How to leave husband?

Question

I want a divorce after 25 years of marriage. My husband is acting pretty strange lately. He spends all our bill money. He lies all the time. When I catch him in a lie he turns everything around to make me look like I am paranoid and weak and that I need to be taken care of. But I know I am not. . He even admitted to have a drug problem. I also have seen him chat with women on line and give out his cell phone for meetings. But he drops a lot of hints that if I leave him he will do something crazy like kill him self. I don't know what to do. I can't take the constant stress of not knowing what he is going to do next.

Answer 1

Start by realizing you are a good person, regardless of what he says or does. In an effective and successful relationship, both people can satisfactorily be responsible for the entire success since they are both committed and motivated to do so.

When a relationship is going bad (or already is), then each person has the ability to single-handedly break/destroy it. It takes two to make it work, and either one can bring it all down. Its sad and painful when it happens, yet... it's our own personal strength that keep us going---and will for you too. :)

As a partner, it is your right, your RIGHT, to understand how things are being handled, how the money is being applied to bills, and where the spare change is going. What is being done to positively secure your future, long term insurance(s), retirement, etc... If he is really focused on those things, then that will come out when you talk with him, if not, then you further information on where the 'spare change' is going, as well as the bread and gas money.

You are responsible for yourself. you decide what you'll do. Seeking advice from here is one place to get anonymous help, but its also pretty limited, as you cannot have the in-depth discussions you really need to sort things out in your head (thus the value of some of your own on-line-chatting maybe). Nor can you fully/adequately express what all is going on (the little gotcha's too), much less get the real value of someone else's attention, insights and experienced advice. I don't qualify, either.... as I can give you the best in written word, but again, its the value of a two-way exchange that will benefit you the most.

On your own, certainly you can sit him down, and attempt to discuss things fully. "IF" he still loves you and wishes to sincerely make things right, you'll know it by his attitude and matching body language. On the other hand, you (as you stated yourself) probably already see the handwriting on the wall that your best choice might be to move on --- either way it is your choice to do what's best for you.

Marriage counseling might work, but again, he has to be clearly demonstrating to you that he is working with you... alternatively you might be better off with a divorce lawyer (is there such a thing as divorce counseling??? might want to check that out too).

Alternatively, if you've evidence of drugs, or a positive awareness of drugs being in his system now--- you can always call the police and request their support too.

Having said that... 'should' your husband do something drastic or stupid, that is his responsibility, not yours--regardless of any of his babbling. Yet, I tend to agree with 'Cister', seems like he's not man enough to face you honestly---can he really be MAN enough to take his own life too? I doubt it. My recommendation is to ignore his negative comments and statements..... serves no purpose.

Be positive and honest with yourself first.... look closely at what's going on, what has happened in the past and what all you can constructively do about it all now. If he is willing to contribute and genuinely help---all the better, as then you might have a marriage worth trying to save. If not (which seems more likely) then you have a disaster that's been brewing (his dishonesty, abuse, inept financial handling, drug addictions, infidelity, threats of suicide).... and your options are to stay and try to make the bad things better somehow, or begin to positively work yourself to take care by moving on, and out of the marriage.

you are not the first one to go through such things, though your own situation is always unique to the people involved. What is sure, is your knowledge of yourself and your own ability to get up, stand up for yourself and move on in the best way you know how.

Again, think positively and believe in your own strength to face such things. you can do it, and still have another 50-75 years of life ahead of you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and your strength!!!!!

Regardless of how you handle things, be positive in every discussion you have... take the moral and ethical high-road. Keep the discussions clean, be supportive of his REAL efforts (should you ever see any) to work with you, and quietly request his honest efforts along the way to MAKE things work during his abuse and negativity.

I wish you all the best and hope you do what makes you happy!

Answer 2

Sounds like infidelity. You decide if you are better off with a temporary separation from bed and board and insist he get help with his habits which defile the marriage bed. If he comes clean and wants to work on it, there's likely hope. If not, stay apart for your sanity, health, financial and other safety concerns and survival factors. Abusers often threaten suicide or financial support so they can have their cake and eat it to. As it stands, you are a co-dependant. Let him hit bottom without you and let him know when he's ready to change, you will be there to encourage until he's proven he can be trusted again. No matter what happens, pray and read the Holy Bible every day for strength and encouragement and make sure to have dependable Christian friends to help you through this time.

Answer 3

What is he spending the bill money on??? He admits to having a drug problem... he meets with women... What exchanges during those meetings? ...sex or drugs? Maybe he wants to be able to take better financial care of you and he's telling you not to get paranoid about his meetings. He obviously doesn't want you to leave, but if you do decide to leave, he won't go thru with his threat of suicide. Maybe he is just going thru a second childhood or male menopause.

Answer 4

if he admitted to a drug problem, maybe he really does have one. Spending alot of money and acting way out of character are pretty good signs that something is up. I would suggest counseling first before ending a marriage that has lasted this long.

Answer 5

You definatly need to leave as you are so much better without him!! He obviously doesn't care as he is chatting to other girls and spending the bill money so I think the last thing on his mind is to kill himself because if you left him and he wasn't this weird then he would seriously consider it!! Maybe recommend on him getting some professional help because it sounds like he does need it!!

Answer 6

You answered your own question. Its obvious he has a drug problem. As for him doing something crazy.....well hes already there. Hints...thats all. You better get out while the gettins' good. It will never get better, it will just keep escalating. If he is out with other women, he'll be bringing you home something you don't want. Be strong...good luck!

Answer 7

Good golly megetting who are you Dr Phil?

Just dump the bum and see if he has the guts to do himself in.
You don't need that kind of c**p.If he has a drug problem tell him to get help.If he is giving out his cell # to meet other women, you don't need a STD.

Answer 8

save some fundage for your needs and get the heck out. drug adicts do not change, he'll always drag you down, do it now before you get even more hurt or depressed. btw guys like that say they'll kill themselves but they hardly ever do, it's a guilt trip

Answer 9

Well, usually those who threatened to kill himself don't do it. Bluff. If he is all full of talking to girls and spending money and using drugs, HE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE. Get off and enjoy the only life you got to live.

Answer 10

First of all that if you leave me I will kill myself, is a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. You really should get counseling for yourself to help prepare you for leaving. If he is on drugs and he gets violent call the cops and get a restraining order. Please get yourself help to leave... It is hard to make that choice but under the circumstances once you get prepared go for it.