Grounding teen daughter isnt working?

Question

I have a 13 year daughter who fails to turn her school work in sometimes and also has not called a few times to let me know she wasnt coming home right after school.The consequence has been grounded for 1 day per assignment not turned in and 2 days for not calling but grounding doesnt seem to phase her, she continues to do the same stuff. Does anyone have any suggestions on a better way to handle this?

Answer 1

Teenagers! Don't you just love them. I have two teenage daughters. We found the best approach was as follows

Say yes as much as possible. If you allow them as much freedom as you can and do whatever you can to accommodate them. When you do say no they know it's for a good reason and generally don't argue.

Always be reasonable. If you say no to something make sure you know why. On one occasion I said my daughter couldn't take a short train journey with her friend because she had never been on her own on a train before (she was 12) I realised as I was saying it how stupid it was. With that rational she'd still need me to accompany her now (she's 19). I told her I knew even then I was being stupid and to come back and ask me again when I'd had a chance to get rational.

Don't be afraid to show her you are human and make mistakes too.

Communicate. Explain to your daughter why it is so important that she calls to let you know if she is going to be late. If you've heard the English news about the 5 young women that have been murdered in the last week or two you could use it to illustrate you point. She may know she's fine, but you don't. Reassure her that you aren't doing it to interfere with her fun or cramp her style, just you need to know she's safe.

Assignments........I'd let the school handle that one. They have sanctions on that sort of behaviour.

Answer 2

When she is grounded, is she still allowed on the computer, telephone, stereo, or TV? With my daughter, when she was grounded she was only allowed to use the lamp or the alarm clock. We took the cords off of everything in her room. She was allowed to read. If she doesn't respond to that, try taking her bedroom door. For a teenager loss of privacy is devastating. 1 day is really not that much of a punishment. My daughter was grounded for 1 week for every 15 minutes she was late coming home without letting me know why. If yours is only 13, she is testing her limits, you're in trouble in a couple of years. Set down the rules and make sure she knows what the consequences are. When my daughter was 1/2 hour late, she would walk in the house and say, "I know 2 weeks." That was the end of the discussion. Don't give in either. If you tell her 2 weeks, don't let up after 1! Kids have to know where the boundries are.

I also have a friend who uses the shadow approach. Her son would not learn from the grounding either. So when he was in trouble, he was her shadow. He was not allowed to leave her side for anything except the bathroom and bed. She picked those days to do the most boring of chores. Good luck.

Answer 3

This is the worst thing any teen could ever hear, "You're grouned until further notice" Just ground her, AND take away everything that she could possibly find entertaining. Don't tell her how long it's going to be and don't faulter. Don't give in! She will never take you seirously if you make threats and don't follow through. If she's 13 and you lose control now it can only get worse. Don't worry about being her friend, worry about being her mom. Who care's if she's pissed. Don't even consider letting up if she's complaining about it. Let her have something like a book, or something productive, to do and even that, ONLY after homework. Keep her busy with helping you around the hosue and HOMEWORK. I was grounded like this for 6 months once when I was 14, and it was the worst thing in the world. It worked.

Answer 4

Teens are tough. Most schools these days have a website that has the assignments for every day on them so you can check what she has to do and then double check that she has it done and if she doesn't turn it in you can ground her but on top of the grounding take something important away from her. i.e. computer privledges, cell phone, mp3 player, something she thinks she "just can't live without". As for the not calling that is a problem that i feel is unsolvable. to remedy it though you could make the rule that she must come home directly after school and check-in with you or she will be grounded and losed whatever. i know that kids hate it when you show up wherever they are to come get them too. i dunno much else to tell you. when i was 13 i was allowed to go to school sporting events, and to friends houses if it was arranged before hand. good luck!!

Answer 5

Yes, take things away... and also, ground her a little longer than 1 day per assignment and 2 days for not calling... Sometimes it was worth it as a kid to not tell the parents what I was up to, I'd rather take 2 days grounding and have my fun at the time... Try a week without calls... and 2 days an assignment...

Answer 6

What I do with my teenage daughters is I have a reward system in place.If they hand in their assignments or school projects on time and get a good mark they get a reward or some sort.When they get their school reports I reward them with money for them to spend on themselves for clothes, they don't have to come home with all A's.As long as I see that their teachers comments are all positive.And then I give them a bonus for every A that they do get.I have grounded my daughters if they don't call to let me know that they are not coming straight home after school without a good reason.They don't get any privileges,no T.V, I pod,phone,computer,and even no books to amuse themselves.After doing this a couple of times they always come straight home.Hope I was of some sort of help.Take care.

Answer 7

Maybe you could talk to her teachers maybe she is having problems in school with some girls or a boy. Some times grounding kids doesn't always do it, and it could turn into a power struggle that will make your life and home miserable, try going out and talking. Maybe she needs a friend right now. 13 is a hard age I remember how hard it was. Good luck.

Answer 8

understand one thing - the dye was cast by the time your daughter was seven - she learn by then how to think - make decisions and evaluate what is good and bad - after seven she is pulling away from authority - If you are suffering from fear she will do wrong - perhaps that is your problem - If she has taken advantage of you and has gotten hurt - Then you must take the proverbial bull by the horns - explain that you errored in her formative years and you need her help in guiding her to not get hurt. Explain what you feel will go bad and how should you deal with her. Make her part of the decision process on what is okay.

Answer 9

I agree with achickengod. Punishment, especially stuff that has nothing to do with the "crime", is counter-productive and builds resentment.

We have ground rules like, no screens til your homework is done (no IMing, no TV). If your daughter fails to turn in homework, the consequence will come from her teacher in the form of bad grades or detention.

If she doesn't call, tell her you worried, and you don't like worrying. Maybe this is the guilt approach, but it works with my kids.

Answer 10

Can we stop being downright saditisic in some cases? Obviously punishing her isn't working.

Why not praise her for the correct actions instead?

I'd imagine she'd love $20 to go to the movies with some friends, or even some NICE time with you out to dinner. Instead of imprinting in her mind that whenever you find something she did you're going to make her life miserable, why not invoke her to sharing things in her life with you? Unless you want to be one of those parents that builds the Berlin Wall instead of a pleasant relationship, I'd suggest a completely new mindframe.