need help from all you moms about blended families?

Question

I'm newly wed to a divorced dad of a 8yr old son.Jim's exwife is very bitter about this and jealous of me(he did not leave her for me).I think i have made the situation worse by getting involved in the childs school.I attend parent/teacher conferences with jim and other functions.This has really pissed his ex off as she feels she should be the one going with jim not me.She has sent a very nasty letter to the school board saying i am not to have any contact with her childs school.Have i over stepped my bounderaries as a step parent?Should i just back off for now?Jim likes me to go with him but if she is going to make a stink about it he will not stick up for me,as he feels it will just hurt his son.Also for you stepmoms out there how involved are you in your step childs life?She is also mad at the fact that jim and I have our own b-day party for his son.She feels Jim and her should be giving the party for their son together not me.

Answer 1

Sounds like she's not over him yet. I'm not a step mom but I'm with someone playing stepdad to my kids. Their father tried to put up the same stink but it faded out rather quickly. I don't think you are overstepping your boundries...really there is no reason why she can't have separate meetings with the school if she wishes. She has no right to keep you out of your stepsons life. She should be grateful that you want to be a part of it and want to treat their son like your own. Alot of people don't/can't do that. I applaud you for wanting you all to be a real family!

Answer 2

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. I am a mom with a very active stepmom in my sons life. This is the first year my sons have lived with their father and stepmother. I respect her because she is taking care of my most precious assests. So let's see what's up here...first when it comes to the school, remember that she is mom first. Definitely be there and participate, but don't try to "out mom" her. This is only going to cause some serious issues for both of you. I think it's awesome that you want to be such an active part of your stepson's life, but try to have some boundaries in place. She may feel like you are trying to take her place in her sons life and may feel threatened by it. It also appears that she is having some issues with the fact that your husband is not with her anymore. That will take time and a lot of patience on your part. Always remain cordial and do not stoop to the level of arguing. If you and your husband want to have a party for your stepson, by all means do so. I think your husband needs to be man enough to have a conversation with her. Things would be 100 times better for your stepson if the adults in his life could get together and come to terms on acceptable behavior for his sake. All three of you love him and will have to find a way to get along, otherwise you are just setting a really bad example for him. Blending families is not an easy task for anyone involved. There are always hurt feelings, and feelings of betrayal that have to be dealt with. I truly wish you the best. Stepparents are a blessing and should be treated as such, but birth moms need to be handled with care as well. You only know your husbands side of the story, so it's hard to say where her animosity is coming from. Unfortunately, she is directing it at you because you are the easy target. Keep your head up and keep your wits about you at all times. Good luck sweetie and Merry Christmas.

Answer 3

She is out of line on the birthday party thing. She should have a party for him with her side of the boys family...and you two should have one with dad's side. Or..... I have 2 children with an ex-husband, they are now 19 & 18...but when they were little, their dad and his wife and my husband and I used to all get together and have birthday parties for them....often times we would go to Chuckie Cheese or someplace for kids...that was not mine or his "territory"....

As far as the school issues go....if Jim wants you to go....you should be beside him 100%....if she wants to be involved in the conferences and school functions..then by all means...she should be, she's his mother...but there is NO reason she can't be adult enough for all of you to be there. The only part of any of this that may be uncomfortable for a while would be the one on one with the teacher...other functions she can attend, and does not need to sit with you and your new husband. No, you have not overstepped your bounderies.....You should support your husband....and that sounds like exactly what you are doing. The jealous mom needs to grow up and back off!!! Apparently he divorced her for his own reasons...sounds like your beginning to see part of them.....

Hang in there..when she finds a new man..she'll get over this!! It's not easy being a step parent....I've been/ am on both sides of that table.....

Try this website...they send newsletters that are very helpful...also have support and answers your questions at no charge....
www.stepcarefully.com

Good luck...and congratulations on your new husband and baby!!! Many happy years to you and yours!!

Answer 4

It sounds like she is jealous and petty. I don't think she is looking at what is best for her child. However it might feel to her right now like 'ok she has my husband and now she is trying to get my kid' even though you haven't done anything wrong. You said that you are a newly wed and I'm sure everyone is getting use to everyone/everything. Just give it some time, things will calm down. I think its nice that you are being involved with his son. Good Luck!

Answer 5

does she understand that she and Jim are no longer married. I would be upset with Jim because you are his wife not his ex. I am very involved with my stepsons school. His mom don't like it but, tough. I married a packaged deal. You can't take me off the shelf when you want to. This is your life and home she has no say so over you. If i were her i would be happy to have a supermom like you who carried about my child. hang in there

Answer 6

My step kid's mom used to be like that. Don't sweat it. You two just keep doing what your doing and she'll come around when she figures out that your not going anywhere.
The most important thing is just let your step son know that you are going to be there for him, NO MATTER WHAT and that you and your husband love him regardless. Be there for him and love him. When she realizes that you only have your step son's best interest at heart, she slowly come around. Just be patient.

Kids need all the love they can get, especially kids from a divorced couple. They feel like everything is their fault. Just let him know that its not his fault and that you love him unconditionally.

Good luck.

Answer 7

You are NOT in the wrong, she is. She needs to grow up and think of the boy's best interest. I am a stepmother, but my girls were raised by a drunk that never noticed they left, Her loss, my gain. My own daughter has a stepmother too, we have always been very close. My ex and his wife were always welcome to family functions and school events. I think my daughter has thrived from that. We can't have too many people love and look out for our kids! That is my motto. Your Jim needs to step up. This doesn't have to be a bad situation. Good luck to you and thanks for trying, many people don't.

Answer 8

first of all your husband should not be doing **** with her so if i were you i would not even consider that,second its perfectly fine for you to have a b day party for the kid at your house thats just what happens when you are divorced the kid does everything seperate.....christmas,b days,easter,ect....I would not let her wreck your marriage because she is bitter.Do not give her control because if you ever do you will never get it back and your marriage will suffer.I would tell your husband he should deal with her and set her strait not you unless she says something to your face.This is how it goes down at my house,my husband picks up his daughter halfway between her house and his she is not allowed to come onto our property.He does not speak to her unless its about the kid she does not call his phone they text message what time to pick up and what time to drop off.His daughter comes to our house on holidays and we do things the way we want to do them.I am not very involved with her school because in my situation i feel thats not my place,but its certainly not ok for ex es to go together.If she goes in her car and he goes in his and they happen to be there the same time thats fine.But the thing it boils down to is she is jealous and I would not worry about that because she is making herself miserable you don't have to let her make you miserable.There is alot to blended families and its hard work but if you work at it you can make it work.

Answer 9

no. you are not too involved. i, too, have stepchildren.and it is a good thing that you are involved, cause some of the ex-wives or ex-girlfriends are good for nothing no count slobs.