Hubby has never cheated on me as far as I know. But, he has come very close. Infact, we broke up and his ex-wife ended up staying over 3 days and sleeping in the bed with him (my step daughter between them). He has made phone calls to woman while intoxicated. And although he has never committed sexual acts I still feel betrayed. My trust in him is destroyed. I am constantly suspicious of what he is doing and who is calling, etc. i want to be able to trust him. Is there anyway that I will ever be able to do this? Please don't say that only I can answer this question. I really need some outside input.
2006-12-15 00:31:35 · 30 answers · asked by reowrrrr 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Once trust is lost, it's hard to gain it back, but it can be, but takes alot of work. It takes the work of the one who has caused the mistrust. Very seldom will these types seek help, or even try and make their better half feel more secure.
2006-12-15 00:35:06 · answer #1 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Apparently something Is still wrong and It either didn't change or has gotten worse since you broke up with him.I don't understand the relationship here, Is he telling you all this stuff or are you catching him. If he's not giving you the attention you feel you deserve then this Is always going to be a problem. And this drinking and calling other woman, you gotta remember something sweetie...a drunk mind speaks a sober mouth, he might already be talking or thinking about these other woman way before his mouth hits the bottle, drinking doesn't bring up the past relationships. You gotta explain to him If your putting 100% In he can't be putting In 50%-75%. You should be going forward In your life not backwards, If your living on good things that he did then and don't do as much now then this Is the best time to think how much more Is going to change In another five years, ten years,try fifteen years!?!
2006-12-15 01:08:36 · answer #2 · answered by passion 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very hard to trust someone once the trust has been broken. Have you and him talked about this? As far as his ex-wife staying with him for 3 days when the two of you broke up that is so wrong. Regardless that the two of you were broke up you were still married and that is considered being unfaithful. He is being a player and what he is doing is so wrong. You are just in your distrust of him and you will never be able to gain it back unless he stops what he is doing. He is only adding fuel to the fire even if he is not doing anything with these other women he is putting suspicion on himself for talking to them. You and him need to have a serious heart to heart and as long as you sit back and let him treat you in this way then he will continue to do it. It is high time to stop the abuse and set him straight. If he does not change then maybe it is time to let him go. How are you going to feel if he does cheat on you which will eventually happen if it has not already. You have shown him by taking it that you won't leave him for good. So he now knows he can have his cake and eat it to. Sorry for being so blunt but I can only see a whole lot of hurt coming your way. Best of luck to you.
2006-12-15 00:43:57 · answer #3 · answered by victoria_bell_99 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Trust is probably the most important part of an intimate relationship and once broken can be very hard to repair. Your hubby needs to take responsibility for the doubt he is putting in your mind - I don't think you are over-reacting or being paranoid. You should try to discuss this issue with him in a calm and rational way by making the point that you need emotional security in this relationship. If he loves you and wants to make the marriage work well ... he will listen and start to think before he acts. All the best to you.
2006-12-15 00:37:25 · answer #4 · answered by square_dotzz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's possible to trust again, but it's not easy. And it definitely takes both people to make it happen since trust is something that has to be earned.
It sounds like you have every right to be distrustful based on your husband's past actions, but you didn't mention if he's still doing any of these things currently. That's really going to make all the difference -- Until he behaves like a person worthy of being trusted, then there's no way that I know of to possibly trust him. At this point in time, the ball is totally in his court.
If, however, your distrust is based totally on things in the past and nothing currently happening, then really it is up to you to decide if you can leave the past in the past and not look back.
Have you considered marriage counseling/couples therapy? It sounds as if it's something you would both benefit from since a good therapist might be able to help your husband understand the hurtful things he's done AND at the same time, help you start to let go of some of your suspicions and fears.
Even if he doesn't want to go - counseling could still be very valuable to you. When my first marriage was breaking up, we started therapy together to try to save the marriage, but when it was obvious it couldn't be saved - we both continued to go individually to save ourselves.
Good luck to you.
2006-12-15 00:46:58 · answer #5 · answered by moonshadow 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe that once trust is questioned, the relationship is doomed.
I think people stay in them far too long for little glimmers of hope but ultimately the same results in the end. Trust is key to a relationship, it's the foundation. Once the foundation starts to crumble peice by peice everything else comes tumbling down.
Unfortunately it is a slow and agonizing experience. So if you have your doubts now, try to get out before you waste a huge portion of your life.
2006-12-15 00:38:27 · answer #6 · answered by sassinya 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know where you are coming from. Believe me it takes time. The important thing is to let him know how you are feeling. Tell him that you don't trust him right now and that you really just need proof that you can trust him again. I don't want to judge him but if he is calling women while intoxicated then maybe he needs to stop drinking. It will take time. Nothing happens over night but lay out how you are feeling to him and make him show you that you can trust him and eventually you will. If you fidn that in time you can not trust him then maybe he is not the one for you.
2006-12-15 00:37:11 · answer #7 · answered by Ann D 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is possible, but you said the answer yourself, only you can. You are the one who has to determine what will assure you to provide the trust and see that he does it. His first wife was his wife for a reason, they had an initial trust and relationship. That is probably why he calls her, goes to her. Most men do not understand women. Having had a close relationship with that woman, he probably goes to her to find out what's going on with you. If that is the case, be happy that he cares enough to try and make your relationship work. AND always remember, he fell in love with her first. There are always going to be feelings deep down.
2006-12-15 00:36:43 · answer #8 · answered by Shogun 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you were broke up at the time he had his ex-wife over that is not cheating. When he is drunk you say he makes phone calls to other women are you there? It sounds like you are aware of all he does so he is not hiding anything from you. I think you should talk to him about the things that bother you and try not to be so suspicious. You say he is not cheating, why are you so upset.
2006-12-15 01:15:21 · answer #9 · answered by Barry W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, if u believe they slept in the same bed w/o doing anything, you're the fool. [i've used that line myself and i'm a woman!] it all depends on if you are willing to take the chance on trusting him again. express the way u feel about these issues w/ your hubby, get his input. sometimes, no matter how hard it seems, taking the first step in re-trust is the answer. i suggest if these habits continue, you get away from him. it will only lead to your demise and heartbreak in the end. give him the chance to rectify his past lessons, either it will go or he will hang himself w/ his own noose. there you'll have your answers.
2006-12-15 01:02:39 · answer #10 · answered by Melissa Y 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋