Is there a quick, short term fix to this problem?

Question

Me, gay. got a live in boyfriend, 6 yrs now. I have loved another guy for 20. He was "straight" until last year. I went thru denial, big time. I could not have him, because he was straight. I moved on, physically, and sort of emotionally. My heart was broken when he came out. Obviously, i wasn't what he wanted, but i still want, and cannot have, him.
tomorrow, at this gathering, I meet the guy he's dating. I'm very jealous, of course. I have trouble talking about this guy. When i say his name, my b/f says "why do you sneer when you say his name?"
I need an emo-suppressant for dinner tomorrow. I could take a rubber band and snap it on my wrist if bad thoughts occur. I'll be driving, so drinking won't work, but maybe lots of caffeine? I have this icon my cousin made for me of a lightswitch in the "off" position, labeled "EMOTION" I'll make a card and keep it in my pocket.
Any other ideas?
Emotions suck!!

hailey, thank you for actually addressing the question I asked. So far, you'll get Best Answer, since you didn't just state the obvious (that I have difficulties in my current relationship, for example) or give flip a answer. I understand I must grow up, suck it up. I'm an old man, conditioned by decades of co-dependency with this guy. easy fix, right? I asked for quick and short term. Obviously I know full well I'm being a jerk to everyone concerned, but does anyone have an "anti-jerk" pill? I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Answer 1

Man. I can certainly relate to that. I've had crushes on straight friends before for years, and they were always so painful. But I always told myself, "It'll never happen; he's straight, I'm not, and that's just the way it is," and that helped me to get over it.

I can only imagine what it must be like to learn that one of your crushes is suddenly attainable but still picked someone else over you.

I'm not sure how much your ex-straight friend knows about your feelings for him, or how powerful they are. I know I never said anything to my crushes because I didn't want to complicate our friendship.

Have you sat him down and let him know how long you have dreamed of having the opportunity to be with him, how much it hurt you when he chose someone else, and how jealous you are of his current boyfriend? This would be a good way to honor your feelings while also giving him the heads-up as to why it's so hard for you to be happy for him or to accept his boyfriend.

One thing for certain is that emotions are not like a lightswitch. They cannot be turned off and on at will.

I'm not sure what to do about dinner. I suppose it would be rude to cancel this late in the game, but I really think you need to achieve some emotional distance if you want to stay friends with this guy. I'm concerned that your pain is still too fresh, and that you might say or do something you will regret later.

If you find your feelings beginning to overwhelm you, find a reason to excuse and collect yourself, or just call it an early night. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 2

Well, this is difficult. I guess, if it were me, I'd treat the guy he's dating as I treat anyone that my friends are dating that I don't like: condescendinly. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but it is what I'd do.

You seem to have accepted that you cannot have him. sometimes it seems like the fantasy is so much more appealing than the reality. But it is very hurtful to find that the person you've longed for for all this time doesn't feel the same way. Or maybe he does. Maybe he has no idea you feel this way, or maybe he just knows that you have a partner, and wouldn't even consider it because of this.

You basically have two options: be a total *** to the guy he's dating, or just be happy for him. It's a sad thing when we can't be happy for other people. But if your friend just came out, you know he needs your support. You've been there.

Answer 3

If you truly love your current boyfriend you should be able to push your emotions aside and be content with the fact that it wasn't meant to be. If you feel that strongly about this other guy than there's something lacking in your current relationship. I had a crush on a guy since Grade 2 but if he came to me now there's no way I'd leave my current boyfriend who I'm in love with. Time is of the essence and sometimes we have to accept that timing sucked but what you have now is not necessarily a bad thing. You could leave your current boyfriend for this guy and find out that you're aren't actually compatible and then you're left with noone. Evaluate your current relationship and focus on that. Besides, this newly out of the closet guy will most likely want to play the field and won't be committed to anyone long term - you wouldn't want your heart broken AND lose him as a friend AND lose your current boyfriend. Leave it alone and focus on your current boyfriend cause it's not like the other guy is single right now anyway. Jealousy does not make you look more appealing either... Good luck!

Answer 4

Yes, lowering taxes only works for a certain period of time. But what I, as a conservative, want is us to dismantle spending for education, CDC, FDA, SS, Medicare, etc. These costly government programs are limiting economic growth, but they can be replaced by other things. Spending for education can be replaced with vouchers for $4,000. On average, it costs the government $8,000 per person to educate them. We can cut that in half, and kids can still get the same quality education somewhere else! We can privatize SS. Medicare can be left up to the responsible Christian Church (just like it used to be). We have enough energy for the next 200 years-just here in America. Drilling is not a short term solution, it is a long-term solution. The thing about global warming and the CO2 levels is that is a lie. OK fine, global warming is happening, but it's warming up to the natural temperature. We've been cold for quite a while. And the CO2 levels are nothing to be afraid of. There are so many complex factors in global warming and cooling that when you take out all the complexity, you're left with CO2, even though that's one of the minor problems.

Answer 5

Wow that has got to suck. I have been married for 11 yrs but If i ever saw my ex with his wife even after all this time it would bug me. All I can suggest is dress to kill and act like it doesn't bother you. Make him be the one to wonder if he hasn;t made a mistake by not giving you a chance.. be charming and smell good and be the life of the party. Make sure he knows what a catch you are. As far as your current mate I won't go there because I'm sure there is much more to that then we know. Good luck and go kick some butt.... show em what he is missing.. Have a great dinner and merry christmas.

Answer 6

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Just try to think of something silly in your head when the emotions rear their head if you must be around him. Think about how happy you are with your current boyfriend, and focus on that - not the past or the broken heart.

I hope it works out for you; I can't imagine how painful it must be.

Answer 7

If you're having that much of a problem moving on, why would you put yourself in the position of being around him and his boyfriend? Work harder on the relationship that you have to continue moving that one forward and I'm sure that the emotional baggage will slowly melt away.

Answer 8

I don't believe there is a quick fix for this, just be yourself, and act in a mature fashion. Try to be happy for him/them...that would be best for all concerned. Find yourself a friend to talk to about this, answers you get here might not be appropriate.

Answer 9

...it's a bummer situation, the only solution that ever works for me ...(i hate/but it helps)
prior to the event try to anticipate the various topics of conversations and have prepared your "sweet" "smiling" responses.
otherwise refered to as "Rise Above It" (hand motion of an airplane taking off toward to sky)
Put on your fake britches, your fake happy attitude, and be genuinely pleasant (thats the hard part) It will make the evening pass much more quickly, and who knows, you may put a twinkle in the eye of the one your really love...
people are usually attracted to happy people,...

your fake happy britches go on just like the other ones do,...

Answer 10

You need to drink a cup of maturity and let the obsession go. I feel sorry for your BF.