Can someone help me find the christian marriage advice I really need?

Question

I am a christian and I take my marriage vows very seriously, so I don't intend to leave my husband, especially since we have a 2-year old son. As a result, I feel hopelessly trapped in a marriage that will leave me with unending pain, anger, disappointment and overall unhappiness. We have been married for almost 4 years. He insists on keeping a job with wierd hours. He won't finish school so he can get a better job either. He's always said we can't afford it. I recenly found out that's because he's been hiding $23,000 in debt from me (by lots of lies and deception). My pregnancy was a total off the wall surprise, but he still later accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the things that he's done to me. I've tried to find christian marriage advice books, but they all seem to run under the assumption that the guys just getting on your nerves, not that he's a lying jerk. I'm embarassed to go to my pastor. Please help me, someone.

Answer 1

I`m a Christian and I`m a counselor. I help train counselors.

Is your Pastor qualified to help? Does your church refer people to external counselors and help them with fees?

Is your husband a Christian.... really?

The other answerers are right in that - if your pastor is approachable and the church understands such needs - this is the place to go. The church isn`t for perfect people.... it`s a hospital for those who are wounded. Which of us isn`t, really?

If your church is too judgemental or your Pastor too weak (it happens, it`s sad) there may be Christian counselling agencies in your area that give several free sessions. However, if it is that you`re embarassed... what`s more important? Your marriage and future life are far more critical than feeling awkward.... aren`t they? Why not give a call, simply say you have a problem, and let your Pastor do the rest?

Answer 2

I think you need to go to some kind of professional counselor to get advice from....there are christian professionals out there. Your husband IS a lying jerk and though that may sound ":unchristian"...it is reality...and it is the truth.
Why is it that christian women (of which I dont claim to be anymore) feel that if the husbands are doing wrong that they (the wives) should be embarrassed and feel it is somehow their job to make it alright in the marraige.???? Your own words are " I feel hopelessly trapped in a marriage that will leave me with unending pain, anger, disappointment and overall unhappiness."
How can you beleive that a loving God would have you live that kind of life????....You wont get extra points in heaven for living in hell on earth.....He sounds very irresponsible(your husband).....You are daily building inner hurt which will become resentment for all the ways he is betraying your trust as a wife and as a freind and fellow christian. What if he never changes and only gets worse....How can you sacrificing your life and happiness AND the life and happiness of your child justify that????
I thought Jesus died so we wouldnt have to make those kind of sacrifices....Is divorce right??? maybe not....but some marraiges were not "right" to start with....it might not matter that YOU take your vows seriously...He obviously(your husband) does not....
Religious system guilt is not from God....it is from men......

Answer 3

Regardless of your timidity you need to start with your pastor. Your pastor has seen this before, more than likely, and perhaps he will be able to help you both find a Christian marriage counselor. If your husband won't go, go anyway. Your pastor's wife may have some serious insight as well. Set up the appointment today. You WILL find relief and support, the 2 things that can benefit you the most right now.

Answer 4

Sometimes you have to come to the reality of what is happening in your life.
Are you positive about not leaving him, if so then you are a prisoner of your own conscious beliefs.
Being a Christian does not tie you to a whipping post if he hid certain truths from you how many more lay hidden.

I'm sure God did not intend you to suffer you have a free will to decide what you want in life.
Yes people will say stay but why by your letter you are not happy Pastors will tell you it is not right but what would they do under your circumstances.

It is nothing to do with the guy getting on your nerves you are the one in control of your destiny nobody can tie you to that walk to freedom.

Answer 5

Your faith should be a comfort in times of crisis bnut it is just keeping you from doing the one thing that is right and getting out of a bad marriage. I bet that your husband is a less committed Christian than you and I bet he is using your faith to keep treating you badly and get away with it. The Christian faith is two thousand years old and whilst some of the teachings are still relevant to this day, some of them need to be looked at and put in the perspective of modern day life. Weird hours, debts, he has a mistress. I'd be amazed if he ever spends quality time with your son, he's a selfish lying ba***rd and you should leave him and find another man who shares your beliefs and values. Do it, not for you, but for your son's sake. God bless and good luck.

Answer 6

I admire the fact that you take your christian marriage vows seriously but what about you. This is going to destroy you in the end. You have a right to be happy and remember that any atmosphere in the house will affect your son. If you're adamant that you want to stay in the marriage, then you have to start making a life for yourself. Join a few groups, get to meet other people and it will, hopefully, make your life more bearable.

Good luck.

Answer 7

That is hard. You need to go to a christian councellor, preferably together but if he won't go then just go on your own. If he is abusing you then you need to find a safe place you can go and see if he will take action to correct his behaviour. You don't say if he is a Christian or not? Either way that does not release you from your marraige vows before God. Look to the Lord for His strengh and guidence - pray for Him to find you a good Christain councellor, to bring a woman into your life that can help and assist you in this time of struggle. You would be surprised what Pastors hear on a regular basis and really should go to Him even for a referal to a councellor. If your husband is a Christian then he needs to come into submission before the Lord, and if that means that men from the church have to make him accountable for his debt, lying and general deciet then that is what has to happen. The bible say that the church have to help their brothers and sisters see the errors of their ways, while supporting them to turn from their sin.
Keep praying for your husband and trust in the Lord.
God Bless

Answer 8

Go to your pastor anyway. You can't deal with all of this on your own. This is heavy stuff.

I like to do my best to help my friends honor their commitments and I am fervently supportive of marriage but you must admit that marriage is a two way street. One good woman cannot hold a marriage together if the man isn't working on it as well. And the reality is that marriage is a challenge even if both man and wife work at it. But if only the wife works at it -- then what?

You need some help. This is too much for one person. Start with your pastor. You needn't be embarrassed by the actions of a spouse who has gone off course. After all, you're the one trying to get things back on track, right?

I would also look at talking to some of the older women in your church. Women with some life experience. Divorce shouldn't be your first option but don't rule it out entirely. The Bible says a lot about marriage but most of it is aimed at marriages where both parties are making a good faith effort. You don't seem to have that in your marriage. There are times when one spouse can elevate things by doing what is right but that doesn't always work.

It is also possible that your situation may degenerate into infidelity on your husband's part -- if it hasn't already. If it reaches that point, there is scriptural basis for divorce. Talk to your pastor about this as well.

I'm not a big fan of organized religion but I realize that it can be very beneficial for a lot of people. I really admire your resolve to stay married but at the same time, I fear for you that you don't appear to be dealing with somebody with similar values. Your ideals about marriage will work great as long as you have a like-minded man. You need to ask yourself if you really think your husband feels the same way you do. If he doesn't then you need to be careful.

Pray for wisdom and guidance but don't forget to listen to the answers.

I think you need to learn to control those things that are within your control and avoid trying to force things that are outside of your control. You're in a tight spot and you need to find a way to make it better for you and for your son. Your husband will have to decide on his own if he wants better. But maybe if he sees you improve your life, he might want to do the same.

Will your husband consent to marriage counseling? That could be a real benefit for you as well.

I hope you are able to stay married but I hope it becomes a two way street. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

You may be too embarrassed, but if you have any hopes of keeping your vows I strongly suggest that you seek counselling, Either together or alone. It is not a healthy way to live with so much unhappiness and resentment and lack of trust. If you can't go to your Pastor maybe you can find a person within your church group that is adequately trained to talk to you.

Answer 10

I will tell you one thing, Our God is a loving God and all he wants for us is to be happy, you shouldn't stay in a marriage for the children that is the most ignorant thing parents can do, no matter how young, kids are not stupid. If your husband is deceitful and a liar than you two need to either work things out or go your separate ways, marriage should be built on love and trust and if you have neither than you don't have much of a foundation now do ya........