my husband says he doesn't love me as much as he use to?

Question

we have had a very difficult year.Jan cat run over, Feb car accident, March miscarriage, April, I lost my job May went New York had terrible fight with the relative now he won't talk to us - terrible holiday!June surviving cat had bad sores in her mouth possibly be cancer, July Insurance Company won't pay for the cat costing ££££, Aug mother nearly died from bleeding internally, Sep we got a dog which has turned into a very difficult, Oct the car broke down cost £££ Nov internal complaint at work Dec husband wrote to his ex fiancee i lost my temper really heated argument husband now saying he doesn't feel he loves me as much as he did. I'm 4 weeks preg i don't knowa lot about men - do you think this is just reaction from the whole year oddly enough having said this he is now being really nice cooking me meals should i leave him in his cage - whole men are from mars - or should i keep talking about it to get him get the love back. Friendly messages only please very distressed

Answer 1

Goodness, a lot of stess going on this year, enough to make anyone scream or go nuts. Hey, take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Your husband loves you dear. Otherwise he would be long gone after the year you both just had. Really, many men are just weak that way and leave at the first sign of distress, some can be such babies that way, and they think WE are the weaker sex. lol

Seriously, relationships go through phases, and the first blush of love, the part where you feel like you are "in love" is only the initial stage. If you both understand that every relationship has its ups and downs, that no long term relationship is always going to be "on" then you can be prepared for these downs times and be happy when the up times come back. There will be times when one or the other or even both of you will think you don't love the other one at all any more. It is only a temporary thing, if you both let it be. If you just jump right out the door, like so many shallow people these days, then your marriage is doomed anyway.

Listen, marriage, real committed long term marriage, is not a stagnet "thing", rather is is a living entity all its own, and as such it will have many different moods so to speak. Also, as a living entity it has needs which must be met in order to stay healthy and vibrant. So many people speak of how fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, but seldom remember that the other fifty percent stay married. So, the question is, why do half choose to stay committed through all the hard difficult times when ohters just throw in the towl and call it quits?

Because so many people just don't know how to be married. They are selfish individuals who are out for themselves, don't give of themselves and are committed to number one. A marriage is two people working as a team, a partnership, and it is true that they are one. One in purpose, one in deeds, one in needs. When both parties work towards making sure the needs of the other is always met, forsaking their own needs for the welfare of their spouse, then both get their needs met on a consistant manner, just by the other. Which means we have to put aside our own selfish interests and put our spouses needs first. If both are consistantly doing this every moment of every day, and understand that bad times, hard times, difficult times, are the ones which can either pull us apart are push us together, then we can decide with a clear head what it is we want out own to do.

I know of couples who have burried a child and their relationship was burried with that child, and other parents who burried a child and their relationships became the stronger for all the grief they shared together. Nobody can understand the loss of a child like another parent, so the parents who share that loss can grieve together if they choose.

I have used the word "choose" several times here, on purpose. It IS a choice wether or not our relationships will thrive or die. If takes two to keep a marriage strong and healthy but only one to pull it apart. If one is not doing his/her responsibility towards the other, if one is taking while the other is giving, then resentments are born and they will fester and kill all the love. That is when love turns to hate, and hate to harm, and finally to the true opposite of love which is indifference. As long as you have emotion within your marriage then there is hope it can be salvaged. However, it takes two as I said before.

The marriages which last are those which contain two who understand life does not always bring happiness and that life is rather like a rollercoaster with its ups, downs, twists and turns, adn those who follow those ups, downs, twists and turns, and just flow with them understanding that at some point you are going to be on top again, then those downs, are just not so bad to endure any longer. Each time a new hardship is weathered the bond is deepened and the love grows ever more abiding.

I know as I have been in a long term marriage and it was wonderful. I lost him to death, and was a widowed mother of eight for ten years before I finally was "found" by my current husband. I honestly believed I would be a single woman the rest of my life, just living with my children and grandchildren and family and friends, and was perfectly ok with that thought. However, I was lucky enough to have a second love in my lifetime and I grasped it with both hands and am now very happy. I know what it takes to sustain a long term marriage and so does my husband. We entered a Covenent Marriage, which is much more difficult to disolve in our state.

What does your husband need right now? Find out what it is he needs and start finding a way to meet those needs. The only person you have control over is yourself, so if you change how you respond and how you treat him, he will respond back in return. It will not be instatanious but it will have a positive result, trust me. He loves you and has needs you can and should meet. Put your own needs aside for now and concentrate on his. Soon he will see how differently you are towards him, how considerate you are and he WILL respond to it.

Write down the twenty things, traits, about your husband which caused you to fall in love with him in the first place, then write down the things which you find attractive today. While some may be different, and some may drop off the second list to be replaced with new items you have discovered over the years, you will feel renewed in your relationship with him and it will empower you to treat him more gently, with more compassion and understanding. Think of how life would be without him, really without him, like if a police office just showed up at your door and told you he was in a fatal accident. Think of what life would be devoid of your husband and then get back to loving him.

I applaud you for wanting to work this through, and I strongly believe your marriage will be one of those who is in the fifty percent which ends in a life time of memories, and a deep abiding love which survives through the worste of times and sustains you through them as well.

Good luck, though if you make the choice it won't be luck but your own hard work which keeps your marriage happy and healthy, and vibrant and alive. Have a good day and a happy holliday too.

Answer 2

Considering all you have been through plus the fact you are pregnant should have made you both want to support each other and work at life's many downfalls, if you had been in a strong and stable relationship with each other that would have happened.

It seems to me that on the first sign of trouble your husband becomes selfish, tactless and very inconsiderate to your feelings. Once the love has gone what's the point and writing to his ex just shows his lack of respect for you as his wife,

All of this is just my opinion but however hard it may be I think that if he doesn't love you like he should now he never will do, and why should you waste your life on a man like that anyway, love never works when it's one sided and you'll wind up being a very disappointed female always hoping he'll be able to love you properly.

Enjoy your baby in a stress free environment.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear all of that. The fact is that life is full of surprises, good or bad, we do not shy away from them cuz they always going to be there anyway. If he's bailing out now, he's not a good husband and someone need to kick him in the head to help him get some sens. The hard life hit you, the stronger that should make you as a couple. Just for heaven's sake, think that someone some else right now is having it worse than you two and they probably still together. the bottom line is that angels who are saving you from the worse that could have happened still there and everything should be as positive as you can decide them to be. Talk to your hubby and be firm and get some answer from him that would put your life together in the map or not, either way, you have to be ready to live life to the fullest. NO WORRIES!!!

Answer 4

Boy you have had a bad year, but that is life isn't it. As for your husband it sounds like he is trying to make amends a bit anyway by doing things for you both IE: cooking, being nice. But the fact that he did write to and ex fiance should be addressed and discussed as should this statement he made. Communication is number 1 in all relationships and you need to talk with him and he back to you in a mature and honest fashion. Perhaps the stress of all that you've experienced in the last year has caught up with him and he is ready to jump off a bridge or go looking for a short rope and a high tree (kidding of course). But with so much bad luck this year you two deserve some good luck and hopefully you can resolve this issue between yourselves. However, if it is apparent that things are not being discussed as openly as they should then perhaps you may need to seek some form of couples relationship help from a counselor or a therapist. Best of luck with this situation and do continue talking with your mate and try to rekindle the love that seems to be waning.

Answer 5

Hi coffebean first of all see your gp (female if possible) you poor girl dont despair .Think of all the sympathetic friends you now have on line we can help .I know the symtoms of early depression as a sufferer but you cant go there the sooner you talk to gp the better .Atleast this year is nearly over and a new start on the way . Not all men are bad (me male 46) Good luck with new baby new baby new luck .May i wish you and yours a Very merry Irish xmas happy new year stay in touch if you wish .GodBless you

Answer 6

Please don't nag him. Communicate little here and there. Ususally you will know when he want to talk a bit he will start it off. God bless you you have had a bad time ,but a lot of men fall out of love because of stress in the relationship sorry to say. Show him love and try to pray thay God give you the wisdom to get the love back you have lost. Don't give up hope it can come back with lots---of work. Reduce stress as much as you can, no nagging, If he like lot of sex try to give it to him men are having lots of problem with women not putting out. Make him feel like a king in his castle. If you relax he make start to make your house a home to want to come to. Clean, food, not a lot of talking for those guy that don't like much of that. Sexy outfits for him only, lose wait if possible, smell like his favorite candy, take off his shoes when he comes home give him a beerand the remote and let him have some husband quiet time. No bills, problems etc until after his time is up, run some bath water put his favorite pj out or robe turn the game on in the bathroom. Buy him a suprise gift when he comes home from work and when he says whats this for u say for the gretest husband in the world smile and leave to another room. God bless you again darling

Answer 7

After everything the two of you have gone through I am surprised you are not divorced. Give him a break and take what he said with a grain of salt. I am sure he did not mean it he was just venting in his own way. I do believe that the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. I am sure with all that has been going on he is feeling just as much pressure as yourself. Just cut yourselves some slack and make a wonderful dinner, light some candles and rekindle that flame. We all have problems and I am sure that God does not give us more then we can handle and I would bet the two of you can handle just about anything at this point. I would bet he feels badly about what he said to you and is trying to make it up to you in his own way by cooking. Forgive him and love one another and try not to take this past year out on each other after all soon you will have another little one that will create a whole new set of issues. Best wishes to the both of you.

Answer 8

Been married 19 yrs, had a very stressful couple of years, and this summer, my husband said he loved me but wasn't 'in love with me anymore and left me and my 3 kids..... i was so distressed. \was told by friends to leave him etc, but i love him with all my heart, so i waited. Once he had had time to sort himself out, he realised what he was giving up, and 3 months later came back home....and admitted that it was everything else that had pushed him over the edge, and having to cope with a relationship with me and a family, was too much. We are now happily back together, and he vow's to share his worries and upsets with me in the future, so waht i am trying to say is .... after the terrible year you have both had, it may just all be too much, and women are better at coping with men, try to talk to him, and don't try to analyze too much too soon, as things get easier, he will realise that his feelings for you are not the REAL problem.... thinking of you, and good luck x

Answer 9

Sounds like you've had an awful year maybe he just said what he did in the heat of the moment, try and talk to him about it, there's no point giving up on a relationship without trying to work it through (especially if you've a baby on the way). You sound like you've given him time to cool down so now give him the chance to explain what he said and/or apologise - Good Luck

Answer 10

This sounds like he may just be taking out his frustrations of the whole year. If he is cooking you dinner and being really nice to you he probably feels bad for what he said. Remember, Love is an action and a choice...it's not always a feeling that we feel.

Answer 11

This is a difficult situation. You don't want to force him to love you if he doesn't love you anymore. That action will only drive him further away.

If I were you, I would have a serious talk about your relationship with him. If he doesn't open up, seek a professional to help open up the communication between the two of you.

Another thing, don't stress out too much, it's not good for your unborn child.