Will my husband I survive this together?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have a 14 year old daughter. He went to Iraq and ended up having an affair. It continued for over a year. Sometimes I feel as though he is a different person now, and other times I see my husband. I still have a hard time trusting him because he has hurt me so much and lied often.

He says he wants to work on our marriage and I believe him most of the time. There are days I think that we want different things in life and have grown apart. Then there are days that I want us to be back where we were.

I don't know if I can forgive him for everything he has done to me. We are kind of separated now, meaning he has an apartment to go to when I don't want him around.

What should I do? He still acts suspicious and I think the homewrecker is still in his life somehow. He claims she moved away and they haven't spoken.

Answer 1

Forgiveness is not for the offenders benefit. It is for your benefit. It is literally for giving yourself a release of a heavy heart. It is not his heart that is hurt and it is not him that is suspicious. Forgiveness is the greatest healing gift you can give yourself in any situation where someone behaved outside of devoted love to you. You do not have to approve of the actions, but accept what he did and accept you can not change what he did. You have to accept that you need to move forward. That means either work daily to try and trust him or realize that you just do not want to give him another chance and move on. Trust takes time and it takes believing when your sensors tell you not to. If you truly feel he is still unfaithful to any degree you have to be honest with him and let him know that his character has been blemished and while you accept what he did you no longer want to give him a place in your life to continue to act unloving toward you. You are both different people because of this but it does not mean you are both bad people. Your course just may be done, not everyone is meant to stay married forever. People come into our lives for a purpose and when that purpose has been served often the relationship is severed in various ways and we must accept the tie has been broken and dedicate ourselves to moving on with our ultimate goal in life which is growing to be the most loving and dedicated to positive thought, intent and action that there is.

Answer 2

He went to Iraq he was probably scared and afraid he wouldn't come back also anyone who goes into a war comes back a different person I know you love him its not the sex he had it is having someone he confided in and trusted when you weren't there it would be difficult to live through this I wouldn't give up on my marriage sure you can forgive him but the hurt would still be there I would try some marriage counseling also I would try dating again find out if its you he wants Maybe he isn't acting as much suspicious as you think he is sometimes we see what we want to see I think you two can work it out try the dating and getting to know each other again maybe he is really sorry but you are going to have to work on your hurt and anger I will pray for you and I do wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

u have mixed feeling's, and really don't want to see the end of the marriage. is he willing to seek counciling with you? he is a different person, u are too. u will never trust him the way you did, u will always wonder if he is doing it again. if he has said he wants to work on the marriage, than try hard to move on, and not focus on her, or what she did to u. he is with u, must count for something. wish mine would have come home, and wanted to work on the marriage, but he left with the homewrecker. all u can do is believe him if u want it to work out, make him give up his apartment, and live at home, so there is no chance that the homeqrecker can be with him without your knowing it. just keep your eyes wide open and be aware of things. but bring him home, less chance she can be with him. in spite of what he has done in the past, the nicer u are to him, the more willing to put down your pride, the more she has to loose and the more he won't want to go back to her.

Answer 4

My lady, you are talking about 18 years, not 18 days, you should do your best to get your husband back.
I would advise you that, you do the following:
1. Make a nice dinner at home, be in the best look and use very good words.
2. Talk about how you met him, and how nice that time was.
3. Check the wedding pictures and video together.
4. And the pictures of your daughter.
5. And always say that your daugther and he make the biggest cycle of your life.
6. Don't say anything about the other lady
I hope these things work for you, and good luck.
Write back for me, I will wait an answer from you.

Answer 5

Adultery is hard enough to handle as it is, but having a husband who is in the military (and was in Iraq!) complicates things a little. My husband went to Iraq for awhile, and came back a different person for awhile.

First you need to find out if the homewrecker really is in his life. If you have to hire a PI, or if you need to install keystroke watchers on your computer, then do it. If it's still going on, get rid of him.

If it really isn't still going on, he says he wants to work on your marriage. If you do as well, then get to it. See your chaplain on base or go to a marriage counselor. You have to do this.

You have stuff to deal with yourself, like the anger and hurt, but a marriage can't survive when the husband has an apartment for when his wife "doesn't want him around." It doesn't work like that.

You might want to consider going to a counselor yourself as well as couples.

Good luck!!!

Answer 6

I don't answer a ton of these, just the ones that look like this..... Betrayal, hon
Marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, and hon, you deserve all of it, your marriage deserves all of it. Marriage is all of these four plus a lot of lovies, consideration, compromise, settling differences without rage, quiet times, even time apart, shared and unshared hobbies, and tons of other goodies too many to begin to list.... And betrayal is the deal-buster, sweetie. It is THE only thing that changes how you view a spouse..... When the trust is gone, when your husband has shared his body and soul with another woman, the other two just either blow up in your face or just slowly erode. Even when there was just one betrayal, it is two years in counseling with you both before the marriage can heal, and that is no guarantee. Ask any counselor. You asked what you should do. Below, is what I did.

Answer 7

There are a number of threads going on here.
There is no way he can go to Iraq and not come back changed.
It is a stretch to expect him to be away from home for a year without getting any. Sad but true.
Of course he lied, did you expect him to come home and tell you all?
You seem to be separated because you want to be. Make up your mind.
If he wants to stay married to you put the limits on it and get on with it or get out. In between does nothing but prolong the agony.
Figure out if you can get over it or not.
Do it soon.

Answer 8

A cheating husband is hard to get past, My hubby cheated on me last year and although he has redeemed hisself to me its something that will be with you forever. I think that you can forgive but never forget! My husband has proved himself to me that he knows he made a horrible mistake. I think in some cases though that some men doesnt care and they will continue to cheat. Follow your heart and listen to your gut, if you dont trust him then dont give him another chance. If you put up with his cheating then that gives an impression to your 14 year old that this type of behavior is acceptable. Even though most teens want there parents together, they had rather see you safe and emotional ok than in pain due to a cheating husband. Good luck girl and may god be with you

Answer 9

This may sound like a "pat answer" but it is really the answer to all your problems. You can't change him but you can change by asking Jesus into your heart and life. He never fails. Your spouse needs to give his life to Christ as well and all this would be in the past, forgiven, forgotten, healed, love renewed and a new life begun with only a few scars to remind you it happened but God's grace got you through it. I hope the best for you and whether he makes that choice, it's best to lean on Jesus through the hard trials of life. His grace is sufficient for you.

Answer 10

I am sorry to hear about that. If I were you I would get out. You can not have a relationship w/ your spouse based on hope. Hope that you will someday be like your were in the past. I don't think I could ever forgive my husband for cheating. No way.