My husband and I are debating whether to allow our "foster" daughter's boyfriend to continue coming to dinner.

Question

We have a 19 year old former foster daughter who has chosen to return to our home to live after a turmultuous couple of years away from us. She has a former live-in boyfriend that she is still involved with. He isn't the kind of person we would chose for her although until recently we thought he was a fairly nice guy, although without a doubt a "loser". She agrees he's not a great prize but feels like she "owes" him for his past support and doesn't want to "give up " on him. Now we find out he often gets drunk and becomes mean. If we tell her we don't want to support their relationship by welcoming him into our home, she may feel we are making unfair judgements. If we continue to allow him to come to dinner and visit, we feel like we are supporting their relationship. How do we handle this?

Answer 1

i say give the man a chance. maybe talk to him about the things hes done wrong, maybe hell come to relize but that only works with some people and u know him better then me, but if you thing hes repairable let him and keep being nice however goodness is contagious.

Answer 2

You have to stay strong in your rules. 1) She may think that she owes him and that could very well be true but if he has done a good deed for her then god will see this and award him for this shouldn't have to live unhappy and neither should you guys. At the same time I feel that you should let him come to dinner on certain nights set rules that he must go by. The hard problem of this all is she is 19 so you have to watch what you say to upset her cause you don't want her going to make unhealthy decisions. Just sit her down and let her know that God has plans for her and that she is too young to get caught up in someones life who don't apparently care about his body.

Answer 3

Explain to her that she only owes herself anything. No matter what support he has shown her in the past, she should only still be with him if she wants to, not because she feels like she has to. I was married or 4 years because I felt too bad to break up with him before we got married because he had always been there for me. I soon figured out that I had made a big mistake and allowed myself to fall way into a "debt" that was harder to end after investing so much time..than it would have been if I had done it earlier.

Answer 4

You definitely need to tell her how you feel. She may feel that she is trapped in this relationship. Let her know how much you care for her, and offer to help her in any way possible. Make sure she knows that you love her and are here for her. If you do not feel her relationship is right, you should not support it. I would not let someone in my house, that I didn't want there and neither should you. I know this sounds awful, but she is an adult now, and it is up to her to make the right decision. God Bless!

Answer 5

bs if you don't want him over you don't want him over...if she feels gratitude for him let her they can both go to aa meetings togetherand he still does not need to come over so tell her what the deal is and let her know you do not approve of his behaviour,doesn't she understand...she's not 12 anymore get her to face reality now at 19....you don't want her being 39 with this problem of course she needs to decide what's important to her his wishes or yours but there's no compromise with that behaviour....goodluck

Answer 6

well you should support her he may get drunk and mean just make Sher he doesn't at your house and make shire that she makes her mistakes or she wont learn its just a guy they my not end us to get her for long support her!

Answer 7

Don't allow him to come for dinners. He is a sponge. So is she. Do they pay for anything?

Answer 8

well your daughter is her own women now but its still your house ..i hope you stick by your guns and dont let him cause i see only pain and sufering in her future

Answer 9

no