How to handle wife's weight gain?

Question

My wife has gained 20 pounds with each child (we have 3) and hasn't lost any of the weight. She used to be 140 and now is over 200 pounds. On the other hand I was 240 when married and am now a healthy 185lbs.

I've tried to go on a diet with her (how I lost my weight) and offered to exercise with her but she insists she doesn't have the will power I do. Or she tells me it's just easier for men to lose weight. She will only stay on a diet for a week or less.Even worse she binges before going on a diet because she wants to get her last goodies in.

I never thought I would be so shallow, but how she looks bothers me. How can you stay with someone who refuses to change? How do you stay with someone who you aren't attracted to anymore?

I have 3 young kids so divorce is not an option I want to consider.

Advice?

Answer 1

You need to be honest with her and tell her what you are telling us.

Answer 2

She must be willing to do the work for her own self esteem and health. Let her know that it is very unhealthy and that you and the kids need her to stick around. I have 6 kids and gained alot of weight with each pregnancy but lost it asap! I went from 135 to 205 with my last child 8 months ago. Now I am at 140. Try to motivate her without putting her down. Maybe she is depressed or something. Be honest with her about your feelings. Seek professional help for her obesity if you have to because it is a health issue. I lost my weight by doing the Atkins Diet which is low carb high protein. Eat only meat, eggs, cheese. It works great. Also start her off by taking short walks together. You can even trick her by just asking her to take an evening walk with you and hold her hand. Incorporate family activities that keep her in motion. "trick" her into getting some exercise by making the activity fun. Hope it all works out for ya!

Answer 3

Okay. You are right that it is shallow to want a skinny wife. You married her for love (not for her looks, I hope). But anyway.... she seems afraid to try. The food gives her comfort. Maybe it is because you do not? She will eat less, if she's happier otherwise. She is right. It is easier for men to lose weight than it is for women. Give her a break. Tell her you love her no matter what weight she is at, but you'd really be turned on if she would agree to (not diet) a new lifestyle with you. That includes daily walks together, a healthier diet (give her the menus and help her cook), and fun weekends (picnics together ...get a sitter.. a movie out, sports events, concerts, etc.). Be supportive, not nagging, and keep telling her about all her good traits to build up her self-confidence. My feeling her is that she is really unhappy being married to you and that you have not done your best to build up her self-esteem make her feel loved, so she has turned to food. You are part of the problem, so you can make the change and help her.

Answer 4

First, congrats on losing the weight.

Second, you can't make her lose the weight. She has to be ready to do it herself. She may not have the will power right now, but she will get it.

Third, when she does start to lose the weight, be VERY supportive and helpful. Don't make comments of "fat a**", "lard a**", "Lazy a**" or anything else like that. Having 3 kids is hard.

How tall is she and how old are the kids? Losing weight after childbirth is hard work. She may be too tired right now to try. She may not be "refusing" to change, but just not ready because of all the change that has already happened.

Finally, to stay with someone you aren't attracted to anymore...remember everything you love about your wife. Go past the outer apperance...watch "Shallow Hal" if need be. See how beautiful she is on the inside. I know, most men don't or can't, but you should try since divorce is something you don't want to consider.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Well, she did have 3 kids, and that does change a woman's body.

Also, does she work,or is she a full time mom? That makes a difference - if she's home all day, it's a lot harder to diet and exercise than if she's out all day working. Also, if she's running around behind the kids all day, she probably doesn't have the energy to exercise - and she's probably eating every time she has to feed the kids.

This is a conflict here - since she's gained a lot of weight since you two married (from 140 to 200) while you've lost weight (from 240 to 185 - she actually weighs more than you now!)

And since you seem to have become very fitness oriented, it's going to be hard for you to be sexually attracted to her and that's a huge part of marrage.

This is a big conflict - since you say you can't divorce her, but you don't want her sexually either. If you guys are going to stay together you're going to have to get marriage counseling.

Answer 6

I can speak to the idea of staying with someone who refuses to change, but as for getting her to lose wt, she has to get to a point where she is disgusted with how she looks. I have had 3 kids and gained alot of wt. over the course of 15 years. I recently got divorced, but not because of weight. I don't want to have HBP, a stroke, or kidney disease as a result, so I have taken control. I am joining the YMCA with my kids. I hate traditional exercise, but the Y is so fun and actively engaged in making fitness fun for everyone. They have stuff for my teenager, a rock wall, basketball, racketball, etc...so we don't even realize we are getting fit. We are busy having way too much fun!! What a wonderful tradeoff in the process..family fitness and family togetherness. They have a pool with a waterslide, and at the end of our activities we get together and have a blast in the pool and hot tub.

Now, as far as getting someone to change, you know that you can't get someone to do something they don't want to. That is the premis for my divorce. All you can do is be available, but also let her know that there comes a time when you aren't going to tolerate bad habits. I realize that I have been a bad example for my kids and am working very hard to change it. I have also changed the way I cook the food and the choices we all make at the store. We have conversations about nutirition when we pick up something to buy for dinner. The boys are becoming aware that what they put in their mouths lasts longer than the moment they taste how "yummy" it might be.

I think it has to be a family dynamic that changes, but if one family member isn't willing to help that dynamic change, there are some questions that need to be answered. I think that is the bigger picture here. You need to figure out what is motivating her to keep the unhealthy wt. Is she depressed? Is she having something in her life that is very emotionally hard? Figure out all those things and then hopefully you will have an answer. GL

Answer 7

I'm sure you are going to get lots of angry replies about how you should love the person inside, etc, so I won't go down that route.

I'm sure that deep down your wife wants to lose the weight too, and feels pretty unattractive and miserable herself. I know how it feels to gain weight and it can cause a cycle of depression and binging.

Please tell her that diets don't work!! If you deny yourself the things you want, you only want them more, and she will end up gaining more weight after the diet than ever. She needs to entirely change her eating habits. Does she work? Could you cook the meals?

Exercising together is a great idea. Maybe if you keep on persisting with that, she will come around to it. The most important thing you can do here is NEVER show her that you are finding her unattractive! Please! Tell her you love her all the time, kiss her, and cuddle her. Tell her she is gorgeous. What she needs here is a real boost for her self esteem. Once she feels better about herself, she may start taking care of herself again.

Always encourage her. Never critisize when she eats. You need to throw out all the junk food from the house and change to healthier meals (which don't have to be boring!). Get a good recipe books and learn how to cook new things which are low fat and healthy. The better she eats, the better she will feel, and she may have more willpower to go and exercise with you.

It's clear you love your wife, and it is natural for you to feel this way. Just don't give up on her.

Answer 8

I have the same problem but i am the women with four kids and my husband gained the 20 pounds per child he weighs over 200 and i am 110 don't ask her if she is willing to join a gym get a family membership at a place that has everything from swimming to kid workouts and hopefully she as their mother and your wife will be willing to do it as a family.you are not shallow for feeling this way only if you act on it you married her because you love her not because she weighed 140 lbs the sexually feeling may have changed but the person in side didn't good luck to you

Answer 9

You've already tried offering to diet and exercise with her. Now it's time to educate her about the health risks and issues that go along with obesity. She needs to consider your children as well. It's not fair for her to eat herself into oblivion and increase her chances of heart attack or contracting diabetes. Obviously, she has a sweet tooth. Let her know that dieting doesn't mean NO sweets. Maybe allow dessert once a week, like on Friday nights or something. And as far as exercise goes...start small, take family walks after dinner each evening. Get the kids involved too. Always helps to start healthy habits early.

Answer 10

It's hard for alot of women to deal with the fact that men are attracted by their eyes. I know I had a hard time with that when my husband started talking to me about it.

I am thrilled to see that you have said that divorce is not an option. So many men are so shallow they would divorce their wives simply because they are not attracted to their body's anymore.

Talking to a woman about her weight is always a sensitive subject and your wife is right that it is easier for men to lose weight than for women.

Express to your wife that it is never healthy to be overweight and that you are concerned for her health. Perhaps that will get her moving in the right direction. She needs to stop and think about her health first and how she needs to be there for you and your children. Then she will realize as she loses the weight that she was getting to a point where she was not as attractive to you as she was before. If you go at her with the "You don't turn me on like you used to" angle then you are not going to get the results that you are looking for in her life.

You love her unconditionally....and just try to keep getting her to see that you need her around and the kids need her around and she is not going to be able to do that if she doesn't get her weight under control.

Hope this helps

Answer 11

It sounds like you are doing all the right things as far as trying to help her out and be offer her suggestions. However, as an overweight women for all of my life I do have to say this might actually be harder to kick then all the drugs combined. It is a serious rut people get into. With 3 young kids where do you find the time or the energy is probably what she is thinking. Do you offer to watch them all so she can go out for a walk alone or go to a womens gym or any thing like that? I know that would take alot of slack off me if my husband said he would watch kids 3 times a week for an hour. How about having a serious discussion, like "honey, I LOVE you and I want you to be around forever as the mother of my kids but your weight is going to make an impact on that and I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you get heathy (dont say attractive) just healthy. Also can I please make a suggestion that when you say you arent attracted to her anymore that kinda isnt fair. She has 3 kids, 3 pregnancies. and you said they are young which means her body probably didnt have time in between to regain its composure before she was pregnant again. So allow her some time to get back into having some life back. And please try to be there for her. Tell her everyday that she is beautiful. When you see her loving your kids and making good decisions for those kids tell her that she is great. Then when the time comes offer her advice on weight. She has enough to worry about dont make her think that she will lose you too.