2006-12-14 05:17:49 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Hi Karen,
It doesnt matter whether you are married to him or not that is totally irrelevant. What does matter is what you can do now to change things. It is not easy for anyone to walk away from a relationship even if there is violence. The need to love and be loved is strong in all human beings even those who say otherwise.
I have known people who are stuck in the cycle of abuse and I know that some of them will never leave their man. They may even die at his hands. Pthers will leave and return several times before finally leaving. Domestic violence is very common. Much more so than most people realise.
If he was going to change it would have happened by now. He is stuck in his behaviour and it wont change now. Your only real option is to leave him. If you have children it is imperative that you take them with you. Do not leave children with a violent person.
There is help for people who are trying to leave a violent relationship. There are counsellors who can offer you the emotional support you need while so that you can plan to leave him and then help sort out what to do once you have left him and how to reclaim your life.
There are womens shelters and refuges in many communities through Australia where you can be safe and get some extra support for yourself while you sort out how to get some income, where you will eventually live, and begin to recover from your abuse.
If you need some help to get to a womens shelter there is help available. Firstly if you do leave him you can plan to do so at a time that is less volatile. Leave him while he is out or at work. If he is with you 24/7 as some abusers are simply wait till you are in a large public area and tell him you need to go to the ladies then duck off in a different direction and go to your nearest police station, counselling service, or women and girls health centre if you have one in your area. This may not be as easy as it first sounds I know and it means you are walking away with nothing but what you stand up in. Don't worry there are ways to get the things you need after you leave him.
You can talk to some counsellors on the phone and they can help you plan in more detail how to leave him and what to do. Try calling Lifeline, Anglicare, Salvation Army, St Vincents De Paul, your local Womens Health Centre, or the Police. They are all in the phone book.
I know that leaving is not easy and it means so many big changes in your life but it is possible and a better life is possible. You do deserve to be safe.
2006-12-14 06:04:03 · answer #1 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Find a way to leave him. I understand that some people are in relationships in which their abusive partner threatens them with serious beatings or murder if they leave. If this is you, seek out a women's shelter and make a break for it when he isn't there. Have you ever contacted the police? If so, have they been helpful? From what I understand, sometimes they are helpful, and sometimes they are not. If you haven't contacted the police, and you feel as if this is something you might want to do, do so immediately after he hits you if it is possible. Is there any way you could flee to your local law enforcement agency when this happens? I don't know the severity of your situation. If he is the kind to stalk you, then you need to be very careful. Does he permit you do go anywhere? Think of all the instance you may have during any given day to escape, and have a plan for when one of those instances arrives. For example, if you do the grocery shopping or other errands. Leave one day to go to the store and don't come back (leave some clothes in your trunk so they are ready to go), but have a safe haven to go to. I've never been in your situation, and I don't claim to know everything, but I hope this helps. Just think of any time you are away from could be your chance.
2006-12-14 05:27:20 · answer #2 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope you realize that you must leave him. the sooner the better.
You need to call a woman's abuse line or check it out on the Internet (dont do it at home though. go to a friends house or to the library). they are specifically trained to help you get out of the situation and stay out. if you leave by yourself, there's a big chance you're gonna go back to him (especially if its been 20 years!). Since it has been twenty years I assume you're a mature woman who knows shat he is doing is wrong. No matter how much you love him, there are some things you CAN"T overlook, and abuse is definitely one of them. You've already given this man 20 years, and now you need to start your life with someone who doesn't hit you. TRUST ME, there are wonderful men out there that would never even think about doing what your man is doing, and you will find one. Just get out of this relationship while you still can. He will never change no matter what he says or how sorry he feels after. Call the helpline as soon as you can!
2006-12-14 05:32:38 · answer #3 · answered by brightesteye2004 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He will NEVER change--especially after 20 years. Love is usually not enough to hold a relationship together--there must also be mutual respect, compassion, and consideration between people. He obviously is not capable of these emotions. If he really loved you, unconditionally, he would never hurt you. You are a human being and DO NOT deserved to be treated as less--which is what has been going on for 20 years. GET OUT!! There are organizations out there that can help you--good luck.
2006-12-14 05:22:50 · answer #4 · answered by Maybalee 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can not believe you have stayed for this long. This man does not love you, he loves the fact that he can control you.
Think about yourself, it sounds like you have low self esteem and that is why you stay.
You deserve better than that. Also think about this, one day he may hit you and not stop and you will be another statistic of a woman killed by abuse.
GET OUT NOW... go to a shelter if you dont have family but leave and dont look back, there is someone better out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve.
2006-12-14 05:21:16 · answer #5 · answered by schally31 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
20 years is a long time and men don't change. I respect the fact that you love him and there may be other reasons why you feel "trapped" and you don't feel like you can leave. But you need to understand the danger to you and those around you. These situations always end badly and you need to think about yourself, your family, any children and so forth. The best thing to do is get support for yourself first. Call a counseling service for Domestic Violence in your area. Be specific and honest with them and they will give you good advice. I know this isn't easy for you, but it is easy to get help. I wish you the best.
2006-12-14 05:22:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to leave him NOW. I don't know the specifics of your situation but if you don't have someone to turn to their are shelters and groups that can help you get start over. Hopefully you live or are near a large city with access to these.
If there are children involved..they don't need to witness the abuse either. Your spouse needs help and he might not ever change. This has been going on TOO long and right now is the time to put an end to it.
Good luck!
2006-12-14 05:24:36 · answer #7 · answered by Edisto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I think the ressentiment of love you may have is more compasion than love. It is not OK to hit anyone it is in fact a crime punishable by law. Nobody should have to live whith that never it is not the reason we have been born for. I think If you really think you love him and he love you try to talk sit down and be dead serious about it if he don't stop he don't love you. You surely deserve better than that as a woman. And there is someone somewere that deserve your love better tahn he does.
don't let him get away with this it is a crime and it should stop now.
2006-12-14 05:22:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess you wouldn't be asking the question on here if he was just fooling around with you. I would leave him if he's become violent. Although I've slapped at hubby before but that was only the time he was telling me over how I don't do anything around the house when I was right in the middle of cleaning it up. And I didn't hit him hard or leave any marks just kinda slapped at him and pushed him so I don't think that really counts as abuse...he wasn't really being very respectful of me either saying I don't do anything when I was doing it and he was just sitting around doing nothing!
2006-12-14 05:23:28 · answer #9 · answered by trishay79 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
By "my fella" do you mean husband or long-time boyfriend? If you mean long-time boyfriend then walk away and leave the loser that continues to beat you and treat you like crap. If he is your husband and you intend to stay true to your vows then he needs to be reported. Yes, he may see jail time, but it is worth it for you to stop being hurt. No one deserves to suffer that kind of torment for any period of time, especially 20 years. I would recommend having him see a therapist, but if it has been going on for 20 years that most likely will not help.
2006-12-14 05:21:10 · answer #10 · answered by Mike 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋