Cheated on, can I ever trust him again?

Question

Honestly, has anybody any advice to offer? He cheated on me when our daughter was 5 months old. When I found out three months later, his words were "Do you think I'm proud? Why dont you get some self confidence and take your clothes off once and awhile?" This was after he was still going to deny it, untill I told him I had talked to the other woman earlier. Then, when he and she both say it only happened once, his phone records indicate he called her way more than ONCE. This, after he's "not gonna lie anymore" is another lie. And whats worse, after he cheated, he proposed to me! This was when I had no clue he was sneeking around. I found out about three weeks after he gave me the ring. I dont know what to do. I dont know when to believe him or not. I dont know if its worth "trusting someone" when you really dont know if you do. I dont know how to get these images of the two of them in some bar parking lot out of my head. I'm litterally going crazy. Is there any hope?

Answer 1

there have been alot of couples that have gotten thru betrayl. if you and your partner are willing to make the commit and see a professional to work through your issues then it is worth a shot. best of luck to you

Answer 2

Here is what gives me the best tip on what's going on: "Do you think I'm proud? Why dont you get some self confidence and take your clothes off once and awhile?"

Hmmm... Sounds like he was using a lack of sexual activity as an excuse to cheat on you. I would think that if he wanted a good relationship with you, he would instead come and talk with you and say something like, "Hey, I'd really like to see you naked a lot more often. You're a beautiful young woman and I just love to look at you -- even though I know you're kinda shy..."

You get the idea... But no, he doesn't do that -- he goes and gets involved with some other woman. Doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

So let's look at what's important here...
1. You've got a little girl with this guy.
2. This guy cheats on you.
3. This guy more than likely lies to you.
4. This guy doesn't know how to communicate with you and is unkind to you.

Hmmmm... Add it all up and I'm not sure what you're getting out of this. You sound like a nice person but you also sound a little lost. You sound to me like you're having trouble setting boundaries. I'm going to guess that your father was either a. not around or b. not a great role model. Because I don't think most women would go along with the stuff it seems you're going along with. And a woman often learns about what a good man is from her daddy -- or not. But it seems you have some confusion about what a good man is.

It also sounds like you're feeling pretty jealous. That part is really sad because that can be such a terrible feeling. I think you can do better than this. How about you? Is this the type of relationship you want? I kinda doubt that it is.

I'd say that it's very, very unlikely that there is any hope. Any drugs or alcohol involved here?

Your number one priority is your little girl. I don't think this is the type of man who is going to set a good example for her to learn by.

It seems clear that you are in a lot of pain over all of this. I wish you peace and I trust you will find it in taking steps to improve your life.

Answer 3

If I were you I would run run run far away. It is too bad that you have a child together. But, that's the way it is. There are plenty of men out there that will treat you will respect.

I find it telling that when he was caught lying instead of apologizing and making up for it, he turned it around and attacked you and then tried to make it your fault. What a sick jerk.

Believe me honey, you will be better off without him. And, before you go to the "he's the father of my child" argument. He can still be the father of your child. Just don't marry this bastard. Find someone else. Matter of fact, you would be better of alone than with a liar and cheater like him.

As to whether this is a matter of trust. Well of course it's not. Clearly, you know that you can't trust him. He lied about sleeping with someone, he lied about it being over, he said it happened only once when phone records beg to differ, he proposed to you even though he had slept with someone else??!!! Jeesh what more evidence do you need. He's a slimy bastard. Kick him to the curb.

Answer 4

How many times can you say that you feel he has cheated/that something is in the air? If it happened 1,2,3 times then it will happen again. If you are not willingly to put up and deal with this cheating behavior for the rest of your life then stop and leave now. P.P.P.F.B= Past Performance Predicts Future behavior.

You can not let something you have no control over affect you. I know that is easier said than done.
It is not an easy position to be in and I can imagine what you are going thru all at once:anger,betrayal, insecure,confusion and hurt. Try not to focus on the situation find outlets that will help you to clear your mind that the solutions can come to.

I send positive wishes to you that you may get clarity and a solution that will give you some peace and some happiness.

Answer 5

It is very true when people say a person can change, and a cheater is not always a cheater. But seriously, this guy is a coward, because at first he denied it profusely - and then when he knew he was really cornered he tried to turn the tables on you and make it look like it was your fault he cheated. That was not love he was showing to you, it was selfishness because he would do anything, even make you feel like you DROVE him to it, just to wriggle out of the blame. Perhaps arguments or general trouble in the relationship, which is two-sided, did inspire some of his actions, but in the end in that final moment - that last chance where he could have backed out of sleeping with her - he gave in to what is most likely short-lived, empty desires and not only faced harming you, but your young daughter. And that is down to HIM and HIM alone.
I was in a similiar situation with my boyfriend of eighteen months. When suspicions first arose and I confronted him for the first time, he piled lie after lie on top of one another, which meant that when I did find concrete proof, made me lose all my respect for him because he had so many chances to say 'You know what honey, it's true, and I'm so, so, sorry.' and he didn't. He bought me gifts and all sorts during that time but I did end it. Of course you have a daughter together, so its more difficult for you, but that man is a liar and a coward and if circumstances don't drastically change and he realises the gravity of what he has done, you should end it with him, because there are guys out there who are truly 'one-woman' men, and you could find one easily who would want to be with you.

Sorry I've written so much but this is really what I empathise with.

Answer 6

You think you are going crazy now, just go on and get married. You can't possibility think that you will ever trust him again, or that he's not going to continue to lie. If you think this can happen then you are the one in trouble. He's going to marry you so he'll have you trapped once you actually find out that he's an out right cheater who really intends to continue being with other women as often as he can and get away with it. It was 31 yrs before my ex figured out that enough was enough on my part from his womanizing. So, don't be one of those to give up most of your life for a man who's not worth it. Wish you luck!

Answer 7

what he is doing is blaming the victim, the one cheated on. blaming the reason he does this on your self confidence, and how he feels about the sex he is getting from u, he is not exacly taking the blame, or promising u it will not happen again. he is not the least bit repentive and sorry. just says he is not proud of his behavior, but isn't really sorry. he seems not happy with you, and we can't change ourselves, we are who we are, he is comparing u with the other woman, so why stay in a relationship where u aren't respected, and he isn't sorry. why have to compete with others for his love, if he isn't satisfied with you, than he is basing the relationship on one thing. sometimes when we have children it does change the relationship, we do get tired, and with childcare, and things to take care of in the home, it happens sometimes. the reasons he gave u aren't good, a person should never cheat, if they love u. sounds as if all that really matters to him is the physical stuff, and your self confidence.personally i would not allow him to disrespect me like that, as once a cheater they always will find a reason to justify what they are doing, always going to blame someone else for the things they do.

Answer 8

i was cheated on and im out of that relationship. you can never trust again after that. well, some people can, but they are only kidding themselves. if he had such a lack of respect and honesty with you once, wont he again? yeah, he will, unforunately. i was also with a liar. he was always lying. CONSTANT lies. and they dont change. they get worse, or better at covering it up and thats all. for your sake and the sake of your sanity, get out. it wont be easy, but think long term down the road when he does it again and then you feel even worse about it, knowing you should have left after the first time. people cant change. they can try. they can lie about it, but actually doing it, thats a different story. you are who you are. and a cheater, is a cheater.

Answer 9

There's still hope, sweety...

One thing I can say, though I hate to say it, is that it seems to me like he proposed to u out of guilt. I mean, that usually mean a guy cares, but it's still something to look at.

If a person is going to cheat, then that's just something that they're going to do.

Unfortunately, trust is very important in a relationship. If u feel like u can't trust him, then u really don't need to be with him, cuz u'll feel suspicious ur entire life.

Maybe u do need to gain some confidence. I'm not saying it in the same sense that he did, but pick up ur head and realize that u don't need him to survive. Kick 'im to the curb and let HIM feel the burn.

Answer 10

You picked a bad bf and your paying the price. I was cheated on as well and i know i would never trust her again. I chose wrong as well and have moved on. He showed his true colors and if your smart you will just kick him out and move on. Good luck. I've come to believe that there's no such thing as true love and we're all better off if we don't try to find it. Just enjoy peoples company and move on when you want to.

Answer 11

I know exactly how u feel!!! It was last year about this time actually, and he was just acting different and i caught him. he said it was a huge mistake and he just felt like there was so much wrong with our lives that he wanted to end us, but then when it happened he was miserable. we r together, but it is very hard. i still don't trust him. i track phone calss on the cell bills, i locate his phone, i snoop in his wallet its crazy, and i hate it, but i haven't found anything more and the trust IS building. i don't like the remark he made about u taking your clothes off hes the one who did wrong and its not your fault it all his. i would love to correspond with you, it helps me to talk about it maybe it would help you to, i'm open for email