because of the children.
you need to see a counselor, and find things that make you happy until you make the decision.
the divorce rates among christians and other people is basically the same, from what i understand, so you are not alone.
2006-12-15 08:27:13 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋