I'm newly married and already feeling emotionally neglected. I deserve better! How do I make him wake up?

Question

I'm going to be 30 next month. I waited a long time to make sure he was the one I wanted to be with forever. We were best friends for 3 years before we got serious. We then dated and then lived together for 3 years before getting married. I thought I was doing the right thing but now that all the excitement of the wedding is over, I'm realizing how self-centered he can be. We don't connect on an emotional level. I'm not feeling emotionally fulfilled and I've contemplated looking elsewhere. I don't want to be the type of scumbag to cheat but I'm becoming very unhappy. Advice?

Answer 1

You are experiencing what almost every couple does. The man looks at marriage one way and the woman looks at it another.

From a mans perspective....now that your married.....you are together for life and there is no more need to try to attract you. Or at least it should be that way. So he goes about his life as he always did. You on the other hand hoped for someone that would make you the center of his life and dote on you. But he cannot do that and live his life the way he needs to.

You married this man because you saw in him something you loved. Heavens knows it wasn't a whirlwind romance so you should have gotten to know him pretty well. But there is something about that wedding ring that changes everything.

Talk to him and tell him where you are. He may have no clue you feel this way even if you have tried to drop hints. Men do not take hints. Tell him exactly what is missing for you. Tell him this when you have his full attention. Not watching TV....not while on the computer....not while he is trying to read. Get his attention and tell him.

What ever you do get it through to him and make him understand what you need before you even think of cheating on him.

I was married to my first wife for 37 years and at about year 32 I found out that during our early years she had seven affairs. I knew she was not happy but had no clue she would do that and it liked to kill me. With a crisis counselors help I got over it and we moved on. But I still did not learn from it and she did it again. We divorced and I am married again. She lives alone.

Do NOT let this happen to you are any form of it. You both loose big time.

Answer 2

Marriage is not easy. As a woman we view it differently to men. We want the wonderful fairy tale marriage that is perfect. Whereas he has got you and so he relaxes. He thinks he is doing a good job by going to work.
Cheating is never right. You have made a life long commitment and it requires all of you. Marriage needs effort.
You may be different too. If you are try doting on him. Make him some really special meals and wear some sexy lingerie. Give him a massage. Tell him how much you love him.
Complement him and support him. Marriage is about giving not just getting and when we give we get back.
Show an interest in him and ask for what you want. If it is an evening together doing something special then tell him that you would like to do that. But tell him with love not criticism.
Look at all that you have and start being grateful for your blessings that will shift your focus on to the positive rather than the negative.
If nothing changes after you try this then I think you may need to seek counseling.

Answer 3

Before you decide to do anything, you should talk to him and let him know. Talk to him when he has nowhere to be or nothing to do, so that you have his total attention. Let him know that you feel unhappy and neglected. If he doesn't respond in the manner in which you feel he should then walk away and take a break from each other. Go and stay with a friend, parent, relative, etc. Let him see what it is like when he can not give a little more on his side to make your marriage work. Then all else I would suggest counseling, which I'm sure he will not agree too if he truly is self-centered. I would do some of those things and see what his reaction is. Maybe it takes missing you to realize what he's been neglecting. Take care, wish you the best.

Answer 4

How could things change so dramatically as soon as the marriage license was signed? Did you guys have an emotional connection before? Three years is a long time to know someone, and to figure out if they are able to meet your needs or not. It's possible that right now you two are going through a phase of "what now?"

If things were good before, they will get back to normal, give it time. Emotional connection doesn't just disappear. If, however, you weren't getting your needs met before, but the hope was that marriage would somehow make it all better - ain't gonna happen; everything you weren't happy about before marriage will continue, and get worse, after.

Answer 5

I guess I'm not understanding how you could not see how self-absorbed he is after 6 years of knowing him, 3 as a friend. Did he hide his real nature for SIX years? Or did you willfully overlook it? Did he change immediately upon getting married?

I would sit down with him and tell him the truth. You will need concrete examples to show him why you feel emotionally ignored and how he is self-absorbed. You may want to compile these examples by making a little journal for reference when you have this conversation in case you get agitated when he gets defensive and angry (as he probably will). If you two have a solid relationship, he may very well listen to your issues and try to solve them between you two. However, if patterns have already been established after 6 years, then you may need some professional help in resolving your issues.

Always make an attempt to resolve the problem before throwing away your marriage with infidelity. If however you believe it's easier to cheat than to deal with the problem, then your marriage is already over.

Answer 6

COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE! I think couples really lack communication sometimes. Not saying that you do, maybe you've already spoken to him. Yes I think you need a job or an interest to take your mind off this. But you need to resolve it. I suggest you sit down with him and really try to sort things through- do it during the day so your not tired and emotional, like at night. He may turn his attention off himself when he realises your happy with your new hobby or job or whatever you may do. Even go out on different occasions with your female friends, visit family, arts and crafts? Something you love. Gradually, you may start to feel better. I have the same trouble with my boyfriend, I get too caught up in the fact that he isn't paying enough attention to me when in fact, I should be content and happy with the amount because we're all human and he loves me. And I'm sure he loves you? Please don't cheat, marriage is a sacred, beautiful thing. Try and sort out all you can before you even think about stepping out that door. All the best.

Answer 7

You have known him long enough to know all of that, so that's not it. It's that '30' thing. You started your post out saying just that, THEN you said "I waited long enough"...you are putting a time limit on yourself and feeling trapped. The wedding felt like the 'thing to do', right? Now you feel it was wrong, HE's to blame. Start living your life the only way possible. FOR TODAY. Take your time and think about what exactley would make you happy NOW. Stop rushing through life because of your age, you'll make yourself and everyone around you miserable.

Answer 8

Maybe you wanted to be married more than be married to "him". Knowing him for 6 years, you probobly knew all this about him but didnt want to see it. Give the guy a break, maybe the two of you should see a counseler. If that doesnt help then get out ( unless you have children, in that case keep working at it). Do not cheat. It will only make it worse. good luck.

Answer 9

The last think you want to do is to get into a situation that's hard to come out of. You may be feeling anxious also. The day before I got married I had so much self doubt and a lot of unanswered questions that mad my husband very nervous.
But I figured it was best to let him know how I feel that to keep it inside, talk to your man this is your future you deserve to be happy. GL.

Answer 10

my first boyfriend ever... we had been in combination in top institution for approximately an 12 months and a part. however then whatever occurred and he needed to transfer... he used to come back again regardless that, journeying from an excessively lengthy distance, only for me. he used to be neglecting his reports and his household simply to be with me for an hour or so. One day I instructed him that I've met any one else, despite the fact that it wasn't actual... I simply suggestion he deserved greater than being caught with me. of path, we broke up. in a while, he thanked me for it and we remained peers. we nonetheless speak at the cell typically...