I am wanting marriage but he isn't. What do I do?

Question

Me and my guy have been together for almost a year now and i am almost 21 and he is 21 and we both want marriage and kids. He keeps saying he wants all this now but then he goes back on what he says and says that he just isn't ready for marriage yet because there are a few things he hasn't done in his life that he would like to do. It is just I am done with college settled into a good job for now and am ready to start a family and he is wanting to wait another 3 years at least before marriage. What could I do to maybe move that up some or maybe make him feel more confortable about the subject. I think alot of it has to do with peer pressure with his family. His family keeps telling him not to get married yet because of his age and wait. Yes I know family does mean a lot to him but he also has to go with his gut. Gosh I am so confused on this subject.

Answer 1

If you think you're ready for marriage with him and he's not, then maybe he is politely telling you he's not ready for marriage with you. I would move on. Start seeing other people. You can still date him just not exclusively. Who knows maybe then he'll come around.

Answer 2

Take the pressure off. You are a bit young.... marriage and family are big steps, and the harder you push, the more he will withdraw. A year isn't very long, and kids are a big committment. You and he can remain fiercely loyal, and not marry. If in two years you still feel the same, you each should have some college under your belt, and be better prepared to afford a family. And, hon, don't forget to get training in something. As my mom always say, "always be able to support your self in the style you would like.... a marriage certificate isn't a life-long meal ticket..." ----oooohhhhh how right she was... Good advise. And good luck, hon

Answer 3

There's nothing you can do to change his mind - he isn't ready. You're both young - you should wait. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't you want to marry a man that would give his right arm to have you? You say he has to go with his gut - I think it's pretty clear that he is. You have tons of time to marry and start a family. I suggest you get somewhere in your career, and perhaps travel before you have a family - it will tie you down. As someone who married and started a family young - trust me - there's a ton of stuff you could be doing now to better your present life - stop dwelling on the marriage/kids thing - good things come to those who wait!

Answer 4

When I was your age I thought 21 was a good age to get married but now I think I should have waited until i was a least 25. If two people are in LOVE, nothing should stand in the way of a lifetime commitment. But if one of them is sure one day and unsure the next, then fear has over-ruled love.In the next three years you could meet the person who doesn't want to lose a moment of being with you, you could decide you want to get a masters degree, you might vacation overseas and decide you want to live somewhere else.
As for him, he may be thinking the same thin or as MOM always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!"

Answer 5

What is your hurry? You are still very young, and waiting until you are 24 or 25 to start a family probably is a very good idea.

You say that you love him and want to marry him. If that is true you will still love him in 3 years. I know it seems like a long time, but it really isn't. It will give you more time to establish your relationship with him, and allow you to become more comfortable in your career and your future.

Just relax! Don't pressure him, or you may lose him. Try to be understanding of his feelings and don't take it as a personal insult that he wants to wait. Marriage is all about compromise - that is something you should start right now!

Good luck!

Answer 6

I was in a similar situation. I got together with my boyfriend when I was 19 and he was 23. I was ready to commit to marriage almost right away (young and passionately in love)... and he was more weary of jumping into anything so serious so quickly. This caused resentment on my part... but I stayed... I ended up agreeing to move in with him. When we did that... I was expecting a proposal in a relatively short amount of time... but when 2 years passed with no ring... I felt bitter, angry, resentful and "not good enough"... which caused big issues. We are still together (9 years later!) but I still feel resentful at times.

You have to decide if you're willing to wait. If so... I would advise you NOT move in with him. And go about your own life... seeing him like you would if you were dating. Don't play house and expect it to progress into marriage... because it oftentimes doesn't. It slows your progress.

You both are young. Perhaps, if you love him, you should give him some time until he feels ready (give yourself a set amount of time you're willing to wait... i.e. 2 years... and then you're gone, but don't tell him he has a time limit... it will only make him feel pressured)... and if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

A question I would ask is, what kinds of things that he "hasn't done" would marriage prevent him to do? The answer is, only the kinds of things that any serious committed relationship would prevent him from doing. If he does not consider your relationship serious or committed, you deserve to know it. I bet it has nothing to do with "things he hasn't done", but everything to do with the fact that the first "rush" is over, things are not as exciting now as they were in the beginning of the relationship, and he's interpreting this slight declne in intensity as a sign that he may not be as interested in this relationship as he once thought. Perhaps he hasn't had much relationship experience - it wouldn't surprise me if this was the case at his age. Once you've gone through these "stages" once or twice, you learn to interpret the events and your reactions to them more accurately. You guys are both still learning what relationships are about... perhaps it would be wise to wait, and not push the issue? You have plenty of time to be flexible in this. If within a year - year and a half it doesn't seem like things have gone further - consider looking elsewhere; but a year is not really that long, especially at your age, to be in a great big hurry.

(It took me about 3 months to figure out I wanted to marry my husband... But another year has passed before we got engaged, and then got married. And we're in our 30s, if anyone was running out of time it would be us!)

Answer 8

I would guess you guys are sleeping together right? good luck getting this guy to ever commit. By the time 3 yrs is gone by he'll be with someone other honey so he does'n have to commit there either. I am amazed at young womens behavior today. As a young man I can tell you (and I dont care what he says) if your screwing around with him he has less respect for you than he will for the next girl.

You should wait. You are both too young to get married. But waiting mean not commiting serial managomy (look it up). Waiting means waiting to have the relationship, once you get started down that road with someone this is how it will end up everytime. If you had waited to have a relationship like this in the first place than you would'nt have a broken heart when it ended either.

Answer 9

You're only 21. Wait a couple of years before getting married to anyone. If he doesn't want to get married, then don't try to force him. You'll be on here in a couple of years writing about how bad your marriage is.

Answer 10

If you think this guy is "the one" then wait til he's ready. It'll only be a couple more years, and you're only 21, there's plenty of time for marriage and babies! If you rush him, you'll only push him away!