My marriage has come a longway but I still need more.?

Question

I have been married for nearly 2 years. My wife has come a long way she really has. I am in the military and it has been pretty difficult for each of us but, more for her than for me. She is beginning to take interest in some of the things that I like rather than only what she is into, but she is supposed to want to do that right. She acts as if her watching football or coming to a holiday party is the greatest thing done for humanity. If you care for someone then that is what you live for…taking care of them and everything…granted I don’t want her completely lose track of her self. But I want to feel as if our relationship is based on more than just me taking care of her. Is it wrong that I want her to treat me as I treat her? I feel like I am a not what she is most concerned about. I will make every attempt to make things as easy and convient as possible for her andI just don't see that in return. Is it wrong of me to expect that?

Answer 1

Marriage is a 50-50 street. If she is trying to do these things for you, watching football, etc. Then you need to take the time to do the things she loves. She needs to put herself first, before you, just like you need to do.
I did the same thing, did everything my husband wanted to do, when he wanted to do it and I felt like part of me was dying each day. I was slowly losing myself. We ended up divorcing, but I have to tell you, it was sooo worth it. I am back to my independent self. I feel sooo much better about myself. Its good to pamper her, but don't make her think that your marriage is all about her taking care of you.

Answer 2

First of all, thank you for your service! I too am a vet (AF) and my husband is a retired Marine. When he and I met and eventually decided to get married it is because we shared a common understanding of the complexities of military life.... It is very difficult to be married to someone who can not understand the demands of the military lifestyle etc....

It sounds however, that your problems are not really related to the military but rather she hasn't learn to "give" from the heart and take an interest in what you are interested in. it also sounds like she has a bit of growing up yet....the military has probably made you mature at a faster rate than she has.

Now lets flip the coin....are you giving the same things you are asking for? Are you expressing interest in her interests??

My suggestion would be to talk to her and explain your feelings to her. If you have talked until you're blue in the face, might I suggest you and she go get some counselling from one of your Chaplains? Perhaps you could just go talk to the Chaplain first, he may be able to offer some suggestions..... And don't worry, they do not tell your business....I always encouraged my Troops to go talk to them whenever they had concerns or issues that they needed a little bit of help with, and also take note, I never suggested my Troops do anything that I had not or would not do myself. Good Luck to you!

Answer 3

If you think a marriage has to be 50/50, you are going to be disappointed. I wish my husband would think of me first, before he thinks about himself, which is what I do for him, but it just doesn't happen. He tries and it lasts for a couple days, but he just goes back to the way he is used to. He is in the military, and being a military spouse is hard. Dealing with deployment and everything else that comes with it. Just the fact that she stands by your side through it all, supports you, writes you, sends you packages and phone cards, is there at the docks or the terminal when you get home, and ready to face another long time with out you when you get called out again, doesn't that count for something? You sacrifice a lot being a military spouse. We do it with love and pride, but it also takes effort and strong will. So, I think she does her part, and it's great that you treat her well, too.

Answer 4

Maybe you need to take a look at your self, often times its easy to blame the other people in our life for not quite doing enough. It sounds like she has tried to make concessions with what you enjoy doing, have you tried to do the same with her? Its a hard thing marriage, it takes a lot of work on both sides and compromise is the key word.

You may need to focus on what you can do to make yourself happier instead of counting on her to do it for you. Also we all need our own interests and hobbies, it gets too claustrophobic to be joined at the hip with a spouse all the time. Good luck.

Answer 5

Well, everyone has expectations, but to be honest it doesn't mean we necessarily should expect to receive and get them met for others.
I am sure you care about her and do all that you can, but it is always bad to set too much expectation on anyone.Why? because if you set standards you are making someone jump through hoops to please you.One of the greatest types of love is to be able to understand and appreciate the one you love for who they are and understand they are human just like you. They will make mistakes just as much as you.If you go expecting perfection in the end you will more than likely become very imperfect to them because of your habit of taking their best as not good enough.In other words, Lighten up Francis!! give things time to adjust, when your gone in the service, she is stuck on her own and has to re adjust when your back. not too easy I am thinking.

Answer 6

First you need to decide if your marriage has a future. What are your feelings and are you able to both give. If its a one way street, the sooner you end the marriage, the better.

If she is not willing to compromise, then you'll never be happy. You deserve better.

Answer 7

If you wanted you, you should have married yourself.

Marriage is about compromise, not personal expectations. Ask her if she's feeling like you contribute as much to the marriage as she does. I bet she says that she gives more. It's about understanding what's important to each other. Could be that she does things for you that you do not realize is important to her and she wishes you did it to her.

Ever try talking?

Answer 8

I happen to love football (BEARS), bf is Vikings fan, (poor baby)but my girlfriends do not and they don't like watching it with their bf or hubbies or their friends, you said earlier that she is beginning to take an interest in the things that you like, great! Progress not perfection, every relationship grows, evolves, give her some slack and time. She is with you right?

Answer 9

My suggestion is from my own experience right now. We are in therapy to help us communicate better. I've lost myself in this 3 yr 11mo relationship. I did what he wanted when he wanted it. I had interest of my own and hobbies when we met. He didn't like them. Told me if I wanted to keep him i had to give those up. (dancing with my g/f and kareokee) If I wanted to spend more time with him I found out quickly that by involving myself in HIS hobbies and interest got ME more attention. NOW after almost 4 years, I miss myself! I have NO life outside of HIM. He sometimes makes comments that I'm suffercating him. Well, let me have MY own interest and hobbies which will get me out of his space then. But he is too jealous for me to be OUT without him. (doing anything, even church functions bring on sarcasm from him once I get home making me feel guilty for going) I see you heading down this SAME path! STOP...if you wish to KEEP her. She is trying and making an effort. Football is gernerally a like or dislike sport. At least she is trying. Perhaps what you truly crave is her full attention. I know WE feel more secure with one another after communicating all these issues in therapy. (btw, is FREE at our church) Please don't expect your wife to be interested in MORE than football with you. Your still in the beginning of your marriage, you'll want time to yourself in 4 yrs but she'll be stuck at your HIP b/c that's what your thought you wanted. Thnk how she'll feel when you decide you were wrong and want her to "leave you be"? She'll think your not interested in HER anymore. Causes so many more problems down the road...good luck to you both! Thanks for serving our country! My son is in the Air Force...God Bless you!

Answer 10

Let her have her indiviuality. You have your individualtiy. What attracted you to her in the first place? Focus on those things. What attracted her to you? Emphasize those things...