Question for couples... lack of passion in long-term relationships...?

Question

I have been with my spouse for 9 years now... and we have never really matched up sexually. Our timing always seems to be off and we go weeks, sometimes months, without sexual contact. We get along well, generally. but I can't help but feel we're more like friends than partners. I know that passion fades, somewhat, the longer you're with someone... but is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this? Is there hope?

I know that some people will suggest "mixing it up" or "adding some spice" to the relationship. but how do you do so when the person feels more like your brother than your husband and that's the last thing on your mind?

We have children... so just leaving is not really an option.

Answer 1

Why did you fall in love in the first place? Keep in mind that you SHOULD be married to your best friend.. that's how it's supposed to be. Communication is quintessential... Talk about it with him... if your friends, you should be able to say what you need to in a way that doesn't shut him down. Examine other possibilities... "Spice" isn't always the answer... but it's proven to work most of the time... Mostly, you need to avoid boredom... That is the thing that will end up killing you. Try new things, I guess, but be open with eachother... set goals... see a counseler if you must! But for the sake of your children... don't merely "endure." Find out What needs to be done, and do it! It's your own responsibility to correct what you see as a problem... and ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness. Good luck! It is possible! It just takes work... but something tells me you know that already, and you just needed encouragement.

Answer 2

I have been married for 15 years and am really happy, but I have had the same problem that you are having at about the same time. We even separated for a while. Now, I think that I was foolish then. What we have is great. Passion is always a constant struggle. I work as hard as I can to inject more into the relationship, lots of fantasy, etc. We still argue some about it. I often feel that my spouse does not put as much effort into keeping things interesting and I can resent it on occasion. The only thing I can tell you that you don't already know is that I figured out that some of it comes from me. In other words, if I sit around thinking about how much better it could be, then I end up being more unhappy. Instead, I try to concentrate on seeing my spouse in a more sexually appealing light. I consciously try to fantasize about HER even when we are apart. I try to come up with various things that I think are sexy about HER. Accentuate the positive if you will. The result of this for me is great. It increases MY happiness ten fold. Don't know if this sort of thing will work for you, but there it is.

Answer 3

You need to go back to the beginning. What turned you on about him in the first place?? Why did you marry him??
My husband and I have never been sexaully compatable, either.
But he said something to me that changed the way I dealt w/ his need for frequent sex. He said, "Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do." Now, I'm not saying that you should be his little "play thing" and just do whatever, whenever. But we have to realize that men have a physical need for sex. Women's need is emotional. How do you get him to make you want to have sex?? You start by making him feel good. You do the things for him that you know will turn him on. Whether it's greeting him at the front door, naked w/ a smile on your face while the kids are away or blindfolding his eyes while you caress him w/ a feather. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you put forth an effort. Once you see how much your actions are paying off and how happy he is, you will feel more inclined to do these things more often. If he feels very distant from you right now, it will show him that you are interested in him and that you do want to be there in that way for him. And hopefully, he will begin to do things for you. Tell him what turns you on. Is it a backrub?? Is it when he does the dishes?? Whatever it is, tell him. You must communicate.
We have to constantly be changing and creating ways that we make love to our spouses. All too often, the men take the easy way out and give up. Women have to keep trying and find what works for her relationship.
I hope this helps!!
Good luck!
Happy Holidays!

Answer 4

Love isnt supposed to fade. My marriage has grown MUCH stronger. Being friends is the building block. Without friendship marriage has no foundation. Im not sure this is purely a sex issue but just that the love isnt what it should be or used to be.
Well, HAVE you tried spicing it up? Do something spontaneous. When he gets home,already have your kids at the sitters and be in an apron with heels and have his favorite meal cooked and some wine. Small portion,you wont be eating. tell him he's going to be your king tonight. The way he looks at you should be enough to get you in the mood. The sex will be better,too.

Answer 5

My wife of 20 years is my best friend,my partner,my boss,my employee,my confidant,my girlfriend,my lover,my pain in the @ss,and so on and so on.We go through a never ending cycle from almost daily sex to maybe once a week.Sometimes each cycle lasting a few weeks or even a few months. We just try to be honest with each other a handle it as it comes. Worse case you can wait to the kids are grown and then go get you someone else.

Answer 6

You need to remember the feelings that you had when you were dating. Kids and work and just keeping the home running can make you forget what it felt like when your husband took you out on a date. If it's in your budget , plan a week long vacation to Bermuda, without the kids. The warm water , pink sand beaches will create the right mood.

To bring the romance back .

Answer 7

Its pretty normal, but you are lucky really, so many couples are all about passion and when that fades the relationship ends, coz they dont get along at all, at least you guys are still mates! Me and my husband go through stages, for a few months we wont even bother, but then we will be okay again after that.
If you really need satisfaction buy a vibrator or something they work too!

Answer 8

yes this is perfectly normal...the reason why you both weren't the way you were before was because the relationship wasn't staple. And now you both have kids to take care...obviously things are different because you have so much more to do and plan for your child's future. When things seems to be normal it's boring but that's life...at least your not going through a divorce or an affair. Look you have gone this far...just be thankful.

Answer 9

think when u base it all on conditions, or passion that u are missing the whole picture. when we base our love on changeable things, our feelings will grow colder and colder, until we wonder if we ever even liked the person at all. genuine love gives to others, genuine love has no conditions, just may be a lack of maturity, a desire to use others for what u want. have u tried therapy, have u spoken to him at all about how u feel? don't leave unless u are dealing with a cheater or an abuser, good men are hard to find, if u got one be thankful. your love should not be based on just the physical part of it. has to do with what u tell yourself about the relationship, the problem lies within u, maybe u just don't find him attractive anymore.

Answer 10

Passion is profoundly important in any relationship. A relationship needs to have the 100% commitment of both parties. True passion is something that you feel deep inside. When it's there you will know it. Both parties will feel it.