I am trying to figure out what the tradition is for proposals for a second marriage when children are involved. I am aware that tradition is that the male ask the future father-in-law for permission, but what about the children? Should the children be asked, consulted, or at least be made aware of the possiblity of a proposal??? How does the age of the children affect the situation???
In this specific case, the woman has been divorced just over a year, dating for two years (the first year began right after the seperation) and two adult children. The male's children were well aware that it was a possibility and were even excited about it, while the female's children were sidestruck to say the least... What was the proper way that the proposal should have occurred???
2006-12-14 17:03:16 · 15 answers · asked by jdcl3324 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The children are more than aware of the relationship and all other items regarding the relationship were very open. Her children are not unaware of their mother's life, she just does not involve them into her life. She has stepped in as a second mother to his children, but her children barely know the man. Both of her children are at college and considered themselves close with their mother, but the mother likes to play "good mother" more than be a good mother. The age difference between his children are less than 3 years, why should they know and not her children???
2006-12-14 17:18:54 · update #1
If the "kids" are adults it doesn't really matter what they have to say- they should be happy that their mother found some one to love and that loves her back and makes her happy- It is not like they are 10 and 12 and still have the idea that mom and dad are getting back together-
2006-12-14 17:08:13 · answer #1 · answered by allaboutme_333 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like you know why the woman lost her first relationship. If she is distant to her own children then what are the benefits you see to having her in your life to help raise your children?
Being involved with another with less than 1 year on their own after a divorce is a disaster waiting to happen. How can she know herself when there has been no time to figure out who she is yet now she is imeshed with you. Then basicly you rescued her and she has had no independent growth. No growth, expect the past to repeat.
If all the kids are out of the house, then you can let them know you are getting married. You don't ask their permission.If Children still live at home then you evaluate the fit and the benefits in the eyes of raising the children they still come first. ..but it already sounds like someone doesnt want to be a parent. If you still want to get married and it isn't a good fit for the husband's children, then wait a few years... they will be gone soon and you can do what you want. A parent does the right thing to raise his kids in a healthy family environment. It's still about them... your needs should take second fiddle.
2006-12-15 01:36:01 · answer #2 · answered by Bob 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i wasn't aware of any tradition in a second marriage. if you love someone and you both want to get married, you ask the bride. because when it comes down to it, the father of the bride, the kids, the nanny and the dog don't have a say in the matter because they're not contributing to the monthly income, they're not committing to each other... sure, they're part of the family, but part of the reason for the old tradition where the man asked the father of the bride was there was an exchange of funds involved called a dowry. that doesn't happen much anymore. and back then, there was no women power and rights... so if the father agreed, then you were frakked!
it's nice that you want to include the kids, but all you really have to do is tell them what's going on.
2006-12-15 01:12:22 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why were the woman's children sidestruck? Weren't they acutely aware of this relationship? Are they living under a rock? Don't they know or even care that their Mother is a woman, not just their Mom? You do NOT have to ask for ANYONE's permission to marry!! You are an adult, you make your OWN decisions. Girl, this is not the stone ages!! You can explain to your children that you marriage with their Dad is over, he has moved on, and so have you. You have found a man that loves you, and you love him, and you are going to spend the rest of your life with him. Do NOT ask for their blessing...it is YOUR life, not theirs.
2006-12-15 01:10:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The tradition of asking her father and many other wedding traditions are reflective of a time when women were not persons. Women have not been recognised as persons long enough for traditions to change. Adhering to these traditions is in one sense, celebrating your love and commitment, but in another sense celebrating a time when women did not have rights by going through the motions of tradition. Then again, you could give new meaning to these traditions.
You should do your wedding and proposal in a way that makes sense and respects the respect that you have for both yourself and your future spouse and family as whole persons not property or second class citizens.
2006-12-15 01:21:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the children are grown and all on their own, then it should not be a major concern for them. It is not necessary to ask permission from the Father. this should be the business of the man and woman getting married. I assume they are older now and they should do whatever is in their hearts.
2006-12-15 01:12:30 · answer #6 · answered by justcurious 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In the second marriage the father of the bride should not be consulted, but her children should be. Especially since they are older. Now lets hope they are mature and respectful!!! Good luck!!
2006-12-15 01:08:52 · answer #7 · answered by sue d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest that the female have a family meeting to discuss the situation. Let everyone have his/her say. Let the female in question clearly state what her personal needs may be. Remind the adult children that if they have the right to choose their companions, then so does she.
2006-12-15 01:15:50 · answer #8 · answered by In Honor of Moja 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no tradition because this is a relatively new situation.
I think it would have been polite for the woman to have forewarned her children, but if they are adult, it is fundamentally none of their business. So the woman has no obligation to tell them, and she certainly has no obligation to ask for their permission.
2006-12-15 01:08:46 · answer #9 · answered by Kylie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We are living in the new millenium. All of that old school ask the father crap is over with. I just recently married. When I proposed to my wife I did just that. I proposed to her. She accepted and we announced to our families that we were getting married. Case closed.
2006-12-15 01:21:39 · answer #10 · answered by cave man 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋