Advice Please!! Very unhappy. What can i do??

Question

I am English, married to a Hungarian, we have many differences, but we do try to compromise. I have my own friends and he has his, he likes me to visit withhim when we go to see his friends, there is nothing wrong with them so b4 u get into the uk pple are stuck up forget it, i just don't feel right when i am there, i am a rough & ready type and when i am in their houses which are so clean, big tables for dining, nothing wrong with that (i am used to eating with a tray) i feel really not right & am reluctant to go, its so bad i get panic attacks sometimes, i have told my husband this but i still go as they get very upset & offended and they become distant with him, in 1 scenario they wouldn't speak for a long time to him when he told them i feel so i go and suffer & sit there but i do it just for him & to keep everyone happy so they will stay friendly with him, i do this because he has lost lots of his yugoslav friends already because of me, so i feel i owe him this to visit Pls advise

I also get panicky when they come to visit us, yea yea i know i have a problem but i just don't feel right with them, i get tense & feel sick, i only met his friends briefly b4 we got married so pls no answers saying well did u know this b4 u got married.
We are all so different & i feel i have to be somebody i am not when i am with them, i get mentally fatigued and i feel so miserable after the visits.
Incidentally i have plenty of friends and i relate well to them, i have friends of 30 years so i don't have a problem with people in general, just this level of discomfort is high, i spill drinks when i am at their tables all over their white cloths, i make a mess with food because i am so nervous.

My husband explains that in his country when couples visit they always go together, in uk we don't do that, if th ehusband wants to see his mates then of fhe will go, he would not expect that his wife would come with him, i am sure the mates would get pissed off and its the same for the wife in uk, we don't want husbands hanging around but back in Yugoslav, it is expected that the married couple will visit couples together, if it doesnt happen it causes upset, so i guess i will just have to plod on with this, maybe sedate myself or have a few drinks before, it wont be the first time i have had to be tipsy to visit or to see them.

truj, what are u on? Cheated with another, wtf u talking about? They do speak English in front of me when we are together so that side of it is ok, when he talks on the phone though he talks in his own language.

Nope ourja, i won't dress like them, sheesh u sound like you are from Yugoslav, dress like them Imaoooo, not that there anything wrong with their dress, but no i have my own dress sense LOL and will dress how I WANT, ur having a laugh i think.
But yea our meals are mainly Hungarian, they are not keen on english cuisine, i love lamb, they love pork so pork it is but geez, to dress like them, a bit extreme, i think, u sure u are not my husband, u sound like him to a teet.

Thankyou SP for your understanding! :)

Thanks John and TJ, you both seem really understanding, i was beginning to think nobody really understood. :)

Answer 1

You can take medication for your anxiety. It seems like you have a medical problem.

I have been in a situation where I was the only one that didn't speak Serbo-Croatian. My roommate would have friends over and they would speak in their native tongue. Since I didn't understand, I would get up and leave. Then, he asks me "Why are you leaving?" Well, it's because I don't understand a word you're saying. If this is the case, you should tell them that it's rude to speak a language that you don't understand and expect you to participate or be happy. You should tell your Hungarian that you will simply get up and walk out if you are not included in the conversation. Otherwise, they should speak in English. Make them speak English in front of you.

Answer 2

Marriage is compromise. If you are having panic attacks that is something completely different.. see a doc. Panic just begets more panic and it will snowball itself.

Why be someone you are not? Your husband is obviously happy to have you along. He's not ashamed that he married you. And I bet his friends can tell you are not hungarian, yugoslav or trying to be. (In fact, it would be more insulting to try to be...think about it). Just be you... and when you don't know what to do sit down, shut up and smile (its a great life rule).

One thing is that you didn't mention how often these gathering are... if they are constant and crowding out your own time together then I could understand... it might be time to re-evaluate how much time you are spending together. Otherwise, it is nice to be included... have you seen the posts with the husbands oafs who sit on the couch and do nothing? You are letting your blessings become your burdens....

Last YOU OWE HIM... marriage is not a point for point match. If you love him and choose to do ...go no strings attached...if not tell him with love that you can't... grow up.

Answer 3

Your problem of course is that you are intimidated by them. You look at how fastidious they are and think they must think less of you because your not. So this makes you feel the way you do. Your self esteem will not let you be comfortable with them because of this.

Now if you had a great self esteem you could care less what they think and you would not have all the stress. Easy to say....so hard to do I know.

Try thinking of it in this way. Regardless of his family your husband married you because he saw in you something he could truly love. Marrying him does not mean that you married his family but they are still a factor. They are his family and he can't just throw them over because you are uncomfortable with them.

So first look at what your husband thinks of you. Then do your level best to forget what his family is like and just talk to them the way you would your friends or family. You can do it but it takes a different way of looking at things. Even if you can't talk then just being there for him is a good thing. He can enjoy his family and if you don't get so shook up about it you may come to find they are not that perfect family they seem and begin to become more comfortable with them.

Where is it written that you always have to be engaged in any social contact. No where. Go. Be there for your husband as he is for you and just let things happen. Forget trying to impress because your fear makes you do just the opposite. When all said and done there is only one opinion that counts. Your husbands. Who else matters?

You can do this...believe me....I know.

Answer 4

Conflict or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a marriage, even these are surmountable. How to save your marriage https://tr.im/0pDRG

However, at that point where one partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?

You must realize first that, you do have a choice. Often, when confronted by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, must not and in no way manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself. You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and proactively.

Answer 5

It sounds like the reason you are feeling so nervous is because of some insecurity problems. Who cares if you eat on t.v trays, your just as good as them. Dont feel nervous! A little hint, when you feel uncomfortable and insecure like you dont fit in around other people, they think that YOU dont like THEM so they are very stand-offish. I would try to so something nice for whoever it is your visiting next time. Offer to bring something or just bring them some pretty flowers. That is a nice gesture and it shows you are being sincere. Even though you come from different backrounds doesnt mean you cant be good friends with these people. Just be nice, yourself, and sincere and EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU. Stop doubting yourself before you do even more damage. You belong at your husbands friend's house because you are his WIFE :) So cheer up girly and just relax. You are making this sooooo hard on yourself and it really doesnt have to be that way. If someone does act mean to you - DONT let it get to you. Its their problems NOT yours. Just always be nice and stand up for yourself if necessary but be respectful. If this does happen and someone does say something mean to you and your husband will stand up for you. I think you really need to get past these insecurity problems. Just truly be yourself and EVERYONE will like you. It will be hard at first to stop stressing but really try and you will be SO much happier.
Go luck and if you need more advice just ask! :)

Answer 6

You should have a couple of drinks, or smoke a joint before meeting with them. It will take the edge off. I understand - I have the same nervousness outside of my own friends & family. You feel like you're under a spotlight, or something. Just be yourself - let them think what they like - they will anyways.

Answer 7

Why do you care? If his friends are so narrow minded, it is better to lose them than to have them. If they cannot accept you and your ways, then they are not good friends. I guess just the thought that they will judge you and your actions is making you anxious. When this thought comes over you, just take a deep breath and meditate and tell youself that you are fine and everything is alright around you.

Answer 8

Get you a life coach, and learn their culture and let them see, that you are trying to learn, and give respect to their culture.
Women love it when they can teach another culture of the way of living.
Make your self vulnerable to the elders of wanting to learn their ways and teach you how to do things, and even bring it to your own home.
What they see in your behavior that you are so high and mighty and not lowered your standards of culture to their's.
Be sweet, and even dress just like them and when they all know that you are wanting to learn their way, they are eager to let little things go, and willing to even to help you more to be comfortable.
You love your husband, then summit to him, and his ways of life, so that he feels comfortable with you to his frineds home.
You just have to give up a bit of pride, and let his friends that he has a wife who summits to him, and love, honour him, and they too will love you as one of thier own.

Answer 9

Are you sure YOU aren't Hungarian?

For someone who is English, your english is terrible.

Answer 10

Divorce them if you are un Happy. because you cheated with another. Shame on you