Should I leave him, is it cheating? Is enough, enough?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 yrs. we have 2 childre, and we meet in HIgh School. My husband moved out of his home state away from all family and friends to marry me and raise a family. He has a history of drinking until the eve hours of the morning... not all the time but maybe 4-6 times a year. 2 days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to look into his inbox on his cell phone. There I found text mess. from a girl that read I want to like you all over your body. When I questioned him he said she jokes around with everyone like that.. its just what she does. He claims to never pay any attention to her and usually ignores her. She is a coworker, and he states he never even read the message, which he didnt because it was new. Also last wk he was out of town, and I went through the history of all calls made and there I found a call to her cell phone number made at 1:30 am on the night he was out of town. He cant remember calling her, now what do I do?

sorry the text from the girl said i want to lick you all over.

Answer 1

Here's the summary...
You've got 6 years of marriage.
You've got 2 kids.
Hubby drinks like a fish every 2 to 3 months until the wee hours.
Hubby appears to be involved with a girl who wants to lick him all over.
You're sluething, looking at hubby's cell phone.
You don't trust your husband.

Wow, this is a tough one. Your husband sounds like a binge drinker. Any time you've got addiction and drug or alcohol abuse, it's likely you've also got some sort of sexual impropriety going on. So it wouldn't surprise me if the licking girl is involved with your husband. She might not be but all the data would suggest otherwise.

I really think you need to look at what to do for you and for your children. Forget about him for now. You work on yourself.

I suggest you get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. They'll teach you to focus on yourself and not on his weird behavior. It's too easy to loose yourself in all of this. And that will make things worse.

Your husband doesn't sound very grown up. You sound pretty grounded and grown up yourself though. You deserve better than this -- and maybe he can give you better. Best to give it a try. But if he can't give you better than this -- or won't, then it's time to go on without him.

But the key is that you need to get better first. Your life sounds a bit broken. Time to pick up the pieces and put it all back together. He'll either do the same or he'll get worse. Hopefully for your sake and the sake of your children, he will realize what he's got, wake up, grow up and get some help.

You deserve better than this. Make your life better and see if he'll go along with you. If he doesn't, then take it slow and easy. You'll know when you've had enough.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Whether he remembers or not, isnt the issue. The fact that the call was made at 1:30am is an issue. However, dont jump to conclusions and automatically think he`s been cheating. Maybe he`s been thinking about it and as long as you call him on his lies and let him know he cant fool you so easily I doubt he`ll actually go out and cheat. Has the sex between you two changed? Also what was the reason he was out of town and how long was the conversation? If it was a long call he didnt see her that night but if it was shorter than 5 minutes well then youve got good reason to believe she may have come over though I dont think that if he was out of town with intent on seeing her he wouldve waited til 130am to call her. I think that you probaly need something a bit more concrete to actually accuse him of cheating.

Answer 3

The only reason he didn't read the text is 'cause you got to it first .. I'd be getting a hold of that cell bill first too and see how long the call to this chick was and if there have been others as well ... confront him on his behaviour and tell him where you stand. It doesn't matter if this girl is "joking" or not, it's inappropriate 'cause he's married and he should be cutting off contact with her. As for if you should leave him or not, it may depend on his reaction and what else he has or hasnt been up to. Also, is this your only concern or their other things going on that you can't tolerate? Only you can decide what is best for you and your children.

Answer 4

Im sure he remembers calling her. Sounds like hes definately up to something and I think you know it, you just need to hear it. Its hard not to believe your loved ones, a lot of the time your at least partially blinded to these things because you want more than anything for them to be telling the truth. Id be shocked however if he was not lying about this. The fact that you dont have proof that they have an actual relationship going is a problem though. I wouldnt say just give up on your marriage, but he is lying, so keep your eyes wide open. Warn him that you will leave if he doesnt admit to something. Maybe counseling could help you two, but maybe it wont. Just dont try to salvage something that cant be saved. You try to a certain extent, but some people just dont change.

Answer 5

Understand that your marriage has entered the land-mine phase; highly vulnerable to destruction. Sounds like one or both of you have been taking things too much for granted lately. I don't believe the story about the text message, but it was not right of you to go through his phone messages. It's most convenient for him to forget placing a call at 12;30 in the morning. Was he spaced out at the time?
You husband may be classified as a "binge drinker" if he overdoes it 4-6 times a year. It is problematic, but IMO not as big a problem as daily alcoholism. it is, nevertheless, destructive behavior.
I think you should see a counselor, and make a few meetings of Al-Anon ( they're in the book). Your marriage is headed for serious failure!
get busy!

Answer 6

well it doesn't sound right to have any associations with this kind of woman.that said, i don't seee the harm with anything else....if he's been developing an untrustable history with lies 4-6 times a year is hardly a friday night,sat night weekly habit which would be closer to 100 times a year none the less there's no excuse in having a drunk out of control co-worker around when he is out to get drunk those two don't make a good mix, she's toxic while he's sweet.get some salt & a lemon and make him suck on it when you drop the news of the disappointment in his involvement work related or not in this situation

Answer 7

this is a hard one..... sometimes people seek attention from others not really wanting it. she could be an ego booster for him or maybe they are having an affair. you can not depend on him to be honest with you. i think this is one of those things where you have to sit back and monitor his actions and cell records for a while before you make that choice. pull up cell records going back a while and see if he has called her in the past. remember it is possible for the whole thing to be a game for the both of them and maybe they have never been intimate. it is possible. i do know that most co-workers who get involved sexually always have a big production ending. the odds are for you (the wife) but just watch and be cool.

Answer 8

Oh boy. Where there's smoke there's fire. He's conveniently forgotten that he called her, but clearly he did if her cell phone number is in his call history. What would make her think she could say something like that to him unless he encouraged it, or she thought he would be receptive to it? A co-worker just doesn't call a happily married guy and say I want to lick you all over if the man isn't doing something to encourage it. I think you should sit down and discuss your concerns with him. If he isn't cheating, he's on a slippery slope---contemplating it. I would continue to check his phone and anything else that raises a red flag in your mind.

Answer 9

Never a good start in a relationship with lies. The only way the guilt will go is by telling him and assuring him that it wont happen again. However, he is off to school soon, and that will most definitely present some opportunities for him. So, what comes around my go around. I hate to say it, but if YOU come clean, then you will feel better and no guilt and also start with an honest relationship, then it will be up to him to learn how to forgive. both of those are very huge steps in a relationship. Good luck.

Answer 10

Sounds like there is more going on then what he is saying.... I would bring it up to him about reporting her for sexual harrasement and see if he gets defensive if so then ya know there is more to the story then he claims......

He remembers calling her he just wants to see if you will believe his lies...... Call him on it an her and see where that goes but I think this may end a way you do not want....

Good Luck and I hope it turns out for the best