She is a mom to a 1 year old boy and has worked from
almost day 1. she met this guy 6 months ago. He cant keep
a job. dont seem care if he works. acts like he is 18 not 29. wants to spend his time with friends and smoke pot.which too talked her into moving out which they of course dont have the money for
that. I kept the baby with me said it was better for him not to go out each morning in the cold at 4:30 she agreed. but its more
about his temper that he as shown. he hasnt used it toward my
daughter to the point of hitting but mostly to get his way. also tells
her he will leave and not come back so she gives in. all this
has caused so many fights between me and her. all her family
sees how he is. calls him a loser and dont think he will ever grow
up and keep a job. but my daughter dont see it this way. she
thinks he is just wonderful. right now she is choosing him over
her family and its killing me and i dont know what to do.
advice please
2006-12-14 07:12:09 · 30 answers · asked by destiny_mmm 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Support your daughter, and be there for your grandchild. Make your feelings known, but don't make that the bulk of every conversation with your daughter, or soon, there won't be any....
It is not your place to judge others, or your daughter's feelings. Reserve your judgements, and limit your criticisms to the facts.
At the same time, do not enable this person by loaning him (them) money, or things of that nature. If they should say they need money for food, instead, just buy them food.
In the end, one of two "truths" will emerge, either that this person has hidden qualities that so far, are only apparent to your daughter... (maybe he's great in bed, or he makes her feel special in other ways), or he is the loser you believe him to be, and she simply hasn't realized it yet.
2006-12-14 07:22:15 · answer #1 · answered by glassnegman 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds familiar....like me when i was around 19. It sounds like your daughter will take a lot from this guy....right now she is too emotionally weak to leave him, no matter what he does. This is what must happen (and it will cause your daughter pain, but removing a thorn from the flesh hurts), To build a foundation for your plan, your daughter must first begin to despise this guy (looks, attitude, whatever). If this guy has any physical flaws at all, bring them to your daughter's full attention. Next, he must leave her. it will hurt her...but without a little disgust for this guy already in place, they will get back together. If this was my daughter, i would show no mercy in splitting them up. Do what you must, if you know of any crimes he may be involved in, give an anonymous tip to the police; if you've got nothing on him...maybe even plant evidence. Find some girl that your daughter doesn't know to seduce him away from her. you can think of something...if you've got other people who hate this guy, that's all the more people who can help you. Set up a chance meeting with your daughter and some hot guy....let her see what she is missing. Be creative!
2006-12-14 07:32:39 · answer #2 · answered by Kalinka 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people unfortunately seem to insist on learning the hard way.
You need to tell that even if it's not your right to tell her what to do, that doesn't mean that what you are saying is factually incorrect.
Girls who have had either a bad, or nonexistent relationship with their fathers, seem to have this pattern.
This is the biggest reason I argue with those who say it doesn't matter if there are two parents in the home.
It matters.
It's too late to fix that problem, but just don't let them walk all over you. Get some good counseling, to help you with how to deal out some "tough love", but still be there for her and the baby if she really needs it.
Be careful. Lots of wife-beater wife-murderer stories start out this way.
2006-12-14 07:22:14 · answer #3 · answered by dork 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Quit being her crutch and lay down the law. Tell her in no uncertain terms that the boyfriend is no longer welcome in your home. Give her back the child and tell her you are through helping her until she dumps this guy. Then go to Children's Services and explain the situation, i.e., dope and illegal activities around the child, and if necessary have the child legally put in your custody. She'll pout and whine and may stay gone for some time. But, in the end she will thank you and the child will have a stable environment in which to grow.
2006-12-14 08:11:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is such a difficult situation. Having grown up kids myself, I know I would find it extremely difficult to watch my son or daughter in a similar situation. I have given this some thought. Why not write a rational, carefully worded letter to your daughter and copy it to her boyfriend. Then, for the record, you will have expressed your objection as a caring parent. You might word it this way:
Dear (daughter)
I know that you are now an adult and that you will make some life choices that are not necessarily what I would choose for you.
While I know it is not my place to criticize your choices, I would be remiss if I did not express some deep concerns over your relationship with (boyfriend)
While your boyfriend has not physically assaulted you, he nonetheless is abusing you emotionally and attempting to control you through angry outbursts. You place yourself in a dangerous situation if you continue to accept this behaviour from him.
As an adult, you need to be supporting yourself now and your baby. You are not in a position to be supporting another adult who is not working or helping to support your mutual living arrangements.
As your parent, I am concerned. I love you and will no longer interfere in your decisions, however, neither can I support your way of life.
Love,
your father
2006-12-14 07:29:46 · answer #5 · answered by Jo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't try to talk her out of the relationship, my mom tried to do that, it will just put a rift between you two. Instead, be patient and listen to her. Don't say anything bad, just keep saying that you are their for her if she needs you. I finally grew up and realized that he was no good for me and had my mother to lean on.
Sometimes it is better to take a back seat then trying to be in the middle seat. She has to learn this mistake on her own and you just be on stand by for her. I know it will be hard, it was hard for my mother, but she'll come around sooner or later. The only time I would get in between is if he starts to be abusive, but still tread lightly.
Men like that are like a drug, it takes time to break that BAD HABIT. It took me 6 years, hopefully it won't take your daughter that long. GOOD LUCK.
2006-12-14 07:24:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anna A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My sister was the same way. Had a guy who she loved but abused her verbally. Telling her if she left him that no one else would want her. Your daughter like my sister has low self-esteem. My sister finally got out of the situation, but she had to hit rock bottom first. I know that this is har but you have to leave her alone. Let her make her own mistakes, let her run into that brick wall and see with her own eyes that he is no good. She will get tired of spending her hard earn money on taking caring him and her child. She will realize that he is just using her. She has to want to leave him, she has to see it for herself. You can talk, and cry, and argue until you are blue in the face. It still will not help. When my mom had this problem with my sister, she had to let her go. But whenever my sister got in trouble my mom was her safe haven. You have to stop doing that too. Yes Mother's are always suppose to be there for thier children and my Mom tells me that I will not understand until I have children, but...there is a song that says "Don't save her she don't want to be save" Maybe you daughter does not want to be saved yet. Just wait on it be patient. If you are religious prey about it.
2006-12-14 07:23:48 · answer #7 · answered by Danielle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was there once before. Unfortunately, until she's ready to move on, there isn't anything you can do or say that will change her view on him. I will say my family just gave me advice when I asked, but until I was through with him, did they tell me their true opinions. They stood by me 100% and I think that's all you can do. My mother did always, and still does, tell me that I deserve the best, and shouldn't settle for what someone else thinks I deserve. That's the best thing to do, keep in her ear about how great she is and how she deserves the best of the best, sooner or later it will sink in. She's young, so of course she doesn't always think you know whats best for her and her baby. It will work its self out, Mom. You just be there for her when she needs you!
2006-12-14 07:21:43 · answer #8 · answered by shondak 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will realize that she's making a huge mistake by being involved in a relationship with someone who isn't giving her any respect and is extremely lazy! I understand that you want to be there for your daughter and tell her the truth about her boyfriend, but she needs to admit that she's making a huge mistake! Hopefully, your daughter will learn a valuable lesson so she won't repeat the same mistake again! Your daughter and her son deserve so much better than that!
2006-12-14 07:19:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really want to get involved, just be nice to him. Invite them over, out to eat, with you on trips. If He wants to hide and hang with his friends, she'll still want to spend time with you sometimes. If he doesn't participate they will break up, if he does participate, he will have a good man figure as an example of what a man/friend should be.
In any case, you will get your daughter. Remember, don't talk to her bad about him. If anyhting, ak if he's getting better or if there's anything you can do to make things better.
Remember, be loving. Whoever this is is in her heart . . . don't mistreate her heart.
2006-12-14 07:26:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋