I've been dating my boyfriend for several years now. I am divorced with a child. His parents don't approve of us dating and haven't since the beginning. They decided this before they even got to know me just because I am divorced. They feel according to the bible that since I'm divorced that I would be an adulterous if I remarry. They stand firm in their decision. When I'm around they treat me as if I'm not there. I'm never invited to any family things. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage. WOuld it be wrong of me to make him choose me or them? WHat should I do?
2006-12-14 05:24:06 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If he marries you and or is sharing your bed then he absolutely has to make a stand. If he doesn't do that at this point then you will always be second fiddle to the family and their beliefs.
Sounds like they ae Jw's. You might want to reconsider getting involved with the family anyway.
2006-12-14 05:27:50 · answer #1 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Some people use the Bible as if it was a club to beat other people with. It's not. It's God's love letter to humankind, to help us find the Way. If his parents are Bible believers then they should know that the God of the Bible is all about forgiveness, compassion, love, restoring broken people and rebuilding broken lives, and treat your neighbor the way you would like to be treated. It would be wrong of you to "make" your boyfriend choose between you and his family. Whatever the outcome, he would always resent you for it. The right thing would be if your boyfriend had the balls to stand up to his family and say "this is the woman I love, she's the best part of my life, either lovingly accept her into the family as my wife or we are outta here". Unfortunately for you, that has to come from his heart, you can't make him do it. Sorry. Good luck and God bless you!
2006-12-14 13:59:13 · answer #2 · answered by nachtmann2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would not help out your relationship making him choose between you and his family. If possible try and sit down with his people and have a good heart to heart and explain that things just didn't work out your first time around but that should not be any reason for them to judge you. Speak with them respectfully and hopefully they will appreciate the fact that you have the backbone to approach them. But your boyfriend needs to speak with his people also and tell them to have an open mind regarding his choice of mates. If you have been seeing this man for several years and are not invited to family functions this is not good for your relationship, your child's self worth etc. Hopefully they will do the Christian thing (so I've heard) and accept you for who you are and what you have experienced. Best of luck and maybe the pair of you should sit down with his parents and discuss this as a couple rather than individually. Do whichever you feel best with. Keep in mind also how this must affect your little one also.
2006-12-14 13:34:50 · answer #3 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you and your boyfriend are adults it is not up to them. You will never change the way they feel about their religious beliefs. Do not make him choose, he will resent you later for that should anything go wrong.
People like that will stay married for the next 50 years and on their death bed will reveal how miserable they were all those years but stayed because the bible told them to.
If your boyfriend is scared to commit then move on. Just be polite to them and don't ever be rude. Hold your head high; being divorced is not a stigma in this day and age. They are the ones that need to get a clue.
Good luck.
2006-12-14 13:35:50 · answer #4 · answered by Belize69 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should not make him choose. He loves you and he loves his parents and you can't fault them for their religious beliefs. At least they have some (many don't these days). What you have to do is talk to your bf and see how he feels about marrying you, knowing that his parents will never accept you and your child into their family. He is the one who is going to suffer here if on Christmas, they won't let him bring you over. He will have to stay with you (when you are married, the husband "forsakes all others" and clings to his wife). Make sure he understands that. If they don't accept you, he has to celebrate Christmas with them on another day alone because you will be with him on Christmas, etc. He can visit his folks without you, but unless they accept you (they don't have to approve to be civil and friendly), and unless he agrees to be by your side on holidays and big events, you cannot marry him. He has to take a stand with them and tell them he loves you and will marry you and hopes they can be kind to you, otherwise they will see less of him. If he is willing to marry you, stay by you, and see his parents privately or insist you be allowed to accompany him, then it should be okay.
2006-12-14 13:48:21 · answer #5 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If they are religious people they shouldn't be judgmental as it says in the bible. Also if you where married through the church many believe you are being married through the eyes of god. Which makes you breaking the laws of the bible. But its not up to his family to make his choices. Its really up to him if he is really ready to make that commitment and for you are you sure you want to get married again. Is this a for sure marriage or are you going to end up divorced again? Maybe that might be a concern for his family because they want to see him happy and not a second husband for someone else who is not ready to do it all over again.
2006-12-14 13:43:14 · answer #6 · answered by smartypants 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't make him chose- that is not fair to him, his family, or any children you two might have together, including the child you already have. If your boyfriend truly loves you, and your past does not concern him, it will be up to him to convince his family that you are the one. If they still can't accept it, then he'll have to decide whether or not it's worth hanging on to the relationship. You should in no way be condemmed or looked down on for being divorced; with or without children. I wish you the very best.
2006-12-14 13:28:08 · answer #7 · answered by Jennalove311 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't make your boyfriend choose you over his family & vice-versa. He has to make that choice himself. But if he knows and realizes how his family treats you, then maybe his decision won't be on the negative side towards you. Have you tried talking to his family about how they treat you? Or even talk to your boyfriend about it? I guess all I can suggest is to stick things out. If you marrying your boyfriend is such a big deal to his family, who cares? It's him you love... they don't have to approve.
2006-12-14 14:05:02 · answer #8 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His parents don’t have to approve of you and a lot of parents don’t approve of their children’s significant other (for whatever reason). You’ve said nothing to indicate that they’re mistreating you other than they don’t invite you to family things (but you're not yet family, are you?) and they ignore you when you’re around. Frankly, it could be a lot worse. The bottom line is if you FORCE him to choose between you and his family, he’s likely going to end up resenting you for that.
2006-12-14 13:39:18 · answer #9 · answered by kp 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U, as a respectable human being are not entitled to make him choose. Yet, you are entitled to demand him to stand up for you if he really loves you. Ultimatums are never good, and tend to snowball on us. Also remember that your not going to marry them! I'm sure he loves you if he speaks of marriage, but he needs to stand up for you as well. His family may never approve of you, that OK... your not with them, you are with him. Respect their opinions, but overlook the stereotypical thinking of others. It could ruin who and what you are, as well as how your future can turn out. If it bothers you that your not invited to family functions, realize that they are the ones missing out, not you.
Also, being married prior him, is not a bad thing. They are not aware of the exact situations. The question everyone needs to ask is ... "Who are we to judge anyone?" BTW.... It will blow over, give it time. Been dealing with similar situation for 5 years now - His mother's a pastor! I don't let it get to me anymore. I love my man, that's all that counts.
2006-12-14 13:45:44 · answer #10 · answered by bbygirl529 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋