My husband moved out 10 months ago. He said that it was because we were not getting along. We have been married 9 years and up until the seventh year, things were pretty good. Anyway, shortly after he moved, I hear that he is seeing a woman that we both know from the neighborhood, a "gay divorcee" if you know what I mean. We have three kids, 2, 5 and 8.
Up until a month ago he said that I was not very nice to him and that is why he was not moving back. Was I supposed to be nice to him under these circumstances? Anyway, I don't know what has gotten into him but a week ago, he said that he wants to put his family back together, that he has dumped the woman and he wants to go to counseling. I don't know that I can take him back. Older freinds and family (and strangers) say that all men do this, it is a midlife crisis. Any advice here?
2006-12-15 07:17:42 · 18 answers · asked by lisa p 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Follow your heart. I would advise going to counseling. Perhaps you can regain what you had during those first years of your marriage. Remember, "HE" wants to go to counseling, so that is a good sign.
2006-12-15 07:21:02 · answer #1 · answered by HowdyThere 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I may not have as much experience as you but I have seen a lot happen. What he did was wrong. No matter how many fingers point, how many tears you cry, how many curse words you spur you won't beable to change the fact that he did what he did. Men get scared, they run away. You did not do ANYTHING wrong. It is NOT your fault! It is HIS FAULT! he messed things up, but he won't see thigns that way. He will say you were mean etc. try to justify his actions which is just what people do. You know inside he is wrong that's all that counts. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to give, specially in a circumstance like yours. Wouldn't it be good to TRY to make it work!? Most people will be stubborn and tell you to forget it. But you have 3 kids and you have been together 9 years. Can you really throw away 9 years of effort of both sides away over this? yes you can. And it is purley your decision. BUt guys get tempted and cheat. Even presidents have history of having affairs people do what they want. Counseling would probably help and if he is putting an effort to make things work maybe you could look aside what he did even though he DID make a mistake and IS wrong, but the kids will be much happier and you will always wonder what your family would be like if you would have given it another shot and you didn't. I'm not saying run back to him with acceptance, what i'm saying is give him a second chance, if he messes up again then forget him. Everyone makes mistakes, some more horrible than others but life goes on regardless. Good luck! hope I helped!
2006-12-15 07:25:18 · answer #2 · answered by LIZ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it is not true that all men go through a midlife crisis. This was an old wives tale to explain men running away from their marital problems.
There is a thing called the Seven Year Itch. After seven years of marriage some couples experience a rut that becomes boring. Sometimes one or both parties may stray. Usually this is a way of not dealing with the problem of the rut.
It sounds like your husband is coming back after his time away and wants to rekindle your marriage. Personally, I would tell him that it is over, but I believe that once the trust is lost so is the marriage.
Take care,
Troy
2006-12-15 07:40:28 · answer #3 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the gay divorcee dumped him and he's needing a place to crash. I don't know if you think you can ever trust him or want to be with him again, but if you want to try, make sure you both get into counseling together and separately. All men don't do this. Some are mature. Your husband doesn't sound like he's grown up yet.
2006-12-15 07:53:15 · answer #4 · answered by missingora 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry for what youo've been through...there are no clear-cut answers in these situations. I don't know what the real "feel" was of your marriage---maybe it wasn't really good for either of you. Surely, if he looked elsewhere to being with, there were things that were not right, no matter whose fault they were.
I think you should agree to go to counseling with him, for two reasons: 1) you have children and are invested in the relationship, so if it can be saved, then it's worth trying; and 2) in the counseling, you will get validation of what happened, your feelings, and even if it can't be fixed, some closure, which you'll need. it can't hurt to talk it out....and for you to have your say as well. I wish you the best...think carefully if you really love this man and are willing to do the work if he asks.
2006-12-15 07:30:28 · answer #5 · answered by hot_italian_empress 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't sound very dependable, he should have gone to get counseling before he turned his family upside down by moving out. I don't know what I would do. I would tell him lets go to counseling for a few months and then see about moving back in. You don't have to roll over and just let him back in on his terms. He left his wife and three small kids. I would think about it and tell him, you are not sure because you are really hurt.
2006-12-15 07:47:49 · answer #6 · answered by Maizy * 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that is a very difficult situation. I would love to see a family be brought back together, but then again it kind of scares me. If a guy does it once they will do it again. I don't know if I want to take him back. I guess if I were you I would and see how it goes and if the situation doesn't get any better then just explain to him what is going on and move on to someone that actually does care about you.
2006-12-15 07:24:05 · answer #7 · answered by superchick 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All men do not do this. Many men do. I think you should see a counselor for yourself first before you make the decision. Can you live with this? If you can, go for it. This has to be your decision and no one else. He will be nice in the beginning. Will that last? He already blames you for not being nice to him. If you talk with a counselor or pastor he/she will be able to help you with your self esteem that is most certainly affected by this. Let me to strongly encourage you to see that your children get counseling too. No matter what your decision is, your kids need to have an objective professional to help them cope. If you do nothing else, please do this for your kids. I wish you the best.
2006-12-15 07:34:36 · answer #8 · answered by jan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you still love him then I say go for it, not to many men would offer to go to counseling.People sometimes think the grass is greener on the other side until they cross the street and see that it is not. Start the new year right and give him a chance you never know life is too short.
2006-12-15 07:23:20 · answer #9 · answered by imacutie2 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should give him another chance because throughout marriages even relationships you are going to go through trials and tribulations. Give him another chance to put his family back together and if you really do love to see you family together for the best interest of your kids then you would give him another chance.
P.S
Stay strong and do your best to keep your family together.
2006-12-15 07:50:41 · answer #10 · answered by brandon's gal 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋