My wife is a clean freak and i'm not, it's causing probs?

Question

She's a total clean freak, everything in it's right place, no mess, mess makes her go nuts. I try my damndest to be clean but hell sometimes it just is NOT a priority so I let things slide a bit. Even when i do try to keep clean i can for example put my shoes away 50 times and forget one time and it's 'you left your shoes out again you know how i hate that' etc etc. How can i deal with this kind of clean freak disorder without walking on egg shells constantly?

Answer 1

well, try joking about it... when she starts her freakish attitude, listen...smile...and hug her... it'll slow her down a bit...

maybe make a deal, you'll remember if she tries her hardest not to nag at you... the less she's freakish the more you try to remember...

try placing a small paper on your mirror that writes 'shoes in order" or something like that....

admit you feel uncomfrotable and compromise with her... tell her of the things you cant do, but also tell her things you'll try to do... she's just trying to help...

ok maybe too much...

Answer 2

That's...not easy.

You are both going to have to change a bit. Though from your description, I'm thinking she's the one who needs to change the most -- but, I speak as the messy one.

I concur with 'get a den.' Or even just some things and places that are 'allowed' to be messy.

The nagging needs to stop as soon as possible. Can you explain that the "'you left your shoes out again you know how i hate that' etc etc" does not magically put your shoes away, but instead just annoys? It does not help remind you for next time; you know, you know, but will occasionally forget no matter what, so --

-- so, she can just put the damn shoes away herself. Wait, that doesn't sound very helpful. But, especially if it's really a '1 in 50' thing -- she needs to do it herself a bit; it's not you who hates it.

Messy people have an obligation to tidy a bit more around neat freaks they love for the sake of the freaks' happiness, and freaks have an obligation to clean up a bit after the messy who's trying, but who will never feel the way they do about tidiness. Short of serious disorder, hygienic problems, fire hazards, etc, neat freaks are only allowed a finite amount of complaining when it comes to stuff they could easily pick up themselves. Wanting and maintaining a high degree of tidiness requires more work on the part of the person who wants it.

Do not be waylaid in your messy-neaty discussions by the idea that you benefit as well from her cleaning up after you -- that's a straw man. You wouldn't care if your shoes were in the closet if you lived alone.

That said, you do live with her. Be nice. If you're 'trying your damndest,' it is high time to accept that she's going to have to relax her standards/pick up after you to get them, but -- be nice. Those neat folk can be a little sensitive.

Answer 3

Hmm...well, my husband and I have the same situation. I am a neat freak, and my husband is, well, less so. I used to react similarly, until I realized that it wasn't anything my husband was doing on "purpose." Usually, I would get mad because I thought that my husband's whole attitude toward the situation was "Well, SHE'LL get it, I just don't have time, too lazy, etc." As if I had the "extra" time to work all day, come home and do general cleanup, put MY shoes away, and then go behind him picking up after him! (You see how someone could start feeling really unappreciated, really fast?) But then I realized that that wasn't really his attitude at all. When I saw him gradually improve, I realized he's just forgetful sometimes (and aren't we all?). Plus knowing that he appreciated my efforts helped a lot, too. He would always tell me when one of his friends or co-workers complimented the house, and how neat and beautiful it looked, and that let me know that he felt proud of my efforts. Now, I may make an occasional joke about coffee mugs left lying around, or put the toilet seat and lid down "loudly" so he'll hear, but I've become way more relaxed about it. If your wife is like me, "mess" makes her feel stressed, and so maybe her negative reaction is more the result of her "stress" than it is a negative feeling toward you.. My advice is this: keep trying to remember (after all, you're an adult, and adults "put away" their own shoes...for the most part) but mostly let her know it's just that it's not always a priority to you, but that you don't "expect" her to do it for you. And MOST importantly, let her know that you DO appreciate her efforts. After all, what if she were a complete slob, and never picked up her own things, never mind yours? How crappy would THAT be?

Answer 4

marriage counseling may be in order here...sounds like there is trouble compromising on both sides. For yours...while cleaning up may not be a priority, keeping your wife happy should be...so, don't forget to do that.

For her...is she really saying that she would get divorced over dirty socks? If not, she should be a little more tolerant...allow a junk room, or something like that.

Also, consider that there may be more going on here...something is bugging her that she may not feel comfortable talking about, so she gets onto a subject she feels better about, and picks on you over that instead. Talk to her...find out what has changed from the time you got married, and change it back.

Answer 5

I hate to refer to myself as a Clean Freak… but I also suffer from “everythinghasaplace” compulsion. And.. My fiancé is not tidy. (God love him.. he does try)

It is a HUGE compromise. She needs to give a little (I no longer insist the towels have to be folded the “correct” way, and I have learned to only take quick glances into his closet – and NEVER look at his closet floor). She also needs to acknowledge you are making an effort. -How you get her to realize these things.. Not sure. You will need to talk with her.
My fiancé had to sit me down and say “Honey, I love you, I AM trying to keep things tidy around here, but I’m not used to your level of cleanliness. It hurts my feelings when you only look at my faults and don’t see the things that I have done” … Once he said this (and made me feel like a heal for hurting his feelings) I lightened up. I want this marriage to work so I had to think, “what is more important a towel laying on the floor or having him in my life”

Also -- THE BASEMENT. Yeah for Basements! They are rarely visited (at least not by me) and can not be seen by people coming in the house. He wanted an area he could be “himself”. So the Basement was what we came up with. There is a TV / CD / DVD player and Sofa area...and what is more.... I don’t see the mess (and he cleans it once a week- at least that's what he tells me) Even if not cleaned to “my standards” – It’s fine since I don’t see it. Do you have a basement? Or area you could designate as yours? That she would be willing to turn a blind eye to?

I wish you my best (and don’t forget to use the duster on the ceiling corners! –lol / kidding)

Answer 6

Just keep tip toeing around soon you'll get tired of it .Was she like this a the beginning?So people feel they have to empress others.By her being a neat freak do you guys ever have company?Ask your wife to take a load off.Take her out to eat somewhere and discuss the problem you're having with her.You must let her know how you feel this could cause a big Divorce.

Answer 7

i absolutely second rhea!! Try to keep it the little issue that it should be!! Joke around with her, think about the cute aspects of it!! If you dont take things so seriously it could greatly improve the situation.

Answer 8

Sounds like obsesive compolsive disorder. Take her to the shrink.

Answer 9

Get your own room, a den or something and totally ban her from entering it. Call it 'myspace' and make it as messy as you want.

Answer 10

Get used to it. I'm sure she won't divorce you for it.
My advice to clean freaks ..............don't be too harsh to your spouse or they might leave you.