Why is marriage so tough?

Question

I don't get it.
Is it me, or can noone stay married? Is there somthing in the air? I know we live in (what I call) an ADHD time, we want "everything" & we want it "NOW", I get that, the problem is, I'm not like that, I get choked up when I hear about a cple thats been married for 40 years, & they're still happy! What r they doing that the rest of us aren't? I desperately want that! I've evn tried to fasion my life to position myself better to attain that, I chose a career thats 9-5 (no military, cops, or sales), I shied away from anything controversial (photographer, reporter, etc)...I could go on & on. I've been around the block, I've already been married & divorced & I truly recognize what I did wrong. So I thought long & hard before marrying again, we both r the same age, come frm stable families, r diverse enough to keep things interesting, bt the same where it counts, but we argue nonstop, & neither will budge, we usually just give up instead or "fixing" anything.

Wow, thank for the awesome answers, keep em coming, I see alot in what you are all talking about, communication IS the key, & we've lost that, it's like I see black & she sees white, & after another huge blow out tonight...we're now talking seriously about divorce, I hate it because I truly do love her, her "good" side is so wonderful, you rarely see it in people anymore, the love of family (as long as it's hers), the carefree spirit, loyalty, humor, fun. None of these exist when she's pissed though. We realized tonight that we are at a standstill, of course I feel like I'm bending over backwards & that she won't listen to anything, & I'm sure she feels the same. Regarding counseling, I'm all for it, we've gone before but had to drop it, it was just too expensive. Does anyone know how we could get inexpensive (professional) marriage counseling? I have nothing against going to a church, but I feel a little uncomfortable, because neither of us are members of a church.

Answer 1

communication is key

Answer 2

Have you tried marriage counselling? My b/f and I have been attending marriage therapy for almost 2 months and it's been so much better. Sounds like the two of you lost respect for the other some where down the line. Both are hurt from somethng the other did. You both need to find out what is truly the issues and deal with them. By doing so, you'll argue less over the petty stuff. WE don't argue a lot but when we do my b/f over reacts and threatens to leave. We have 7 real issues and with the help of our therapist were working through each one until all 7 are compromised. The women and men of 40 yrs ago kept a "blind eye" where we opened ours. Women stayed with abusive and cheating men and vise verse. Did they have something we don't or do we have something they didn't? Self preservation...not sure but no one is expected to be misrable in for a life time. Unless you take the vows of marriage literally. I've been divorced 3 times...in therapy for 3 yrs till I was told I'm much better now. I married batterers and stayed in each marriage way too long! Got beaten up so many times I'm on permanent pain killers for nerve damage...was I to stay? I don't believe so. Each one we argued all the time in the end...b/c I wouldn't just do what they wanted. Like clean the kitchen floor with a Q-tip! to get it REALLY clean...and make my kids from a previous marriage their personal slave. We live in a time where the divorce rate is over whelming! However, there may be a good reason for it. I feel only a small percent get divorced "just because". Hope this helps in some way...good luck.

Answer 3

Communication is the key, but not just any communication. You need to speak to each other in the way that the two of you want to be heard. I keep listing this because it truly helped my wife and I. "The Five Love Languages." You both need to remember your on the same side in all things. It's you two against the world. Also, don't forget your both human. It's OK to argue. Who doesn't? But you have to remember to forgive each other as well. Folks that have been married for 40 years don't live a purely blissful life. They have figured out how to love each other with human faults included. Neither of you is perfect and neither of you ever will be. Learn to love the faults, perhaps even laugh about them. Learn that perhaps one of you has a strength that the other doesn't. That's a good thing. Tag team stuff. There is a problem? You each take the part of the problem your good at and it gets done....that kind of thing. But in the end you have to learn to love each other faults included. If you can do that and keep good open communication then your good to go. :)

Answer 4

Get counselling. You may be too much alike and are having power struggles. Communicate on the deepest level, which means revealing your fears, emotions etc. and get to the bottom of why you're bickering about little things. There is always a bigger issue behind it all, and typically, hand in hand with that goes fear about talking about it. With my husband and I, we were arguing over stupid little things and who would do them. We finally came to the point that we decided to decide who was truly better at doing different things, and that person was put in charge of everything relating to that area. It has worked awesome, and we don't argue about anything anymore, and amazingly enough, we don't argue- period! We have learned to respect each others opinions and feelings and also learned how to validate each other in the ways we needed to feel validation- which is different to everyone, but everyone can figure it out. Again, I urge you to get to counselling so you can peel back the layers of the "emotional onion" and get to the center. You have all the ingredients for a successful marriage- it will all work out. ;)

Answer 5

I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately, no one does. We are the same way. I love my husband desparately, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough. Marriage is about compromise, and people by nature are selfish. Most people put their own needs and wants before the needs of another. Marriage is about respect, giving it and earning it. Most people don't even take the time to respect their own bodies and lives, let alone that of another person. It is tough, but some people can do it. I don't think it is an issue of "perfectly matched compatibility," so much as it is an issue of two people who are willing to make it work. It's just hard when only one is working for that peace. Hang in there, and remember to apologize as often as you would want her to. Maybe you can be the next 40 year success story... ♥

Answer 6

Marriage is hard work...but anything worth anything usually is, right? Life isnt a fairytail an neither are marriages. So what if you and your wife look great on paper?? You have to commuicate, youve got to copromise, and you cant just give up! And listen, you are the ma and that means you have to compromise a lot more then she does and thats just the way it is. If you want your marriage to work then do it. Marriages dont fail because people come from unstable familes or because they arent diverse enough, they fail becase people fail to work at them!! If you cant seem to communicate on your own then see a councelor.

Answer 7

any relationship can be difficult. As women we are so weird at times ...sometimes an argument can be avoided by a little romance...perhaps a surprise dinner or flowers out of the blue.

Lately, the guy I've been seeing didn't call for 2 days ...I thought he was cheating...he's been busy stressed out about something major which he shared with me later... how was I supposed to know.. Women are intellectual so we always want to talk.. we don't seem to understand that men prefer not to talk about stuff that's bothering them... I think plan a fun outing where the 2 of you can talk and open up honestly about how you feel and what you want out of this relationship. honesty is the key to good communication ...but trust me, planning a little surprise out of the norm.. maybe for dinner or some kind of surrise date or whatever will help... set the mood to be romantic...we are suckers for romance!!!!

hopefully everything works out and you guys can enjoy the rest of your 89 years happily married

Answer 8

That's the problem...you to are arguing and yelling and not resolving problems...So one has to be the better person and come to your loved one and ask could you talk....I've learned that yelling does not work as the other person will not respond or talk...Sometimes, when I get into a disagreement, I just don't say anything til I am calm and I try to talk it out to get to the bottom of the problem....I'll never forget when my hubby told me that I won't talk to you until you treat me like a man instead of a child......When that happened, I learned how to come to him in a way that is not offensive.....

Try it for a change....Think about how you would start the conversation and go from there...

Good Luck

Answer 9

I've answered this type of question before. Anyone with any brains knows marriage is tough as you so wisely pointed out. People therefore don't want to work on a relationship. Why should they when just one glance here shows people willing to fu*k like dogs and expect that this is the sole reason that a marriage should work.
Well we all know that it takes a helluva lot more. But...remember buddy...for the most part we are not dealing with men and women who are Rhodes scholars here.

Answer 10

We've been happily married for +36 years. It requires two mature people, a lot of give and take, a lot of tolerance and patience, and a pinch of luck.

We both have a lot of shared interests, so it's never been a matter of "her interests" and "my interests."

We're both very sexually charged, so we enjoy a good amount of sex. That never hurts in keeping two people together, but it isn't everything.

Too many couples that get married simply aren't mature enough; they're just too damned selfish. Another problem is having expectations that are just too high.

Another problem many face is ~ they guy figures she'll never change, and she figures she can change the guy. FACT: people may change their habits, but they do NOT change their personality. For people who have been dating for a few months, please note: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. The other person is not a "fixer-upper."

The fairly "liberal" Lutheran minister that married us told us that if we could succeed in avoiding arguments about money, we'd be better off than 80-90% of other married couples.

Answer 11

learn to talk and look at things from each others point of view. I do a bit and so does the wifey just because the other wants to. It is a give and take kind of thing. You do not have to be like each other. She is indoors and I like the out. My junk is yard junk that she has to put up with and I have to put up with her clutter around the house. She has to understand that a beer with the boys every now and then is not a sin and she needs a few friends too.