I don't know what I'm going to do I feel like I am losing it?

Question

33, together with wife (32) for 11 years, married 7.
She had an adventurous sexual past prior to me, including threesomes and foursomes. I have no problem with her past at all.
I now, however, am so overwhelmed with the urge to have sex with other women that it is driving me nuts. I KNOW this is a problem and is dangerous. I have NEVER cheated on her at all. However, it is making it difficult for me to even function anymore.
My wife and I have a very active sex life (with eachother of course).
I started seeing a therapist about this in October and I told my wife why.
In August she suggested that we find a girl to have a threesome with. I thought she was kidding - now I find out she wasn't, but has changed her mind. She refuses to talk about this on any serious level for a MINIMUM of three years, she says.
I feel awful for wanting this but I don't know what to do. Therapy is not helping (yet?). I LOVE my wife but I am aching all day every day over this.
What now??

Just to add - she LOVES the threesome or swinger fantasy and has told me she might want to do it someday. Someday being many years - it might as well be a century. She talks about it in fantasy all the time but it is feeding this.

I am NOT going to cheat on her. I couldn't live with myself.
BUT I either have to get used to the idea that it's not going to happen or she'll have to move things along a little. We can't sit in the middle like this.

Answer 1

right there with you...except I don't have the luxury of a good sex life to go along with the feelings.

Sit tight...keep going to the Therapy...it's only been a little while and my guess is that your wife will be asked to join one or two of your therapy sessions in the near future. Good luck!

Answer 2

You do not want to bring in a 3rd party. Why? Because you have NO CLUE how your wife will react. Yes she said its possible in a few years blah blah, but you still have NO CLUE! For example. She said it would be nice, then a minute later the door was closed. Take that as a hint. Pick another fantasy the both of you can enjoy together, cause right now your just being selfish, and you are trying to con yourself into thinking she has the same thought process as you. Your not bi, but really really think how you would like it if she ask you to bring in another guy, You say, Hey! i'm not bi, she says, then don't kiss him etc...How would you feel? Don't risk 11 years for 35 min of pleasure.
I suggest maybe once a couple months you role play with your wife, have her dress up and get a wig, get into character and you can pick her up at a bar for a one night stand.

Oh yeah, i know your aching and all, but some people in the world are having real issues, like death, rape, cancer, etc...
Tell your wife you love her and no longer have a fantasy with other ladies cause your wife is the only one for you! and you dont want to risk all that you have built together!
She will dig it!

Answer 3

My wife and I are very similar ( age, length of marriage) She and I both enjoy these type of fantasy's. We have done things like playing strip poker with other couples but neither of us has actually had sex with someone else yet. She is Bi and I am not. We talk about it all the time and I know that it will happen at some point. My advice would be to keep working on making these fantasy's come true with her but not to go out on your own. Just keep in mind that more than likely the build up is better than the actual act will be.

Answer 4

My husband and I swing to keep those feelings in control. Your wife is going to have to be fair to you especially if she knows how you feel. Therapy is not going to help an aching in your loins. You are wasting your money there. Find out why 3 years is so important to her. If her reason is illogical tell her so and that it is unfair to your relationship because this situation will only breed problems. Start researching swinging groups and define what your rules would be about swinging. It really helps my marriage to have this option. We did it about 2 times per month at first then we got to where we preferred just being together, but when the mood hits either of us instead of creating strife between us we just go for it again.

Answer 5

She doesn't need to fake being a prude now. She opened a whole can of worms by proposing this to you and is just natural that after 11 years of marriage you want to do something new and still be married.

Tell her that you would like to experiment with HER, and that her idea was wonderful and you would like to give it a try. Thell her thats he doesn;t need to feel insecure and that you can start slow. Tell her that you want to address this as a couple and would enhance your s ex life. Reassure her that you love her.

You are not being a perv and nothing is wrong with you. You love your wife and you want some excitement and something new. The one that needs therapy is her because she is playing with your brain and backing off at the last minute. Don't go to therapy alone, go with HER! You need to do this together.

Good luck

Answer 6

You are on the edge and if you jump, you may not like what you find at the bottom. Regardless of what she's done in the past, she may want a different future. Perhaps ask her for the threesome again but tell her it would be with two men. Are you cool with that?

Answer 7

Tell her that her fantasy talk is adding fuel to the fire that you are actively trying put out. Maybe you two should try role-playing, go to bar, act like strangers, flirt with others, and create a false identity, and pick her up.

Answer 8

GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop thinking with your little head!! Is there anything else in your marriage besides sex?? Like, love, respect, honor, compassion, devotion, or honesty???? You've got way to much time on and IN your hand!!

Answer 9

i think you just want permission to cheat. i mean c'mon, youre having urges to have sex with other women? i dont buy that for a minute. if you were happily married, you wouldnt be having these feelings.

Answer 10

Will you please leave me alone?