I don't mean to sound crude but I am tired of having her shoved down my throat and am acctually starting to resent it. I have asked him to take me places and do things together, but we don't and I have to listen to stories of his past life with her and the great times that they had.....We do have 4 kids, 1 is mine, 2 are his and 1 is ours, Can anyone help me out? Give me some ideas? Will it always be this way?
2006-12-14 23:23:31 · 20 answers · asked by ebaymom2006 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How long did you date? Was he doing this before you got married? If he's still doing it 4 years in, he probably still has issues. Maybe you can see a therapist to assist him in moving on. There's nothing wrong with remembering or commenting, but ALWAYS talking about them could be a little weird.
2006-12-14 23:28:11 · answer #1 · answered by E B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he still hasn't gotten over his deceased wife. Perhaps you said "I do" too quickly. The only thing you can do is quietly approach him about the situation. Tell him that his deceased wife was important and special and you don't want her memory to be lost, but you're his wife now and you're feeling neglected by him. Make sure the kids aren't around when you do this, since there will probably be a raised voice or two during the session. Be honest with him and tell him that you resent the fact that he's still hung up on his wife who died "X" amount of years ago.
This is a really touchy subject. If your private talk with him doesn't work, you may want to seek marriage counseling.
Good luck.
2006-12-15 09:26:09 · answer #2 · answered by kenrayf 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You CHOSE to marry a man who lost his wife 4 years ago. The man came with baggage from the get go and you chose to not only enter a relationship but marry him. Stop blaming him for the choices that you've made and stop expecting your marriage to revolve around you. You might suggest he get counseling however be prepared for a fight, he obviously loved his late wife very much and they must have had a wonderful life together. You might take solace in knowing that perhaps YOU will be worth of such a love yourself if you were a bit more tolerant and understanding.
2006-12-15 08:48:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's the problem here. He was in love with her and YOU want him to stop expressing it? Maybe if you died he should be told to refrain from expressing his love for you!! I think you need to get over yourself and be proud of the fact that you married a person that can't just put away love like that. It's probably a good sign how much he cares for you and you may be calling into question some of these feelings. Let him be. If it gets bothersome, gently let him know you want to make memories that last a lifetime also. Don't chastise him though.
2006-12-15 07:32:53 · answer #4 · answered by spag 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think grief always has it's ups and downs me being a mother of a child that passed away almost 6 years ago there are always things that remind me and as I see my other children I'm always reminded of the one I lost and certain days will also do that and I am happy but then there are days where I feel like giving up I think it's good that he remembers her and can talk about it he also has other children that needs to be reminded of their mother.
2006-12-15 08:44:39 · answer #5 · answered by fluttergirl2004 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think he needs Greif Counseling, explain to him that you love him, however, I have to say you should have thought more on this matter before you MARRIED him, It was a package deal, She will always be a part of his life because of the children he had with her, and you should not alienate her memory from her children, and she was a big part of their lives and you need to make peace with that and accept that if you are going to continue this marriage, she is always going to be there, even later, when grandchildren come, some people believe that when the X is dead that they should move on and forget about them, that is not going to happen.Now that being said he needs to find someone else to talk to about her, and not you, I think it is disrespectful to you and your relationship to continue to drag you through his past which is why greif counseling works, The kids will be more accepting of you if he doesn't make her such a dominating part of your lives, but you need to light up. Be more confident that atleast you don't have to worry about him going back to her. I would try talking to him and try counseling, If you still can't move on then maybe you will have to call it a day and move on yourself.
2006-12-15 08:02:13 · answer #6 · answered by TaylorProud 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your not sounding crude, but honey, he LOST his wife, he didn't divorce her. There's a big difference.
Didn't you know him long enough before you married him?
Can't you sit down with him and tell him you are his wife now, and you know that he loved her, but your not feeling his love by his constant talk of her. Remind him she is gone, and your the one here now and you need his love and attention.
If the talk doesn't help some, have him go seek grief counseling. Tell him he needs it because of how he can't stop talking of her and how he has you now. Let him know it is hurting your marriage rather he knows it or not.
Good luck.
2006-12-15 07:58:38 · answer #7 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you shouldn't have married him at the time when he hasn't gone past the life he had with his wife. It's normal to talk about one's deceased spouse but to constantly talk about them and make reference to them in every occasion is disturbing. He should see a psychologist or a counsellor to work out his issues. It's not fair that you have to fight for attention with a presumably "idealized" wife when you're already married to him. Best of luck. =)
2006-12-15 07:33:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you need to bring space between you to, obviously he misses her but its no way to treat you like that.
Say you want to go off away for a day, bringing the kids or something, so that he could stay home and think about his long lost wife. Tell him to call when he feels he's ready to accept you. When he sees your running away from him becuz of his behaviour he'll try to stop (hopefully).
Confront and amdit to him. You understand the pain he's going through and hope to help him heal and find happiness in life. But you cant do that unless he tries to, not forget her, but let her rest in peace, and he should go on with his life...
Say, you feel like you want to love him but he doesnt want to love you. Say you wish to be happy but he's making you sad...
Be patient and understanding, a loss is not easy to overcome
2006-12-15 07:31:58 · answer #9 · answered by rhea 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know what? W
Let him talk. Despite its 4 years past its still theraputic. In any event, she's dead and no threat to you. Now if he starts comparing the way you cook, clean, do things to the way she did then okay....if its constant you have every right to step up and say "enough". Naturally I assume that if it occurred you'd discuss it rationally and not go off the deep end.
But its obvious he misses her. After all...it isn't like losing your dog or favorite goldfish. So lay off him and let it go.
2006-12-15 08:08:04 · answer #10 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋