he has been verbally abusive to my parents also..his mother supports him...moreover, they say to people that he is the victim..where as the truth is just the opposite...is it possible that he is mentally ill? because he always blame me whenever his anger breaks out...which is very often..even on slightest thing he doesnt like..although theres nothing wrong in it actually..he misunderstands everything and so does his mother...do they want to get rid of me so that they can bring a new wife as i didnt bring much dowry..he told me that he loves me but i doubt when he misbehaves....i m confused whats the reality---whether he wants me or not?? whether he is mentally ill or what?? please help me
2006-12-14 10:16:29 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
LEAVE and don't look back!! There are good men out there who know how to treat women.
2006-12-14 10:17:58 · answer #1 · answered by Ashley 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It's a hard decision to make because you really want to believe that he wants you and loves you. In the cycle there will be times when you're absolutely sure that he loves and wants you, but it's still the cycle of abuse.
Get help. Don't wait for him to change, he won't. I know it's been 18months, but as Dr Phil says, why make it 18months and 1 day? It's too long. The minute that passed after the first time he did it was too long.
I know from experience, that it's the hardest thing to walk away from.
If you're having trouble making your decision because you think you maybe deserve...think about what your parents deserve? Do they deserve a miserable, abused daughter? Do they deserve to live with the knowledge of what's going on? Do they deserve to be abused by him as well? Think about the children you could bring into the relationship...do they deserve to live in fear? Do they deserve to be abused and belittled and grow up to have such low self-esteem that they in turn either abuse or are abused?
This is NOT YOUR FAULT! But it is your choice to stay or leave. If you leave, and he loves you and wants you, he will get help and change. Don't believe that he's changed unless he has proof that he has done somethin to better himself - anger management courses or counselling.
Ask your parents for help. They love you and want you to be happy and safe; if that's not a viable option then find a womens shelter and get yourself back on your feet. It's been 18 months...but it doesn't have to be for the rest of your life. You can still get out and find a good, kind, decent man who will treat you with all the love and respect that you deserve.
Good luck.
2006-12-14 10:24:40 · answer #2 · answered by Sarah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hear what you are saying about your marriage. I'm really sorry for all the pain this person seems to be causing you but I have some things to say which reflect the situation.
1) It sounds like you would like to understand him so that you can predict his behavior. You're thinking primarily about him and why he behaves as he does. There is no way that you can reasonably control his outbursts. Usually when someone loves and respects you, you don't have to worry about people getting angry at you for trivial reasons.
2) It doesn't seem like you are considering leaving him or it would be very hard to leave him. Are you in a situation where you can't leave? Does this person have more money than you? Will your parents consider helping you out? If not, then it's time to plan your escape.
3) As hard as you're trying to make your married life work, this situation is not going to improve. Not because you're not a good, interesting or smart person. It's because this person is outside your control (most people are) and he feels no reason to treat you compassionately (as good husbands do).
4)You're not a bad wife/woman if you choose to end the marriage. In fact, I think you're really courageous even to ask these questions; it shows you're perceptive and take initiative. Unfortunately people (even the one you know) are not going to support you and that's going to be hard. But ask yourself if those people are trapped in a potentially dangerous and miserable marriages? If they're not, then they have nothing to tell you. If they are, you should pity them and try show them that women can be happy without controlling partners.
5) If you are planning to have children (or already do), you must act on their behalf and leave. That's where it's wrong for you to remain there; children are affected by violence and disrespect within the home.
When someone uses violence or hurtful words towards you, it's time to reconsider the relationship. The marriage is not worth anything in the world if you're feeling hurt or stupid.
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope that you face the music and have the strength to leave this person.
2006-12-14 11:11:01 · answer #3 · answered by Genevieve O 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is abusive then you need to leave and the sooner the better, you have already lost 18 months, do you really want to lose more - not just time but your mental/emotional health and possibly your life? Start looking up resources in your area for resources that can support you leave this abusive relationship ... you need to focus on your well-being and safety first. BTW, as for your question of being mentally ill? If he is directing all of his anger to you, blaming you for everything and does not behave this way with others - his family, friends, co-workers, people on the street, then the answer is no - if he can control himself in other contexts, he can choose to control himself with you, the fact that he doesn't shows that he is manipulative and controlling. He is getting away with his behaviour and not apt to change it if it continues to benefit him as it has. I think you are right to doubt if he really wants you and loves you - if he did, he would be treating you with respect, equality and the last thing he would want to do is anything (emotionally, verbally or physically) to hurt you.
2006-12-14 10:26:54 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You forgot to mention, he is mentally abusive too specially, if he always threatens you so,,,, Why the other man doesn't come and take you a way with him. I am sure your husband will be so happy and wishes from God somebody take you away from him to get rid of you... Otherwise, one day he gonna beat you up very badly and you gonna end up dead and the other man will lose you and.... I mean, if the other man really loved you and really cared about you, he wouldn't let you be married to your husband in the first place,,,, and he wouldn't need to feel sorry/bad/sad/ for you.. you should have been with this man if he was right for you in the first place instead of your husband maybe he wasn't very sure/ready about you at that time?! So, if you see the other man is really/truly sincere with you and you know you can trust him.. then, why not give a chance to him.. hopefully, he is the one who you really need/want in your life right now or who can help you sincerely and to be count on and be there for you .. it feels as if he is the only comfort for you right now.. I think both of you need to find a way to get away from your husband who is so horrible to you.. Maybe, the other man needs to confront your husband and you never know maybe your husband will give you up and let you go very happily and nothing will stop you and the other man to be together..!! Best of luck in everything!
2016-03-13 07:00:59 · answer #5 · answered by Irene 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, he *may* be mentally ill... That's possible. He may also just be a selfish a**hole with no manners. So, let me get it straight: if you knew that he "wanted" you - you'd be OK with the treatment he gives you, and would stay? And would only consider leaving if you were sure he didn't "want" you?
Wrong, girl. If he doesn't respect you - what does it matter if he "wants" you or not? It doesn't. Leave. There's absolutely NO REASON to stay with a person who is abusive; none whatsoever. Love is no excuse for letting someone walk all over you. Talk to a trusted friend or relative and ask their advice. Hopefully they will be able to help you and support you in your decision.
2006-12-14 10:38:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that no matter what people on here say to you, you are going to stay. 18 months of abuse and you are still there? Most women who have been in a relationship that bad for that long will always stay, usually because they have such low self esteem that they feel they will never find anything better, or they are too afraid to leave. It is very sad, but true. But, you can change that. Listen to the people on here when they tell you to go. Do it. Get out.
Long Live Jambi
2006-12-14 10:21:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
When you agreed to marry this man, what type of commitment did you have in mind. What type of love did you have in mind. Love is not simply something that we feel, it is something that we do. If the commitment that you agreed to included to love, cherish, honor, protect, etc...than what you are experiencing now is a breach of the contract that binds that relationship. There is no place in a marriage for abuse. You did not sign-up to be abused and neither did your parents. Not to mention, a lover does not abuse the cherish. I'm not expecting your husband to be perfect all of the time, but there seems to be a pattern of behavior here and not true remorse. My advice to you is to ask him if he would entertain marriage counseling. If not, get out of your marriage before you become a statistic. Good luck.
2006-12-14 10:45:45 · answer #8 · answered by kerber22 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was trapped in a nine-year-nightmare. There was little chance of escape because I had my child with me during that time. (He's grown up now, and doing very well for himself.) We were under the threat of, 'If you leave me, I'll hunt you down.'; and 'If you rat me out, my friends will get you.' Abusive people have little to no self-control, so they try to compensate it by controlling others. One of the first things they do is to isolate you from family, friends, colleagues, etc. When you have nobody and no where to turn to - BANG! They always apologise for their misdeeds, saying that it will never happen again. Bovine feces. They never change, and will always seek out others. We finally escaped with the help of the police. I still have the scars on my legs from his stabbings. GET OUT OF THERE!
2006-12-14 10:25:24 · answer #9 · answered by Mary W 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wait 4 what? 4 him to possible really **** you up or kill you? abuse of any kind is not acceptable so what makes you think you can a triple dose of it? maybe he is mentally ill .maybe he's just a psychopath. whatever the reason, i don't advise you put your life on the line waiting to find out which one it is. leaving is always easier said than done, but you can't do it if you laying up in a hospital or DEAD!
2006-12-14 12:15:58 · answer #10 · answered by baybeegrl5 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't wait. Get out now. Don't need to be another statistic. You are the victim and need to listen to you. He could be bipolar. You need to do what is right for you. Don't stay in a relationship with all this going on. He needs help and you need to save yourself. If he is the victim, so your parents say, he needs some medical help.
2006-12-14 10:23:24 · answer #11 · answered by Trese 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋