If I'm not in love with my wife anymore, what steps do I take before I ask her for a divorce?

Question

For about a year now, things have slowly deteriorated. I have found that we fight way more now, we only have sex once every month or two or so, and I'm just falling out of love with her. Everytime I try to talk to her, things just unravel and get out of control. I think she sensee something is wrong, but I don't feel like talking about it because she tries to make it my fault. Maybe it is my fault, I don't know. But lately, I've been talking to some friends who have voiced in the past they don't like my wife, so they obviously are biased, and to thicken the plot, my girlfriend from 10 years ago is back in the picture. We talk as friends, but there are a lot of feelings still there. There's so much, it's like overload...

Answer 1

love is overated,

Answer 2

First and foremost, the you need to get the ex out of the picture. By seeing her, you tend to think about what you had and not what you have. This is what your wife is senseing is wrong.
The 1st lesson in Marriage 101, is you as the husband, are always wrong. The next time you two have a dispute, let her vent and make it your fault, and verbally agree. This way she will feel that you are listening and do care what she feels. She will likely change her ways as well. And with the ex out of the loop, you will act differently and she will sense this, and again change her ways. Marriage is all about compromise, these things would be your comprise to her and the relationship, then feeling this, she will comprise as well.

Answer 3

You sound like a smart man so listen: How can you convey what you are feeling if you don't tell her whats bothering you? You have sex once a month (why?) for convenience sake. You listen to what your friends think? You're married to her not them, I don't give a sh_t what your friends think! Your old girlfriend now that sounds like a loving relationship (your looking for some sex), what if she has herpes or some other STD you don't know about? Go to counseling and talk to your wife if she argues about going to counseling then and only then I would talk to her about divorce. I believe marriage is hard work and people are to easily willing to give that up these days. Give it a shot you have nothing to lose you may even fall in love with her again?

Answer 4

If you want a divorce you can go ahead and have. But in this case your gf seems to be the main attraction. Delay the decision for about six months and see whether you still feel the same about your wife. You never know, you may lose interest in your gf after some time as you have lost interest in your wife. If you have kids try to save your marriage as you have no serious problems with your wife except too much familiarity which breeds contempt.

Answer 5

Sounds like ur communication has gone for a dive. Its not fair that she makes u feel that its all ur fault, but both parties have to take responsibility for their share of "fault". Sometimes when we hear our partner talking and they use the "you" instead of "i feel" it automatically makes us be defensive and we assume that they r blaming us. We have to have great listening skills and our communication has to be very good in order to work things like this out. I agree with some of the other comments, u need to get marriage counselling. With someone else mediating u will see that it is a 50/50 split on whos "fault" it is. Perhaps its too late since u said in ur statement things have been falling apart for a year now, but its worth a try. The g/f from 10yrs back, should be on the back burner for now until u get ur marriage resolved. With her in the picture it takes ur attention away from ur situation with ur wife, and makes the grass seem greener on the other side of the fence. Remember that u married ur wife because u loved her at one time and u should try to fix that b4 moving on. Good luck!!

Answer 6

You call yourself a man. You don't even have the guts to say, you are having an affair with your old girlfriend. You want someone to give you a way out and not feel guilty. What a cop out. You better think long and hard. This girlfriend, is helping you cheat on your wife. You have already made up your mine to divorce your wife and be with your girlfriend. Then take responsibility for your actions. The old saying is what goes around comes around. Greener pastures are not always what they seem.

Answer 7

That's what I thought... another woman in the picture.. SHAME ON YOU!!!

I would suggest you suggest to your wife to go to counseling with you... At least you can know in your heart that you did the right thing and tried everything to make your marriage work.

You should also tell her... YOU MUST.. it is not fair that you are having these thoughts and conversations about her, but not with her.. I would not like it if my husband was talking to an old girlfriend about what a crappy wife I am.. these conversations should be done with her, not behind her back.

Have integrity.. do the right thing, and for god's sake, stop talking to other women about your emotions, your wife, etc. NOT NOT NOT a good idea, and not fair to your wife.

Answer 8

I think you go to counselling. Take responsibility for the things you can think of that ARE your fault...she will either reciprocate with what she could do better or shee may say "yeah-can you fix him?" If she opens up, then you have a real place to start, if she points the finger at you then...well, there's your answer about what to do.

Alternatively, if you fix the sex you'll probably fix a lot of the other problems also.

The ex-girlfriend is a complicating factor that will probably interfere with you getting to the heart of the matter with your wife.

Answer 9

It sounds like to me that the old girlfriend is intefering with your marriage.No one can live your life but you.You and your wife need to talk out your problems try having a middle person involved in the conversation so that they can see from both sides (not any of your friends).Compromise a little and pray that's if you really want your marriage to work, try first before you leave because you might regret not trying harder later on. Good luck

Answer 10

I was very much in the same position you are now. Very similar situation. We married at a young age, 18, and it was hard to start off with. We eventually settled down and was able to live together. However, a few years ago my wife and I grew very much apart, we both had separate lives. I traveled quite a bit as well as she did. So most of our time was spent together on weekends. Most of that time we would spend arguing. Sex was almost non-existent, more like a chore or an obligation.

Where we deviate is that I didn't have an old girlfriend, it was a co-worker. We have been working together for several years and we had a lot more in common than just work, we had a lot of the same interest. She's very striking and we had fun when we traveled together. There was a small group of us that once or twice a month would have to travel on business.

One night after dinner and drinks we were venting to each other, me and my home problems and she and her recent divorce. We talked a great length and I found out that that night that we shared common hidden feelings for each other.

After a long time away one time I came home to the same old same old. A long list of "to do's" while I was home. The arguments started and that's when I blew up. I had had enough. For the next week we slept in separate rooms....still arguing when we encountered each other, and that's when it happened. I asked for a divorce.

Seems we were both on the same page at the time and she agreed. I moved out. I promised her she could have everything (the house, all the contents etc.). To make it easier I told her to file against me and I will no contest anything, I was ready to find a new life, and to see the colors of the world again. By the way, we did have a daughter together.

Some of friends thought I was nuts to "throw away" 15 years of marriage. Others said that they always thought she was cold and mean to me.

Both sides of our family wanted the best for both of us and didn't intervene.

So, one day she called and said that she has the final divorce papers ready and all I needed to was sign and a couple weeks later it would be over with.

Here is the kicker. When she showed up after work, I noticed that she was dressed to the "9's". She was very cordial and said that she had something she wanted to say before I sign. She told me that over the past few months that there is something still there. I too felt that way. I loved her, wouldn't want any harm to come to her but I wasn't sure if I was in love with her. She tells me that she doesn't want a divorce and that I should "sleep" on it and I told her that I would.

I'm living in an apartment, I have absolutely nothing. The furniture I ordered was late, I'm sleeping on the floor. The co-worker didn't want anything to do with the mess because in her words, she didn't want to be the reason we divorced.

So, where did that leave me? Nowhere. I removed the co-worker from the equation and really thought about what was really happening. I don't know if you have any children in the picture but I did. When I was growing up, my parents divorced (right decision for them really) and I remembered how miserable I was. I didn't want that to happen to my daughter.

So, on a trial basis, we agreed to start seeing (dating if you will) again. We talked about what each other did to make the other so angry and why it made us angry. I told her that sex should not be an obligation. If she couldn't have sex with it being an obligation, then we should divorce. To me sex is something that you share with someone you love to express how much you care for that individual. She agreed.

After dating for a bit. I finally moved back in. We would still argue but it was more of a "here is how I feel" and how do we fix that. The sex did get better, we have our ups and downs (no pun intended). But things did get better, for awhile.

You see a couple of years ago, my daughter took her own life, she was 16. I couldn't have forgiven myself to see my wife and I having to go through that situation apart. No one else other than my wife could understand.

We're both still together and in love. We still have our moments when we argue. She gives me my space (I take long hikes 2 or 3 overnights) when I need to unwind. We do "stuff" as a couple and we both have our own thing.

I still work close with my co-worker, I still have very fond feelings for her but I keep those close to me and no one else, even her. I make sure that my wife is number one in my life.

I don't want to compare your life to mine they are very much different and you both will have to make the ultimate decision what you want to do.

My advice (take it for what it's worth), is to talk to her....You may even have arguments, that happens in marriages. But you need to clue her in on how you really feel, she may have no idea. Take your ex-girlfriend out of the equation. She has a biased opinion. Talk to some common friends that you and your wife share. Get an outside opinion they may see something that you do that you shouldn't. A marriage is after all a two way street.

Either way, it will be hard on each of you. There's no easy way to resolve the problem.

I wish you both the best on whatever decision you both make.

Answer 11

sounds like the problem is you...you are not being honest with yourself. Do you really think it is going to be any better 10 years from now with the new woman? Fix yourself first and then figure out what you want or you will be in the same situation 10 years from now. You prpbably could do more to make things better with your wife starting with getting rid of the girlfreind!