My 10 yr old son hits and verbally abuses my family!!?

Question

Please help - my oldest child has been in and out of therapy for 6 years. I seriously think he may be bipolar. He gets extremely frustrated, VERY EASILY - and beats his little brother all the time.

He verbally abuses me on a daily basis - yesterday I took it for about 4 hours until I finally snapped and couldn't bite my lip anymore (that is what his counselor told me to do b/c he's just trying to get a rise out of me).

His little brother has become a very aggressive child and this situation has gotten out of hand. Their father ignores what's happening and keeps buying them things to mask the issue.

Help!!!:
1) How do I keep my child from hitting / verbally abusing my other child?
2) How do I get respect from my child?
3) How do I keep this from affecting my youngest child?
4) How do I get an ex-husband to step up to the plate and be a father???

I should also say that he has been diagnosed as ADHD, but REFUSES to take medication. How do you force a child to take a medication?

Answer 1

You are the parent. Be one. You sound like the parents I see everyday, not wanting to do anything but cater to the kids. What is going to happen in a couple of years when your 10 year old is 14 and bigger than you? He will see you as being small and weak, like he sees his brother now, and will turn his abuse on to you. Not just verbal, but physical. I promise you he will, unless you stop it now.

The way you stop it, and I don't want to hear from the bleeding hearts, is take the boy and knock the crap out of him. He needs to see what pain is and what he is doing to his brother. You will only have to do it once. If this is too extreme for you, ground his butt to his room for an extended period of time. Take all of the extra crap (video games, phone, tv, radio) out of his room and leave him with books.

You say the boy has been in and out of therapy for 6 years and you "THINK" he is bi-polar? After 6 years, the therapist should be able to make some ruling on this. I think he/she is just collecting your cash and stringing you along.

If you are asking question #2, then that shows me that you are still showing your 10 year old respect, even though he does not deserve it at this point. Stop showing him any respect until he can learn to respect you and your home. Respect is earned, not given freely.

If your ex isn't being a father now, he never will be. He is only making the situation tougher on you. You have to be both roles. I'm sorry if these things are too straight forward, but it is a reality you have to face.

What did you do when you snapped? Yelled at him? Yelling does nothing for a kid, except show him that yelling is fine to do.

I am so tired of every kid today being diagnosed as ADHD or bi-plar or unruly. They are kids. They are going to act out. But in your case, I think he needs to be actaully sent away for a period of time for some INTENSE therapy. Not a once a week visit that does him no good and costs you money every week for nothing.

You should have set a standard at an early age, and even though you didn't, not all hope is lost. You can still get him straightened out. It will take time, and patience, but if you are willing to go through with it and be strong in your efforts, it will be worth it.

Your youngest has already been affected. If he is turning into an agressive child, he is only mimicing his brother and sees that his brother is not punished, so why should he, too, not worry about the consequences?

Answer 2

In and out of therapy for six years. Get him into good long lasting counselling and your husband too. He is enabling your child to act this way. Sometimes when kids think that no one cares, as his father obviously does not, they continue to act out thinking that no one cares because if they did they would do something about it. I don't agree with just sittings back and biting your tongue when he obviously needs to be desciplined and now. He is old enough to know that he is responsible for his actions and must suffer the consequences that come with them. If you took this kind of behavior for 4 hours, you become part of the problem as the kid is thinking you could care less either, even though you do more then he will ever know. You need to talk to a different therapist and learn to put your foot down and not accept this behavior from him. Make him apologize each and every time he hits his younger brother and you. Do not let him get away with it. There is a difference between beating your son and spanking him for bad behavior. The only other choice is to send him to live with his Dad until his Dad sees the need to also stop this behavior.

Answer 3

You have been taking all the abuse for last 6 yrs which tells me either u have not informed your family from India whats going on or your family either they r not financially sound or you think if u leave your husband u can not support your self or your family not gonna support u if u go back. If u r in USA for that much time either u should have green card by sure or may be citizenship and u also have a son so question that he is doing this to u cause u can't give him kid is not there so whats reason he is doing that? is it due to lack of money or he have to marry u cause his parents have forced him to marry u or some body else is in his life there r lot of questions need to be answered. But whatever reason may be he is doing wrong first thing u do is let your family know what u r going through may be his too then if u r not educated and u think u can not survive here your best bet may be going back to India but make sure if u call 911 which is phone # here to call for help and tell operator what u r going through its good idea to have someproof like record his voice when threatening u or some pictures with the camera phone of the body parts if u abuses u. my heart goes to you and your son best of luck.

Answer 4

His mental illness is no excuse for his bad behavior. Make sure he gets punished when he acts out. DO NOT HIT (hitting a child is ALWAYS WRONG - it sends the wrong message) have him stand in a dark corner and he has to stay there for at least 30 minutes after every misdeed. Also take away priviliges like TV or food that he likes.

He will be forced to respect you when he understands that his acting out will cost him. If he abuses you verbally for 4 hours, then he has to stand in the corner all day, and all day the next day, and all day the next day - no TV, and he only gets to leave the corner to go to the bathroom (make him eat in the corner too away from the family)

You need to protect your younger child from the older boy. When he hits his brother, you've got to stop him.

If he acts out in an especially violent way, you might want to have a closet that can be locked from the outside, with no light inside. That "isolation cell" would be very scary for a 10 year old, especially if he doesn't know when he's going to be let out.

Don't put him in there for more than 30 minutes - and, no matter what you do, or how much he whines or screams, he can't come out until YOU feel like letting him out!

But don't do that for mone than once a day - it will mess with his head.

Make your son understand, YOU are the parent and HE is the child, he has to do as you say, and if not he will be punished.

Not physicaly, but by isolation.

As for your ex husband - you cannot make him be a good parent -if he doesn't want to help with your sons, there is no way you can make him do it! A lot of men withdraw from their special needs children, that might be what he's doing here.

Worst case scenario, take your son to a psychiatrist and get him put on some ADHD medication (ritilin ect) - those medicines are overprescribed in America today, but your son might need to be medicated.

Answer 5

For one, if the father is turning his back to the issue your son may see that as approval of this behavior. Is the father an agressive person? If so, this behavior is a learned behavior and you have a rough road ahead. Has the therapist prescribed any medication. Some anti-depressants can level out the mood swings that cause agressive behaior, but this is of course a last resort.

It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done on your part. Somehow the father is going to have to step in and lend some assistance.

Also, have you had them tested for food allergies or hypo-glasemia? Sometimes unknown dietary disorders can be the root cause of emotional problems.

It sounds like you have been taking measures to find the problem, so these suggestions may not be anything new. I wish you the best in this struggle. There may be some support groups in your area for parents who are dealing with the same issues. If there are, you may be able to find some help through talking to others who are, or have been in your shoes.

Good luck!

Answer 6

You do have big problems. That ostrich of an ex- husband is not helping you, either. But he is not living with the problem. Maybe you should tell him that if he doesn't step up to the plate, you'll send the boy to him to raise? This IS affecting your younger child. No doubt about it. Your older boy has emotional problems and needs to be on medication to help him. Get a good PSYCHIATRIST (as opposed to a pschyologist or therapist) who can prescribe medications. I think your son sounds mentally ill, but his diagnosis is very important and you need a good doctor. Are you sure he isn't autistic?

Answer 7

FIRST- IF U CAN- SEPARATE YOUR KIDS FOR A WHILE- SEND YOUR LITTLE KID TO GRANNY FOR COUPLE OF WEEKS. THEN TOOK AWAY ALL THE THINGS THAT YOUR ABUSIVE KID LIKES- PLAYSTATION, TV ETC. SIT AND TALK TO HIM- TELL HIM THAT HE HAS TO EARN THEM BACK BY BEHAVING. SET CLEAR AND EASY -TO-UNDERSTAND RULES. EACH TIME HE BREAKS THEM- PUNISH HIM BY TAKING SMTH AWAY. FIND HIM THINGS TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE- CLEANING HIS ROOM, DRYING THE DISHES, SETTING THE BOOKS IN ORDER ETC. THINGS TO KEEP HIM BUSY. SHOW HIM CLEARLY, WITHOUT YELLING WHO IS THE BOSS IN THE HOUSE. YOU CAN STOP HIS POCKET MONEY ALSO.
TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS YOU HAVE TO TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND HE MUST COLABORATE. EVERYTHING WILL BE SENCELESS IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE. HE HAS TO STOP BUYING HIM STUFF. HE HAS TO BE ON YOUR SIDE. TOTALLY. YOU CAN'T SHOW ANY WEAKNESS TO YOUR SON, COS HE WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. I KNOW IT IS HARD TO ACT LIKE THAT TOWARDS YOUR OWN CHILD, BUT THERE'S NO OTHER WAY. YOU HAVE TO BE TOUGH! AND YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE WITH YOU AND SUPPORT YOU. ONCE YOU HAVE SOME CHANGE IN HIM, BRING BACK YOUR YOUNGER CHILD HOME. LET THE RULES ARE ON FOR HIM ALSO. THAT MUST HELP. I CAN WRITE A LOT MORE BUT I GOTTA GO.

Answer 8

I cannot answer all those question but just hypothesizing he has a disorder is not fair for either you, your family and especially for your little troubled guy.
For the best interest of all of you it would be advised if you take him to a special program and get him evaluated.
Once they come up with what he is going through they will give you specific guidelines as to how to deal with him and his frustrations.

Just by your description his behavior sounds more of a child's with conduct disorder than bipolar.
Please seek help!
Good luck

Answer 9

don't keep buying him things, he needs some consequences, when he misbehaves. when he is good reward him. u don't reward a bad child. set limits, take away the thing he loves the best, in case it doesn't work, let him take a tour of the jail, show him what his llife can become like. there are no consequences for him, and no punishments for being bad, so he will never learn right from wrong.

Answer 10

you need to remove the child from the home and seek professional medicla help. and i'm not saying this because of something you did wrong, but you need a break. and it sounds as if the oldest is becoming a physical threat to your youngest. and get a new counselor. as far as the ex-husband goes, you can't make any male a man. it doesn't work. either they are one....or they aren't.